10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU
written by Karen McCullah Lutz & Kirsten Smith
transcription by GarethGarethGareth@yahoo.com
based loosely on “Taming of the Shrew", by William Shakespeare
Well, here it is: The complete transcription of 10 Things I Hate About You
from the movie itself. The original script available on the web is about
as similar to the final movie as Rocky Balboa is to Rocky the Squirrel.
So, by gum, somebody had to get it right. Text found in [brackets]
indicates moments where I’ve guessed what the characters are saying, due to
mumbling, or my own lack of hearing, or both.
- Gareth
EXT. PADUA HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Welcome to Padua High, your typical upper-middle-class high school in
Seattle, Washington.
EXT. PADUA HIGH SCHOOL, THE STREET OUTSIDE - DAY
Two cookie-cutter-cute girls sing along in their car to a bit of popular
fluff music.
KAT STRATFORD, eighteen, pretty -- but trying hard not to be (and failing)
-- pulls her rundown car up next to theirs and scowls with indignation at
their choice of music.
EXT. PADUA HIGH SCHOOL, FRONT STEPS- DAY
Kat hurries toward the front door of what appears to be the Wayne Manor version
of an ordinary high school. She approaches another cookie-cutter-cutie pasting
an advert for prom on the wall, and tears it down in passing.
PROM POSTER GIRL
Hey!
INT. GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY
CAMERON JAMES, a clean-cut, easy-going new kid at school with an optimistic,
innocent face, sits facing MISS PERKY, a conservative spinster stereotype
turned on its head. She’s in the middle of composing some racy
lines from her pulp romance-novel-in-progress on her laptop.
MISS PERKY
So, Cameron. Here you go. (reviews his transcript)
9 schools in 10 years, my my... Army brat?
CAMERON
Yeah. My dad’s a...
MISS PERKY
That’s enough.
I'm sure you won't find Padua any
different than your old school. Same
little asswipe shit-for-brains
everywhere.
CAMERON
Excuse me. Did you just say... Am I in
the right office?
MISS PERKY
Not anymore you’re not. I’ve got deviants to see
and a novel to finish. Now scoot. Scoot!
CAMERON
Okay. Thanks.
Cameron rises to leave and passes PATRICK VERONA, a smug, longhaired
Australian, who’s on his way in.
Miss Perky looks down at her file and up at Patrick
MISS PERKY
(continuing)
Patrick Verona. I see we're making our
visits a weekly ritual.
She gives him a disapproving glance. He answers with a charming
smile.
PATRICK
Only so we can have these moments together.
Should I, uh, get the lights?
MISS PERKY
Oh very clever, kangaroo boy. Says here you exposed yourself
in the cafeteria?
PATRICK
I was joking with the lunch lady. It was a bratwurst.
MISS PERKY
Bratwurst?
(glances at his loins suspiciously)
Aren’t we the optimist? Next time keep it in your
pouch, okay? Scoot!
After he leaves, she goes back to writing her novel, adding the word
“bratwurst” to the sentence she's working on.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
MICHAEL ECKMAN, a typical, overachieving, brainy senior with a young
republican’s sense of style, introduces himself to Cameron among the
bustle of the hall.
MICHAEL
Michael Eckman. I’m supposed to show you around.
CAMERON
Oh hi.
(seems relieved)
Thank God! You know, normally
they send down one of those audio/video geeks.
MICHAEL
(flustered)
You know, I do. I know what you mean, yeah.
An audio/video geek pushing a cart full of film equipment rolls along
side them.
A/V GEEK
Hey Michael, where should I put those slides?
MICHAEL
(brushes off the A/V Geek)
Michael?!
(Turns back to Cameron)
So, uh,
(checks a piece of paper)
...Cameron. Here’s the breakdown:
They begin to walk down the hallway.
MICHAEL
(Continuing)
Over there you’ve got your basic beautiful people.
Now listen. Unless they talk to you first, don’t bother.
CAMERON
But wait. Is that your rule or theirs?
MICHAEL
Watch.
(To an ironically not very good looking jock as they pass)
Hey there.
JOCK
Geek.
MICHAEL
(To Cameron)
See that?
The Jock and his friends glare as if offended as the two walk away.
EXT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY
Groups of students stand around. Michael and Cameron continue their walk.
MICHAEL
(Continuing)
To the left we have the coffee kids.
COFFEE KID 1
Whoa!
(spills his coffee)
COFFEE KID 2
That was Costa Rican, butthead!
MICHAEL
Very edgy. Don’t make any sudden moves around them.
They step down and pass a table full of white boys with dreadlocks and
prerequisite Jamaican berets.
MICHAEL
And these delusionals are the White Rasta.
Uh, they’re big Marley fans. They think they're black.
Semi-political, but mostly...
CAMERON
Smoke a lot of weed?
MICHAEL
Yeah.
They now approach a few kids dressed as urban cowboys.
MICHAEL
(continuing)
These guys...
CAMERON
Wait wait. Let me guess. Cowboys?
MICHAEL
Yeah but, the closest they’ve come to a cow is
Macdonald’s.
(laughs at his own lame joke)
Hah hah...Macdonalds!
They approach a group of studious-looking teens who are bent over
textbooks at a table.
MICHAEL
These are your future MBAs- We're all Ivy League accepted.
Yuppie greed is back, my friend.
(to the group)
Hey guys. How ya doin’?
One of them looks annoyed and mutters something about “Bogie”. It is, in fact
BOGIE LEVENSTEIN himself, leader of the academic geeks. Why does he mutter his
own name? Maybe he just likes to speak in the third person...
MICHAEL
(continuing as they walk away)
Yesterday I was their god.
CAMERON
What happened?
MICHAEL
Bogie Levenstein started a rumor that I...that I buy
my Izods at an outlet mall.
CAMERON
So they kicked you out?
MICHAEL
Hostile takeover. But don’t worry. They’ll pay.
Now over here...
CAMERON
(Suddenly distracted)
Oh my god!
BIANCA, a young cream puff of a blonde girl, walks by in slow motion.
Cameron is in deep smit.
CAMERON
(Continues)
What group is she in?
MICHAEL
The “don’t even think about it” group.
That’s Bianca Stratford. A sophomore.
CAMERON
I burn! I pine! I perish!
MICHAEL
Of course you do. You know, she’s beautiful and deep. Pure.
Bianca walks with her friend, CHASTITY, a cute and seemingly less loquacious
version of herself.
BIANCA
Yup, see, there’s a difference between “like”
and “love”. Because I like my Sketchers, but I love my Prada
backpack.
BIANCA’S FRIEND
But I love my Sketchers.
BIANCA
That’s because you don’t have a Prada backpack.
BIANCA’S FRIEND
(Enamored of Bianca’s wisdom)
Ohhh!
MICHAEL
(To Cameron)
Listen. Forget her. Incredibly uptight father,
and it’s a widely known fact that the Stratford sisters aren’t
allowed to date.
CAMERON
Uh huh...yeah. [What if?]
INT. ENGLISH CLASS - DAY
A room full of bored seniors doodle and stare off into space.
MR. MORGAN, an educated, no-nonsense man in his early thirties
presides.
MR. MORGAN
Okay then. What did everyone think of The Sun Also Rises?
A girl raises her hand and offers her appraisal.
ROMANTIC GIRL
I loved it.
(She sighs)
It was sooo romantic.
Kat, the girl we saw as we entered the school, is wearing a camo top in
preparation for her daily war against high school ignorance.
KAT
(disgusted)
Romantic? Hemingway?! He was an abusive alcoholic
misogynist who squandered half his life hanging around Picasso
trying to nail his leftovers.
The other students roll their eyes.
JOEY DONNER, a slicked-back knock-off of Slater from Saved By The Bell
makes fun of her from his row.
JOEY
As opposed to a bitter self-righteous
hag who has no friends?
A few giggles. Kat fumes from her seat without looking back.
MR. MORGAN
Pipe down, Chachie.
KAT
I guess in this society being male and an asshole
makes you worthy of our time.
What about Sylvia Platt or Charlotte Bronte or
Simone de Beauvoir?
Patrick suddenly steps into the classroom, late.
PATRICK
What’d I miss?
KAT
The oppressive patriarchal values that dictate our education.
PATRICK
Good.
(immediately turns and leaves)
MR. MORGAN
(Shouting after him)
Hey, hey!
JOEY
Uh, Mr. Morgan. Is there any chance we could get Kat to
take her Mydol before she comes to class?
More snickers from the class.
MR. MORGAN
Some day you’re gonna get bitch-slapped and I’m not gonna do
a thing to stop it. And Kat. I want to thank you for your
point of view.
She smiles to herself, her social indignation justified.
MR. MORGAN
(continuing)
I know how difficult it must be for you to overcome all those
years of upper middle class suburban oppression. It must be tough.
She deflates and becomes bitter again.
MR. MORGAN
(continuing)
But the next time you storm around the PTA crusading for better
lunch meat, or whatever it is you white girls complain about,
ask them why they can’t buy a book written by a black man!
Two of the White Rasta kids from earlier take up his cry of inequality.
WHITE RASTA CHORUS
That’s right mon!
MR. MORGAN
Don’t even get me started on you two!
They grumble apologetically and quickly shut up.
Kat is fuming again.
KAT
Anything else?
MR. MORGAN
Yeah. Go to the office. You’re pissing me off.
KAT
What?! Mr. Morgan!
MR. MORGAN
Later!
Kat gets up in a tiff and on her way out hits Joey in the face with her books.
INT. GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY
Miss Perky sits in front of her laptop, composing her sleazy novel.
MISS PERKY
Undulating with desire, Adrienne removes her crimson cape...
...excitable, stiff and...
(frustrated, calls to attendant)
Judith!
Judith appears at the door.
MISS PERKY
What’s another word for...engorged?
JUDITH
I’ll look it up.
MISS PERKY
Okay.
(returns to composing)
Kat approaches the office and overhears Miss Perky searching for the
right word.
MISS PERKY
(continuing)
...swollen...turgid...
KAT
Tumescent?
MISS PERKY
Perfect! So I hear you were terrorizing Mr. Morgan‘s class.
Again.
KAT
Expressing my opinion is not a
terrorist action.
MISS PERKY
The way you expressed your opinion to Bobby Ridgeway?
By the way, his testicle retrieval operation
went quite well, in case you're
interested.
KAT
I still maintain that he kicked himself
in the balls.
MISS PERKY
The point is Kat...
She suddenly makes the connection between Kat’s name and the picture
of a cat on her coffee mug. She finds it amusing and points to the mug.
MISS PERKY
Cat!
(She giggles, then turns back to Kat)
People perceive you as somewhat ...
KAT
Tempestuous?
MISS PERKY
"Heinous bitch" is the term used most often.
Kat is unflattered.
MISS PERKY
(continuing)
You might want to work on that. Thank you.
Kat rises from her chair.
KAT
(sarcastic)
As always, thank you for your excellent
guidance. I’ll let you get back to Reginald’s
quivering member.
Kat leaves the office.
MISS PERKY
(to herself)
Quivering member... I like that.
EXT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY
Joey and his COHORT, a tough-looking kid, are standing around people
watching. His Cohort notices Bianca and Chastity entering the courtyard
and calls Joey’s attention to Bianca.
COHORT
Virgin alert. [Favorite].
Joey turns to look at Bianca. The girls pass by, noticing Joey.
JOEY
Looking good, ladies.
COHORT
They’re outta reach, even for you.
JOEY
No one’s out of reach for me.
COHORT
You wanna put money on that?
JOEY
Money I’ve got. This I’m going to do for fun.
Across the way, Cameron and Michael have been watching Bianca and Cameron
notices Joey’s admiration.
CAMERON
Who’s that guy?
MICHAEL
It’s Joey Donner. He’s a jerkoff. And a model.
CAMERON
He’s a model?
MICHAEL
A model. Mostly regional stuff. But he’s rumored to have
a tube sock ad coming out.
CAMERON
Really?
MICHAEL
Really.
They have a laugh at Joey’s expense. Cameron turns back to watching Bianca.
CAMERON
Man, look at her.
MICHAEL
(not impressed)
Is she always so...vapid?
CAMERON
How can you say that? She’s totally...
MICHAEL
Conceited?
CAMERON
What are you talking about? There’s more to her than you think.
I mean, look... look at the way she smiles.
And look at her eyes, man. She’s totally pure. I mean,
you’re missing what’s there.
MICHAEL
(unconvinced)
No, Cameron. No.
What’s there is a snotty little Princess wearing a strategically
planned sun dress to make guys like us realize we can never touch
her, and guys like, uh...
He looks around and notices Joey making his way toward the girls.
MICHAEL
(continuing)
...Joey, realize they want to.
She, my friend, is what we’ll spend the rest of our lives
not having. Put her in the Spank Bank. Move on.
CAMERON
No.
MICHAEL
Move on.
CAMERON
No!
You’re wrong about her. I mean, you know, uh,
not about the spanking part. But the rest. You’re wrong.
MICHAEL
Alright. I’m wrong? You wanna take a shot? Be my guest.
She’s actually looking for a French tutor.
CAMERON
Are you serious? That’s perfect!
MICHAEL
Do you speak French?
CAMERON
Well no. But I will.
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY
Kat and MANDELLA, her best friend--beautiful and attired in quasi-Renaissance
clothes--walk toward Kat's car. Joey pulls up
beside them in his red sports car.
JOEY
(referring to Kat‘s camouflage top)
Hey. Your little Rambo look is out, Kat.
Didn’t you read last month’s Cosmo?
KAT
(barely notices him)
Run along.
She and Mandella continue walking.
Further along, Bianca and Chastity are walking, embroiled in meaningful
conversation.
CHASTITY
I know you can be overwhelmed.
You can be underwhelmed.
But can you ever just be whelmed?
BIANCA
I think you can in Europe.
Joey pulls up alongside them.
JOEY
Hi ladies. Would you sweet young things
like a ride?
They look at each other and immediately hop in, climbing over his
upholstery.
JOEY
Careful on the leather.
Across the lot, Kat and Mandella watch this display from inside Kat’s
clunker.
MANDELLA
(sarcastic)
That’s a charming new development.
KAT
It’s disgusting.
Meanwhile, Michael has mounted an old motorcycle equipped with a plastic
dork basket on the handles. He jets a bit out of control and kills the engine
in front of Kat’s car. Pissed off, she shouts out the window.
KAT
Remove head from sphincter, then drive!
Michael regains control and pulls out of the way to where Cameron has
been watching.
CAMERON
You all right?
MICHAEL
Yeah, yeah. Just a minor encounter with the
shrew. Your girlfriend’s sister.
CAMERON
What? That's Bianca's sister?
MICHAEL
Mmm hmm. The mewling, rampalian wretch herself.
Stay cool, bro.
He jets off once again, risks another near collision, and ends up
flying right off the road and sliding halfway down a grassy hill.
Recovering his composure, he realizes half the school is watching
from the top of the hill. He raises his hands in the air and
gives a victory yell, drawing cheers from the crowd.
INT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY
WALTER STRATFORD, Kat and Bianca’s overly-protective father--an
obstetrician--enters through the front door rifling through the mail.
WALTER
(to Kat)
Hello Katarina. Make anyone cry today?
KAT
Sadly, no. But it's only four-thirty.
Walter smiles proudly as Bianca walks in and kisses him on the cheek.
BIANCA
Hi Daddy.
WALTER
Hello, precious.
KAT
And where've you been?
BIANCA
(gives Kat a sour look)
Nowhere.
Walter, who hasn’t raised his eyes from the mail, is inspecting a letter.
WALTER
What's this? It says Sarah Lawrence?
Kat snatches it away from him and runs across the room in a flurry of
excitement, tearing it open and reading the contents silently.
KAT
I got in! I got in!
WALTER
Uh, honey that’s great. But isn’t Sarah Lawrence on the
other side of the country?
KAT
Thus the basis of its appeal.
WALTER
Yeah. I thought we decided you were gonna stay here and
go to U Dub like me. Be a husky.
He makes some inspiring growling noises.
KAT
No, you decided.
WALTER
Oh okay. So you just pick up and leave, is that it?
BIANCA
(brimming at the idea)
Let’s hope so.
Kat gives Bianca a spiteful look then smiles sweetly.
KAT
Ask Bianca who drove her home.
WALTER
Kat, don’t change the...drove?
(to Bianca)
Who drove you home?
Bianca glares at Kat then turns to Walter
BIANCA
Now don't get upset, daddy, but there's
this boy...
KAT
Who’s a flaming imbecile.
WALTER
Please...
BIANCA
(continuing)
and I think he might ask me...
WALTER
Please. I think I know what he’s going to ask you.
And I think I know the answer: No. It’s always no.
What are the house rules? #1: no dating till you graduate.
#2: no dating till you graduate. That’s it.
BIANCA
Daddy, that’s so unfair.
WALTER
Alright. You wanna know what’s unfair?
(to Kat)
This is for you too.
(continues)
This morning I delivered a set of twins to
a 15 year old girl. Do you know what she said to me?
BIANCA
I’m a crack-whore who should have made my sleazy
boyfriend wear a condom?
Walter pauses and thinks for a moment.
WALTER
Close. But no. She said: I should have listened
to my father.
BIANCA
She did not.
WALTER
Well, that’s what she would’ve said if she wasn’t
so doped up.
BIANCA
Can we focus on me for a second please? I am
the only girl in school who’s not dating.
WALTER
Oh no you’re not. Your sister doesn’t date.
KAT
And I don’t intend to.
WALTER
And why is that again?
Walter is pleased and points to Bianca, expecting Kat to justify him.
KAT
Have you seen the unwashed miscreants that go to that school?
BIANCA
Where did you come from? Planet Loser?
KAT
As opposed to planet “look at me! look at me!”?
WALTER
Okay, here’s how we solve this one. Old rule out.
New rule: Bianca can date...
Bianca lights up and Kat looks upset.
WALTER
(continuing)
...when she does.
(points at Kat)
BIANCA
But she's a mutant! What if she never dates?
WALTER
(very pleased with his new rule)
Then you‘ll never date. Oh, I like that. And I'll get to
sleep at night. The deep slumber of a father who’s
daughters aren’t out being impregnated.
His beeper goes off and he heads for the door. Kat heads for the
stairs.
WALTER
(to Kat)
We’ll talk about Sarah Lawrence later.
KAT
Fine.
BIANCA
Wait! Daddy!
WALTER
I gotta go.
He leaves.
BIANCA
Can’t you find [a sad enough] retard to take you
to the movies so I can have just one date?
KAT
I’m sorry. Looks like you’ll just have to miss out
on the witty repartee of Joey “eat me” Donner.
BIANCA
You suck.
KAT
(imitating Bianca)
You suck.
INT. TUTORING ROOM - DAY
Cameron sits at a table prepping for the French lesson he has scheduled
with Bianca. Bianca arrives and plops down across from him.
BIANCA
Can we make this quick? Roxanne,
Korrine and Andrew Barrett are having an
incredibly horrendous public break- up
on the quad. Again.
CAMERON
Oh, yeah, um, okay. I thought we'd start with
pronunciation, if that's alright with you.
BIANCA
Not the hacking and gagging and spitting part. Please.
CAMERON
Well, there is an alternative.
French food. We could eat some together. Saturday night?
BIANCA
You're asking me out? That's so cute.
What's your name again?
CAMERON
Cameron. Listen. I know that your dad doesn’t let you
date. But I thought that if it was for French class it...
BIANCA
Oh, wait a minute. Curtis...
CAMERON
Cameron.
BIANCA
My dad just came up with a new rule. I can date
when my sister does.
CAMERON
You’re kidding! Well let me ask you, do you like sailing?
‘Cause I read about this place that rents out boats...
BIANCA
A beaucoup problemo, Calvin. In case you haven’t heard,
my sister’s a particularly hideous breed of
loser.
CAMERON
Yeah yeah. I noticed she’s a little anti-social.
Why is that?
BIANCA
Unsolved mystery. She used to be
really popular, and then it was like...she got
sick of it. Or something. There is a [bet] as
to why, but I’m pretty sure she’s just incapable
of human interaction. Plus, she’s a bitch.
CAMERON
Well yeah, but I’m sure, you know, that there’s lots of
guys who wouldn’t mind going out with a...difficult woman.
I mean, you know, people jump out of airplanes, ski off
cliffs. It would be like extreme dating.
BIANCA
You think you could find someone that extreme?
CAMERON
Yeah sure, why not?
She reaches out and touches his arm
BIANCA
Would you do that, for me?
CAMERON
Oh yes! I mean, you know, I could look into it.
EXT. A STAIRWELL ON CAMPUS - DAY
Michael leads Cameron down a set of concrete steps to a secret gathering
of dating candidates for Kat.
MICHAEL
Now, I have gathered a group of guys. Couldn’t be more
perfect. Padua’s finest.
They enter a dank room, wherein waits a very motly crew of the most
unlikely specimens one would expect. Cameron shoots Michael an
unsatsfied grimace.
CAMERON
Hi. How ya doin’? Would any of you be interested
in dating Katarina Stratford?
What follows is a truncated interview process, where each candidate
in turn sits in the interview chair and gives his response.
CANDIDATE 1
(laughs histerically)
CANDIDATE 2
(stares blankly)
CANDIDATE 3
Ho, I’ve never been that ripped.
CANDIDATE 4
Maybe if we were the last 2 people alive, and
there were no sheep... Are there sheep?
INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - DAY
Several dissection charts of frog anatomy hang on the walls.
The class is busy dissecting frogs. Michael and Cameron, naturally,
are lab partners. Patrick and his punk rock friend, SCURVY, are
hacking away at their own specimen behind them.
MICHAEL
Did I, or did I not, tell you it was pointless? No
one will go out with her.
Patrick pulls out a butterfly knife and impales his frog violently
with it. Cameron has noticed the display.
CAMERON
Hey, what about him?
MICHAEL
Him? No no. Don’t look at him, okay?
He's a criminal. I heard
he lit a state trooper on fire. He just
did a year in San Quentin.
CAMERON
Yeah, well, then at least he’s horny.
MICHAEL
I'm serious, man, he's whacked. He
sold his own liver on the black market
for a new set of speakers.
Patrick has taken out a cigarette, but just as he lights
it on the Bunsen burner, Scurvy seizes it and snuffs it out.
Frustrated, Patrick plays with the Bunsen burner instead.
CAMERON
He’s our guy.
Patrick notices them watching him and they quickly turn away.
INT. WOODSHOP - DAY
Boys and a few stray girls nail their pieces of wood. Cameron
and Michael enter, and Cameron approaches Patrick optimistically.
CAMERON
Hi. How ya doin’? Listen, I...
In response, Patrick brandishes a loud power tool and drills
a hole in the middle of Cameron’s beloved French book.
CAMERON
(continuing)
Okay... later then.
INT. A HALLWAY - DAY
Michael is staring through the new window in Cameron’s French book.
MICHAEL
How do we get him to date Kat?
CAMERON
I don’t know. I mean, uh, we could pay him.
But we don’t have any money.
MICHAEL
Yeah, well, what we need is a backer.
CAMERON
What’s that?
MICHAEL
Someone with money who’s stupid.
They both look pensive.
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
Joey and his pals sit at a table while Joey draws a pair of boobs
on a cafeteria tray with a magic marker.
JOEY
Oh yeah!
Michael walks up and sits at the table, casual as can be.
MICHAEL
Is that a peach Fruit Roll-Up? ‘Cause you
don’t see many...
Joey’s friend grabs his wrist as he reaches for the Roll-Up.
MICHAEL
(continues)
...oh, okay. Yeah, Alright.
His wrist is released as he withdraws his hand.
JOEY
Are you lost?
MICHAEL
No, actually, I just came by to chat.
JOEY
We don't chat.
MICHAEL
Well, actually, I thought that I'd run an
idea by you. Just to see if you're interested.
JOEY
I’m not.
MICHAEL
Well, hear me out. Now...
Joey grabs Michael by the side of the head and proceeds to
draw a penis on his cheek with the magic marker. Michael
suffers the indignity and speaks undaunted.
MICHAEL
(continues)
...you want Bianca, right?
But she can't go out with you because
her sister is this insane head case and
no one will go out with her, right?
JOEY
Does this conversation have a purpose?
MICHAEL
What I think you need to do is, you need to hire
a guy who'll go out with her. Someone who
doesn’t scare so easy.
Michael points to Patrick, who sits with Scurvy. Patrick spits
a stone from a piece of fruit at his tray.
JOEY
That guy? I heard he ate a live duck once.
MICHAEL
Everything but the beak and the feet.
Clearly he’s a solid investment.
Joey turns to look at Michael.
JOEY
What's in it for you?
MICHAEL
Hey. I’m walkin’ down the hall and say hello
to you. You say hello to me.
JOEY
Yeah yeah. I get it. You’re cool by association.
I’ll think about it.
Michael looks pleased and bobs his head as if grooving to music.
JOEY
(continuing)
We’re done now.
MICHAEL
Yeah.
He gets up and walks to the back of the room where Cameron waits
anxiously.
CAMERON
(upset)
What are you doing getting him involved?
MICHAEL
Relax now, relax. We let him pretend he’s
calling the shots. While he’s setting things
up, you have time with Bianca.
CAMERON
That is a good idea.
Cameron leaves.
EXT. A HILL OVERLOOKING THE STADIUM - DAY
Bogie Levenstein has gathered his club of future yuppies for
a golf lesson.
BOGIE
Now remember guys. Grip it, and rip it.
He hits the golf ball down into the stadium field, where it is
collected by a kid holding a basket of balls.
The field is filled with students exercising. The women’s soccer
team is practicing.
Joey makes his way toward Patrick, who is sitting with Scurvy and
smoking.
JOEY
Hey, how ya doin’?
Patrick ignores him completely.
JOEY
(tries to break the ice)
I had some great duck last night...
PATRICK
Do I know you?
JOEY
See that girl?
He turns to see Kat playing soccer on the field.
PATRICK
Yeah.
JOEY
That’s Kat Stratford. I want you to go
out with her.
PATRICK
(sarcastic)
Yeah sure, Sparky.
He and Scurvy laugh at the idea.
JOEY
Look. I can’t take out her sister until Kat
starts dating. You see, their dad’s whacked
out. He’s got this rule where the girls...
PATRICK
That’s a touching story. It really is.
Not my problem.
JOEY
Would you be willing to make it your problem
if I provide generous compensation?
PATRICK
You’re going to pay me to take out some chick?
JOEY
(pleased)
Mmm hmm.
PATRICK
How much?
JOEY
Twenty bucks.
Patrick turns to have another look at Kat. She violently body checks
another girl and knocks her down.
JOEY
(continuing)
Fine. 30.
PATRICK
Well let’s think about this. We go to the movies.
That’s, uh, 15 bucks. We get popcorn. That’s, uh,
53. And, uh, she’ll want Raisonettes, right? So,
uh, we’re lookin’ at 75 bucks.
JOEY
This ain’t a negotiation. Take it or leave it,
trailer park.
PATRICK
50 bucks and we’ve got a deal, Fabio.
Joey hands him 50 dollars.
EXT. SOCCER FIELD - DAY
Kat and the rest of the team complete their practice
session. MR. CHAPIN, the coach, calls the girls in over his
megaphone.
MR. CHAPIN
Great practice, everybody.
Patrick snuffs out a cigarette and approaches Kat.
PATRICK
Hey there, girlie. How ya doin'?
KAT
Sweating like a pig, actually. And
yourself?
PATRICK
Now there's a way to get a guy's attention, huh?
KAT
My mission in life.
She stands there undaunted, hand on hip.
KAT
(continuing)
But obviously I've struck your fancy. So,
you see, it worked. The world makes
sense again.
She walks away. He follows.
PATRICK
Pick you up Friday, then
KAT
Oh, right. Friday. Uh huh.
PATRICK
The night I take you to places you've
never been before.
KAT
Like where? The 7-Eleven on Broadway?
Do you even know my name, screwboy?
PATRICK
I know a lot more than you think.
KAT
Doubtful. Very doubtful.
She walks away quickly, leaving him standing alone.
ACROSS THE FIELD Cameron and Michael watch.
CAMERON
We are screwed.
MICHAEL
Hey, no, hey. I don’t want to hear that defeatist
attitude. I want to hear you upbeat.
CAMERON
We are screwed!
MICHAEL
There you go.
As they watch, the coach gets hit with a golf ball and falls to the
ground. We cut back to Bogie and his group of MBA nerds.
MBA KID
Run Bogie!
Bogie is motionless, a super-cheese smile glued to his face.
INT. STRATFORD HOUSE/BATHROOM - NIGHT
Kat washes her face at the sink. Bianca enters behind her.
BIANCA
Have you ever considered a new look? I
mean, seriously, you could have some
definite potential buried under all this
hostility.
KAT
I’m not hostile. I’m annoyed.
BIANCA
Why don’t you try being nice? People wouldn’t know
what to think.
KAT
You forget. I don’t care what people think.
BIANCA
Yes you do.
KAT
No I don’t. You don’t always have to be who they want
you to be, you know.
BIANCA
I happen to like being adored, thank you.
KAT
Where’d you get the pearls?
BIANCA
They’re mom’s
KAT
(upset)
And you’ve been what? Hiding them for 3 years?
BIANCA
No. Daddy found them in a drawer last week.
KAT
So you’re just gonna start wearing them now?
BIANCA
It’s not like she’s coming back to claim them.
And besides, they look good on me.
KAT
Trust me. They don’t.
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY
Kat emerges from a store. Patrick is waiting for her,
leaning casually against her front fender.
PATRICK
Nice ride. Vintage fenders.
KAT
Are you following me?
PATRICK
I was in the laundromat. I saw your
car. I came over to say hi.
KAT
Hi.
She moves to open the door, but he slides over and blocks her way.
PATRICK
Not a big talker, huh?
KAT
Depends on the topic. My fenders don't
really whip me into a verbal frenzy.
PATRICK
(seems genuinely intrigued by her resistance)
You’re not afraid of me, are you?
KAT
Afraid of you? Why would I be afraid of you?
PATRICK
Well, most people are.
KAT
Well, I’m not.
PATRICK
Well, maybe you’re not afraid of me. But I’m
sure you’ve thought about me naked, huh?
He gives her a knowing wink.
KAT
(sarcastic)
Am I that transparent? I want you, I need you,
Oh baby, oh baby.
She opens the door and forces him out of the way.
She starts to pull out and is blocked by Joey's sports car,
which pulls up perpendicular to her rear and parks.
Joey emerges and heads for the stores.
KAT
What is it? Asshole day?
(to Joey)
Hey! Do you mind?
JOEY
Not at all.
He continues on into the store. Kat stares at him in
disbelief... then backs up fast.
Her vintage fenders crash into the door of Joey's precious
ego-mobile.
Patrick watches with a delighted grin as Joey races back to
his car.
JOEY
You bitch!
Kat watches with an innocent look of surprise.
KAT
(sarcastic)
Whoops.
INT. STRATFORD HOUSE - NIGHT
Walter paces as Kat sits calmly on the couch.
WALTER
Whoops?! My insurance does not cover PMS.
KAT
Well, then tell them I had a seizure.
WALTER
Is this about Sarah Lawrence? Are you
punishing me because I want you to stay close to home?
KAT
Aren’t you punishing me because mom left?
WALTER
You think you could leave her out of this?
KAT
Fine. Then stop making my decisions for me.
WALTER
I’m your father. That's my right.
KAT
So what I want doesn't matter?
WALTER
You're eighteen. You don't know what
you want. And you won't know what you want until you're
forty-five. And if you get it, you’ll be too old to use it.
KAT
I want to go to an East Coast school! I
want you to trust me to make my own
choices. And I want you to stop trying to control
my life just because you can’t control yours.
WALTER
Oh yeah? Well you know what I want...
Walter's BEEPER goes off.
WALTER
(continuing)
We’ll continue this later.
KAT
Can’t wait.
She heads out of the room and is intercepted by Bianca, who’s
just off the phone.
BIANCA
(angry)
Did you just maim Joey’s car?
KAT
Yeah. Looks like you’re gonna have to take the bus.
BIANCA
Has the fact that you’re completely psycho
managed to escape your attention?
Kat walks away.
BIANCA
Daddy!
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Patrick shuts his locker revealing
Joey's angry visage, glowering next to him.
JOEY
When I shell out fifty, I expect
results.
PATRICK
Yeah, I'm on it.
JOEY
Watching the bitch violate my car doesn't
count as a date.
JOEY
If you don’t get any, I don’t get any.
Let’s go get some.
Joey starts to walk off
PATRICK
I just upped my price
JOEY
(turning)
What?
PATRICK
A hundred bucks a date. In advance.
JOEY
Forget it.
PATRICK
Forget her sister, then.
Joey thinks for a frustrated moment, then peels another
fifty out of his wallet.
JOEY
You better hope you're as smooth as you
think you are, Verona.
Patrick takes the money with a smile.
INT. SHOP CLASS - DAY
Michael and Cameron enter the class. Scurvy brushes by them.
CAMERON
Go.
MICHAEL
No, you go.
CAMERON
I went before.
Cameron makes his way to where Patrick is working at the buffer.
CAMERON
(to Patrick)
We know what you’re trying to do,
with Kat Stratford.
PATRICK
Is that right? And what do you plan
to do about it?
CAMERON
Help you out.
PATRICK
Why’s that?
MICHAEL
The situation is, my man Cameron here
has a major jones for Bianca Stratford.
PATRICK
What is it with this chick? She have
beer flavored nipples?
CAMERON
Hey!
MICHAEL
I think I speak correctly when I say
that Cameron's love is pure. Purer than
say -- Joey Donner's.
PATRICK
Look. I'm in on this for the cash.
Donner can plow whoever he wants.
CAMERON
Okay. There will be no plowing!
MICHAEL
Patrick, uh, Pat. Let me explain something
to you here. We set this whole thing up so
Cameron can get the girl. Cameron. Joey's just a pawn.
PATRICK
So you two are gonna help me tame the wild
beast?
MICHAEL
(grinning)
We’ll do some research. We’ll find out what she
likes. We are your guys.
CAMERON
And he means that in a strictly non-
prison-movie type of way.
MICHAEL
Let’s start here. Now, Friday night.
Bogie Levenstein is having a party. It’s the
perfect opportunity.
PATRICK
Opportunity for what?
MICHAEL
For you to take out Kat.
PATRICK
I‘ll think about it.
He walks away, leaving Michael and Cameron grinning at each other.
MICHAEL
(continuing)
And for a little payback. This is gonna be some party.
Close-Up on a party invitation Michael holds up. It advertises
a “wine and cheese” party. Transition. The words “wine and cheese”
are replaced by “free beer”. “Don’t call” and “just show up” are
printed at the bottom next to Bogie’s address in Seattle.
MICHAEL
Let’s do this.
Slow motion shot of them dumping a pile of fliers down the school
stairwell. Students’ hands reach out and grab them as they fall.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Joey stands at his open locker with Bianca.
JOEY
Okay now, this is important.
Which do you like better?
He holds up two identical glamour model photos. In one, he's
wearing a white shirt. In the other, he's in a black shirt.
BIANCA
Um, I think I like the white shirt better.
Joey nods thoughtfully.
JOEY
Yeah. It's more...
BIANCA
Pensive?
JOEY
Damn. I was going for thoughtful.
So, you going to Bogey Lowenbrau's
thing on Friday night?
BIANCA
Yeah. I might.
He gives her his best flirtatious smile
JOEY
Good, 'cause, you know, I'm not gonna bother if
you won't be there.
The class bell rings.
JOEY
See you there.
BIANCA
Okay.
JOEY
Bye.
She walks away. He turns to a mirror hanging in his locker
and winks at himself, then unhappily adjusts an out-of-place hair.
EXT. UNDER A BRIDGE - DAY
Bianca and Cameron are on a nice walk together. No one else is around.
CAMERON
So have you heard about Bogey Lowenstein's
party?
BIANCA
(pouting)
Yes. And I really, really, really wanna go, but
I can't. Not unless my sister goes.
CAMERON
Yeah I know. I'm workin' on that. But so far she’s
not goin’ for my guy.
He fishes for information.
CAMERON
(continuing)
She's not a...
BIANCA
KD Lang fan? No. I found a picture of
Jared Leto in her drawer once, so I'm
pretty sure she's not harboring same-sex
tendencies.
CAMERON
Okay. So that's the kind of guy she likes?
Pretty guys?
BIANCA
I don’t know. All I've ever heard her say
is that she'd die before dating a guy
that smokes.
CAMERON
Okay. All right. What else?
BIANCA
You’re asking me to investigate the inner workings
of my sister’s twisted mind? I don’t think so.
CAMERON
Well nothing else has worked. I mean, we need to
go behind enemy lines here.
INT. KAT’S BEDROOM - DAY
Bianca rifles through Kat’s drawers while Cameron watches with
notable interest.
BIANCA
Okay, here we go.
As she names off pertinent discoveries, she hands them to Cameron.
BIANCA
(continuing)
Class schedule, reading list, date book,
coffee tickets, um, concert tickets.
Ah ha! Black panties!
CAMERON
What does that tell us?
BIANCA
She wants to have sex some day, that’s what.
CAMERON
(flustered by this intimate detail)
She could just like the color...
BIANCA
You don’t buy black lingerie unless you want
someone to see it.
CAMERON
(perhaps encouraged by this development)
Oh. So, uh, can I see your room?
BIANCA
No. A girl’s room is very personal.
CAMERON
Oh.
EXT. BIKER BAR - NIGHT
Michael and Cameron arrive on Michael’s dumpy motorbike and
park next to a hard-looking cat on a heavy bike.
BIKER
Nice bike.
MICHAEL
Yeah? You think so?
The biker roars off without answering.
INT. BIKER BAR - NIGHT
Michael and Cameron make their way through the surly denizens
of the saloon, who watch them in wonder.
CAMERON
Wow. Is this what a bar looks like?
MICHAEL
Don’t touch anything. You may get hepatitis.
They head toward Patrick, who plays pool by himself. As they
pass another table, Michael picks up the eight ball, ruining the
game-winning shot a tough guy is making, and tosses it back onto
the table without realizing what he’s done.
PATRICK
So what've you got for me?
CAMERON
A little insight into a very complicated girl.
MICHAEL
(to Patrick)
Just one question before we start: should you be
drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?
PATRICK
What?!
MICHAEL
Nothing. Nothing.
CAMERON
First thing: Kat hates smokers
Cameron plucks the cigarette out of Patrick’s fingers and drops
it on the floor. Patrick isn’t pleased.
PATRICK
You’re telling me I'm a -
(spits the word out)
"non-smoker"?
MICHAEL
Yeah. But just for now.
CAMERON
And there’s another problem. Bianca said that
Kat likes -- pretty guys.
This is met with silence. Then:
PATRICK
Are you telling me I’m not a pretty guy?
MICHAEL
He's very pretty! He’s a gorgeous guy.
CAMERON
I wasn't sure. I didn’t know.
Cameron pulls out a list of information.
CAMERON
(continuing)
Alright. Okay -- Likes: Thai food, feminist
prose, and "angry, girl music of
the indie-rock persuasion". Here’s a list of
CDs that she has in her room.
PATRICK
So I'm supposed to buy her some noodles and a
book and sit around listening to chicks
who can't play their instruments, right?
MICHAEL
Have you ever been to Club Skunk?
CAMERON
Her favorite band is playing there tomorrow
night.
PATRICK
I can’t be seen at Club Skunk, alright?
CAMERON
But she’ll be there. She’s got tickets.
MICHAEL
Just assail your ears for one night.
CAMERON
She has a pair of black underwear, if that helps.
MICHAEL
(with a wink-wink-nudge-nudge voice)
Couldn’t hurt, right?
INT. CLUB SKUNK - NIGHT
Patrick walks down the hallway toward the stage and is eyed
suspiciously by various girls in the hall. He enters, searches
the crowd, and finds Kat dancing with Mandella. He sits at the bar.
BARTENDER
Verona! What are you doing here tonight?
Kat stops dancing and shouts at her friends.
KAT
I need agua!
She heads for the bar.
KAT
(to the bartender)
Two waters.
She spots Patrick ignoring her and looks disgusted.
KAT
(to Patrick)
If you’re planning on asking me out again, you
might as well just get it over with.
PATRICK
(pretending to be absorbed by the music)
Would you mind? You’re kind of ruining this for me.
KAT
You’re not surrounded by your usual cloud of smoke.
PATRICK
I know. I quit. Apparently they’re bad for you.
KAT
(too surprised to be sarcastic)
You did?
PATRICK
You know, these guys are no Bikini Kill or Raincoats,
but they’re not bad.
He stands and heads into the crowd. Stunned for a moment, Kat
rushes after him.
KAT
You know who the Raincoats are?
PATRICK
Why? Don’t you? I was watching you out there before...
The song ends and there is a moment of silence in the club as he
continues to use his loud-club-volume voice.
PATRICK
(continuing)
I’ve never seen you look so sexy.
The crowd hears him clearly and laughs. He grins with embarrassment.
PATRICK
(continuing)
Come to Bogie’s party with me.
KAT
You never give up, do you?
She begins to walk away through the crowd.
PATRICK
Was that a yes?
KAT
(shouting over her shoulder)
No.
PATRICK
Well, was that a no?
KAT
No.
PATRICK
(shouting after her)
I’ll see you at 9:30 then.
INT. STRATFORD LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Bianca and Chastity are dolled-up in party clothes and are
attempting to sneak down the stairs and out the door.
Walter is reading the paper, facing the opposite direction.
WALTER
You should have used the window.
She pretends everything is normal.
BIANCA
Hi Daddy.
WALTER
Hi. Where are we going?
BIANCA
Well, if you must know, a small study
group of friends.
WALTER
Otherwise known as an orgy?
CHASTITY
Mr. Stratford, it’s just a party.
WALTER
And Hell is just a sauna.
Kat comes walking down the stairs, oblivious of what’s going on.
Walter directs his attention toward Kat.
WALTER
You know about any party?
Kat shrugs and shakes her head.
BIANCA
People expect me to be there!
WALTER
If Kat's not going, you're not going.
Bianca turns to Kat.
BIANCA
Why can’t you be normal?
KAT
Define normal.
BIANCA
Bogey Lowenstein's party is normal.
WALTER
What's a Bogey Lowenstein?
KAT
Bogie’s party is just a lame excuse for all the
idiots at our school to drink beer and rub up
against each other in hopes of distracting
themselves from the pathetic emptiness of their...
Chastity and Bianca are familiar with this old rant and chime in
to finish her sentence for her.
BIANCA/CHASTITY
...meaningless, consumer-driven lives.
Kat stops short. Surprised she’s become so predictable.
BIANCA
Can you, for just one night, forget that you’re
completely wretched and be my sister? Please?
Please?! C’mon, Kat, please do this for me.
She’s very sincere. Kat is swayed.
KAT
Fine. I’ll make an appearance.
Bianca and Chastity look at each other, thrilled, and burst
into gleeful screams, hugging Kat from either side.
WALTER
It's starting.
BIANCA
It's just a party. Daddy.
Walter looks dazed.
WALTER
I want you to wear the belly.
BIANCA
Daddy, no!
WALTER
Not all night. Just around the living room
for a minute so you can understand the full
weight of your decisions.
He rushes to a cupboard and pulls out a padded faux-
pregnancy jacket. Bianca limply holds out her arms in defeat.
He hangs it on her.
BIANCA
I am perfectly aware...
WALTER
Listen to me. Every time you even think about
kissing a boy, I want you to picture wearing
this under your halter top.
BIANCA
You are so completely unbalanced.
WALTER
Uh huh.
KAT
We’re going now.
WALTER
(to Kat)
Alright, wait a minute. No drinking. No drugs. No kissing.
No tattoos. No piercings. No ritual animal slaughter of
any kind.
(to himself)
Oh god, I’m giving them ideas...
Kat opens the door, and there stands Patrick.
KAT
What are you doing here?
PATRICK
Nine-thirty right?
Kat's in shock
PATRICK
(continuing)
I'm early.
KAT
Whatever. I'm driving.
He peeks in behind her.
PATRICK
Who knocked up your sister?
INT. MICHAEL’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Cameron and Michael are preparing to go to the party. Michael
employs a variety of questionable beautification techniques.
CAMERON
So, then Bianca says that I was right. That
she didn't wear the Kenneth Coles with that
dress because she thought it was
mixing genres. Right? And the fact
that I noticed -- and this is a direct quote -
"really meant something."
Cameron looks At Michael expectantly
MICHAEL
You told me that part already.
CAMERON
I've been thinking about it all the time...
MICHAEL
Stop being so self-involved for one minute.
How do I look?
CAMERON
You look like my great uncle, Milton.
MICHAEL
You think I should lose the tie?
CAMERON
(obviously)
Yeah.
MICHAEL
Maybe you’re right.
(very flustered and nervous)
I’m just so nervous. You know? And I’m also very
excited. I’m nervous and I’m excited. It’s all
very mixed up. I don’t know...
CAMERON
Okay, alright. Just calm down. Alright.
MICHAEL
The last party I went to was at Chuck-E-Cheeze. You
wanna talk about some fun?
(he snorts happily)
That’s a good time.
EXT. BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
A huge pack of party-goers, carrying kegs and ready to have some
fun, charge through the night like hungry wolves, descending on
Bogey’s well-lit, upscale, suburban home.
INT. BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
BOGEY, the leader of the Future MBA’s, plays the host to some stiff-looking
kids arranged on some flowery sofas in a very expensive-looking den.
He hands out cigars proudly.
BOGEY
Now remember guys. Don’t touch anything.
He spots one of his guests fondling a crystal vase and seizes it.
BOGEY
(continuing)
Oh...what did I tell you?
He puts it back where it came from as the doorbell rings. He
lights up and heads for the door.
BOGEY
That must be Nigel with the Brie.
Before he gets to the door, the room is stampeded with partiers.
Within second the house is filled to capacity. A DJ is suddenly
spinning and booze is everywhere.
INT. UPSTAIRS BALCONY, BOGIE’S - NIGHT
Michael drifts through an archway with a beer in his hand and
bee-lines for a busty blonde.
MICHAEL
(to girl)
You know, I’m thinking about getting a Tercel.
Yeah, that’s a Toyota.
She winces and she and her friend start to walk away.
MICHAEL
(shouting after her)
It has dual-side airbags and a spacious back seat.
Across the way, Kat and Patrick come up the stairs to the
balcony. Patrick encounters a very drunk and happy girl.
DRUNK GIRL
(to Patrick)
Kiss me!
She embraces him and he turns her around and nudges her into
the arms of a lonely guy on a chair.
PATRICK
Kiss him.
She immediately falls upon the lucky guy’s lips. He manages
to tear himself away for a moment as Patrick passes.
LUCKY GUY
(to Patrick)
Hey, thanks man!
In doing so, he forgets about the girl and drops her on the ground.
Meanwhile, Kat has made her way into the next room, where she is
met by Joey.
JOEY
Sweet! Lookin' fresh tonight, Pussy-Kat.
Kat gives him a dark look and then stops and points at his
forehead.
KAT
Wait -- was that?-- Did your hairline
just recede?
He’s flustered for a moment. When he recovers she's already walking away.
JOEY
Hey, where ya goin?
KAT
Away.
JOEY
Your sister here?
KAT
Stay away from my sister.
JOEY
(smirking)
Oh I’ll stay away from your sister. But
I can’t guarantee she’ll stay away from me.
A ruckus sounds from the next room and a jock jumps in next to them.
JOCK
Fight!
JOEY
Ooo! Fight!
He and the Jock run off to watch. Two guys are slugging it out in the den.
Bogie watches in horror.
BOGIE
You guys, please! Take it outside!
They wrestle and crash through the bay window onto the grass outside.
BOGIE
Thank you.
Kat pushes through the gathered crowd to get away and encounters Joey
with Bianca on his arm.
JOEY
Hey Kat. Look who found me.
Joey and Bianca walk away. She ignores Kat.
KAT
Bianca, wait!
BIANCA
(annoyed)
Please don’t address me in public.
KAT
No wait. There’s something I need to tell you.
BIANCA
Look. I am busy enjoying my adolescence, so
scamper off and do the same.
JOEY
(loving this)
Bye bye.
They leave a dejected Kat behind. A guy with a tray of shots
sidles up next to Kat.
SHOTS GUY
Want one?
Patrick appears behind her as she snatches a shot and downs it with
a grimace of intense discomfort.
PATRICK
What’s this?
SHOTS GUY
Right on, sister!
PATRICK
(to Kat)
I’ve been looking all over the place for you.
KAT
(mocking)
"I'm getting trashed, man." Isn't that
what you're supposed to do at a party?
PATRICK
I dunno. I say, do what you wanna do.
KAT
Funny, you're the only one. Later.
She pushes away into the crowd.
INT. BOGEY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Michael spots another pair of girls and tries his luck again.
He does a weak impression of an Irish jig.
MICHAEL
Lord of the Dance. Hi Heather.
HEATHER
Bite me.
She walks away.
MICHAEL
(undaunted and still quite cheery)
Should have kept the tie.
Cameron comes up behind him.
CAMERON
Hey. Have you seen her around anywhere?
Michael spots Bianca and Chastity coming down the stairs
and points Cameron in her direction.
MICHAEL
Relax. Relax. I’m telling you,
follow the love, man.
Cameron walks over to the girls.
CAMERON
Hi Bianca.
BIANCA
Oh, hi Cameron.
BIANCA
Um, you know Chastity?
A bit uncomfortable, she pushes Chastity between them.
CAMERON
(to Chastity)
Yeah. I think we have art together, right?
CHASTITY
(not amused)
Great.
CAMERON
(to Bianca)
So, uh, you really look amazing.
Chastity shows pitiable disdain at his obvious pass.
BIANCA
(uncomfortable)
Thanks.
Joey comes down the stairs and has overheard Cameron’s
compliment. Chastity looks him up and down approvingly.
JOEY
We all know I look amazing.
The girls both giggle.
JOEY
Bianca, let’s go. We’re all congregating
around Mr. Cuervo.
BIANCA
(to Cameron)
Um, I’ll see you around, okay?
Joey and the girls walk away as Cameron stares in disbelief.
Joey looks back just long enough to flash him a thumb’s up.
Cameron is crushed.
INT. A ROOM, BOGEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Bianca walks next to Joey as he blathers about modeling.
JOEY
So I've got the Sears catalog
thing going -- and the tube sock gig.
That is gonna be huge!
He pauses as someone screams and falls off the roof outside
the window.
JOEY
(continuing)
And I’m up for a hemorrhoid cream ad next week.
Bianca looks truly offended.
JOEY
(continuing)
I know it sounds kind of bogus, but...I get getta
do some acting.
He pauses again, this time to place his empty can of Budweiser
atop a large beer-can pyramid. He then strikes a pose. Bianca
isn’t watching.
JOEY
You see what I did there?
BIANCA
Um... uh huh.
JOEY
That was underwear. I’ll show you the bathing suit
one next.
It’s exactly the same.
JOEY
(continuing)
You see the difference?
She turns away looking disgusted again. He notices her lack of
interest and takes it in stride, turning immediately to someone
behind him.
JOEY
(to other person)
Okay, I’ll show you.
Bianca uses the opportunity to slip away.
INT. BOGEY'S DEN - NIGHT
A cowboy sits with another kid chewing tobacco. He unloads a mouthful
of it into a nice crystal vase. Bogie takes the vase from them and
moans woefully.
Bianca passes, searching the crowd, and spots Joey through an archway
striking poses for a crowd. She turns away and faces Cameron, who is
obviously not happy with the evening’s turn of events.
Bianca decided to avoid the inevitable conflict and pulls Chastity in
the opposite direction.
BIANCA
(to Chastity)
Is it just me, or does this party all of a
sudden suck?
They walk away. Cameron looks sour.
INT. BOGEY'S KITCHEN - NIGHT
Patrick is searching for Kat. He passes the Drunk Girl and Lucky
Guy from earlier, and the guy grabs his shirt.
LUCKY GUY
Really. Really! Thank you!
Patrick gives him a pat on the shoulder and moves on. He spots Kat,
who is already very drunk, standing with a fresh shot in her hand.
Patrick tries to remove a shot glass from Kat's hand.
PATRICK
Hey hey hey! Why don’t you let me have this one, huh?
Kat is fierce in her refusal and pulls the shot away.
KAT
No! This one’s mine.
She rushes off.
Joey enters, grabbing Patrick by the shoulder, distracting
him from following Kat.
JOEY
My man! How did you get her to do it?
PATRICK
Do what?
JOEY
Act like a human.
They both notice Kat has climbed up on a table in the next
room and is dancing. Joey is very pleased and rushes to watch.
JOEY
Yeah! Alright!
Others form a crowd, clapping and cheering her on. Bianca
sees her from the balcony and rushes off. Kat completes her
dance by falling off the table. Patrick catches her.
PATRICK
Are you okay?
KAT
I'm fine.
She tries to sit up, but falls back again.
PATRICK
You're not fine. C’mon.
He helps her to walk away from the table and down the hall.
KAT
I just need to lie down somewhere.
PATRICK
Uh, uh. You lie down and you'll go to
sleep
KAT
Sleep is good.
PATRICK
Yeah. Not if you have a concussion.
EXT. BOGIE’S HOUSE - NIGHT
A few partygoers stand around as Patrick guides her toward a
stone bench.
PATRICK
C'mon. Here, sit down. Sit.
As Patrick sits Kat down, Cameron comes up next to him.
CAMERON
(to Patrick)
Hey, hey. We need to talk.
PATRICK
I'm a little busy right now.
CAMERON
Can you give me a second?
Patrick steps aside with him.
CAMERON
(continuing)
It's off, okay? The whole thing’s off.
PATRICK
What’re you talking about?
CAMERON
She never wanted me. She wanted Joey the
whole time.
Patrick doesn't have time for this.
PATRICK
Cameron -- do you like the girl?
CAMERON
Yeah.
PATRICK
(impatient)
Yeah. And is she worth all this trouble?
CAMERON
Well, I thought she was. But, you know, I...
PATRICK
Well she is or she isn’t. See, first of all, Joey
is not half the man you are. Secondly, don’t let
anyone ever make you feel like you don’t deserve
what you want. Go for it!
Kat begins to fall off the bench and Patrick catches her again.
He stands her up and they walk away.
PATRICK
(to Kat)
C’mon.
Patrick continues walking an oblivious Kat away from the party.
Cameron stands there, unsure how to make use of this advice.
EXT. THE STREET OUTSIDE BOGIE’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Patrick marches Kat down the street, holding her up. They head
up a hill.
KAT
(annoyed at being held up)
You’re so patronizing.
PATRICK
Leave it to you to use big words when
you're smashed.
She pushes his arm off and tries to walk on her own.
KAT
I don’t think so.
She falls down and stands back up again.
PATRICK
Okay...
KAT
Why are you doing this?
PATRICK
I told you. You may have a concussion.
KAT
You don't care if I never wake up.
PATRICK
(he grins)
Sure, I do.
KAT
Why?
They reach a set of two swings hedged by ivy and stop.
PATRICK
Well then, because then I'd have to start taking
out girls who actually like me.
KAT
Like you could find one.
PATRICK
See that, there? Who needs affection when
I have blind hatred?
KAT
Let me sit down for a while.
She walks over to the swings and plops down,
moving her hands to hang onto the ropes.
She sits and looks at him for a moment with a smile. Then
falls over backward, just in time to be caught--again.
PATRICK
Jesus.
Patrick sits on the other swing.
PATRICK
(continuing)
So why'd you let him get to you?
KAT
Who?
PATRICK
Joey.
KAT
I hate him.
PATRICK
Well, you’ve chosen the perfect revenge:
mainlining tequila.
They both laugh.
KAT
Well, you know what they say...
He stops the swing
PATRICK
No. What do they say?
Kat is asleep, her head resting against the swing's rope. He’s
concerned about her falling asleep with a possible concussion.
PATRICK
(continuing)
No no no no! Kat! C’mon, wake up! Look at me!
Listen to me, Kat. Open your eyes!
He slaps her and she slowly opens her eyes.
KAT
(waking)
Hey. You’re eyes have a little green in them.
He sighs with relief and smiles. They make meaningful eye
contact, and she then vomits at his feet.
EXT. BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S DRIVEWAY - NIGHT
Kids loiter outside. Bianca and Chastity are waiting.
BIANCA
I don’t know if we should go...
Joey comes up to them.
JOEY
Hey. A bunch of us are going to Jaret's
house. Ready?
BIANCA
Uh, I have to be home in twenty minutes.
CHASTITY
(eagerly, to Joey)
You know, I don't have to be home 'til two. So...
JOEY
(to Bianca)
One more chance...
BIANCA
(not interested)
Oh, man. I can’t. Damn.
CHASTITY
That’s a shame.
(to Joey)
Well?
JOEY
(to Chastity)
You wanna go?
CHASTITY
Sure.
BIANCA
Chastity!
CHASTITY
Hey, you passed.
Chastity leaves with Joey.
BIANCA
(to herself)
Bitch.
Cameron exits the party and stops when he sees Bianca
standing alone.
CAMERON
(slightly accusatory)
Hey. Have fun tonight?
BIANCA
(unenthused)
Tons.
He starts to walk on.
BIANCA
(continuing)
Cameron?
He stops. She gives him a helpless smile.
BIANCA
(continuing)
Do you think you could give me a ride home?
He stops, facing away from her. He looks very put-out.
INT. KAT'S CAR - NIGHT
Patrick drives as Kat sits in the passenger seat. She listens
to the stereo.
KAT
I should do this.
PATRICK
Do what?
KAT
This.
She points to the radio.
PATRICK
Start a band?
KAT
(sarcastically)
No, install car stereos. Yeah, start a band.
My father would love that.
Patrick pulls up to her house and stops the car.
PATRICK
You don't strike me as the type that
would ask your father’s permission.
She turns to look at him.
KAT
Oh, so now you think you know me?
PATRICK
I'm gettin' there
Her voice loses it's venom
KAT
The only thing people know about me is
that I'm "scary".
PATRICK
Yeah, well, I'm no picnic myself.
They eye each other, sharing a moment of connection.
PATRICK
(avoiding the tension)
So what ' s up with your dad? Is he a
pain in the ass?
KAT
No. He just wants me to be someone I'm not.
PATRICK
Who?
KAT
Bianca.
PATRICK
Ah... Bianca. No offense or anything, I mean,
I know everyone digs you're sister. But, um...
She’s without.
Kat stares at him with new admiration.
KAT
You know, you're not as vile as I
thought you were.
She leans drunkenly toward him.
Their faces grow closer as if they're about to kiss And then
Patrick pulls away.
PATRICK
Maybe we should do this another time.
Kat stares at him, pissed. Then gets out of the car
and stomps off.
CAMERON'S CAR - NIGHT
Bianca and Cameron ride in silence.
He pulls up in front of her house and finally breaks it.
CAMERON
You never wanted to go sailing with me,
did you?
BIANCA
(lying to be nice)
Yes I did.
CAMERON
No. You didn’t.
BIANCA
Well, okay. No. Not actually.
CAMERON
(upset and disappointed)
Well, then that's all you had to say.
You always been this selfish?
BIANCA thinks for a few seconds.
BIANCA
(meekly)
Yes.
CAMERON
You know, just because you're beautiful, doesn't
mean you can treat people like they don't matter.
I mean, I really like you. Okay? I defended you
when people called you conceited. I helped you
when you asked me to. I learned French for you!
And then you just blow me off...
She looks at him for a moment, then grabs his face and
gives him a kiss on the lips. He is stunned. She smiles, then
gets out of the car without another word.
Cameron looks as though he’s just been told he’s inherited a
billion dollars as she turns, smiles, and walks away.
CAMERON
(regaining his composure)
And I'm back in the game!
INT. ENGLISH CLASS - DAY
Kat enters the class. DEREK, a White Rasta, pokes fun at her for
dancing at the party the night before.
DEREK
Kat, me lady, you sway to the rhythm of
me heart.
CLEM, a cowboy, chimes in as she makes her way to her seat.
CLEM
Dance for me, cowgirl.
JOEY
Kat, babe, what do we owe you for the table dance?
MR. MORGAN
(to the class)
Allright, not that I care, but how was everybody’s
weekend?
JOEY
Oh, I don’t know.
Maybe we should ask Kat.
MR. MORGAN
Unless she kicked the crap out of your dumb butt,
I don’t wanna hear about it. Okay, let’s open up
our books to page 73, sonnet 141. And listen up:
He quotes from Shakespeare’s sonnet with a modern rapper lilt.
MR. MORGAN
(reciting)
“In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes.
For they and thee a thousand errors note.
But ‘tis my heart loves what they despise,
who in despite of view is pleas’d to dote.”
(continuing as normal)
Now, I know Shakespeare’s a dead white guy.
But he knows his shit, so we can overlook that.
I want you all to write your own
version of this Sonnet.
The class groans in disapproval.
Kat raises her hand. Mr. Morgan is unpleased. He’s obviously
accustomed to her opposition.
MR. MORGAN
Yes, Miss I-have-an-opinion-about-everything?
KAT
Do you want this in iambic pentameter?
MR. MORGAN
You’re not going to fight me on this?
KAT
No. I think it’s a really good assignment.
MR. MORGAN
(laughs)
You’re just messin’ with me, aren’t you?
KAT
No. I’m really looking forward to writing it.
MR. MORGAN
(thinks she’s mocking him)
Get out of my class.
KAT
What?
MR. MORGAN
Out. Get out!
She looks confused, slowly rises and leaves.
JOEY
Thanks Mr. Morgan.
MR. MORGAN
Shut up.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Mandella is at her locker. Drawings of William Shakespeare
adorn the door. Michael walks up.
MICHAEL
Hey. That’s a cool picture. What’s the collar for?
Is it to keep him from licking his stitches?
He laughs at his own joke, then notices her lack of amusement.
MICHAEL
(continuing)
Kidding. No, because I know you’re a fan of Shakespeare.
MANDELLA
More than a fan. We’re involved.
MICHAEL
Okay.
She continues to ignore him.
MICHAEL
(quoting from Shakespeare)
“Who could refrain that had a heart to
love and in that heart...“
MANDELLA
(finishing the quote for him)
...courage to make love known?
Michael thinks for a minute.
MICHAEL
Macbeth, right?
MANDELLA
(happily stunned)
Right.
MICHAEL
So, listen... I have this friend...
EXT. SOCCER FIELD - DAY
Cameron sits next to Patrick on the bleachers as they watch
the girls practice.
CAMERON
What'd you do to her?
PATRICK
I didn’t do anything.
Would’ve been too drunk to remember.
CAMERON
But the plan was working.
PATRICK
What do you care? I thought you wanted out.
CAMERON
Yeah, well I did, but, uh, that was until she
kissed me.
PATRICK
(grins)
Where?
CAMERON
In the car.
Michael is jogging up to them from across the jogging track. As he
crosses it, he is nearly run over by two joggers.
MICHAEL
Sorry.
JOGGERS
Dweeb! Putz!
MICHAEL
I’m Sorry!
He sits with Cameron and Patrick.
MICHAEL
Alright. I talked to her. I got the scoop.
CAMERON
What did she say?
MICHAEL
Hates him with the fire of a
thousand suns. That's a direct quote.
PATRICK
Thanks, Malcolm. That’s very comforting of you.
CAMERON
We don’t know. She could just need a day to cool
off.
A soccer ball flies past them from the field, narrowly missing their
heads. Kat stands menacingly glaring at them.
PATRICK
(continuing)
Maybe two.
INT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY
Kat and Mandella walk. Kat sees a prom flyer and tears it down as the
flier posting girl watches.
PROM POSTER GIRL
Hey!
Kat doesn’t hear her and just keeps walking.
KAT
Can you imagine who would go to that antiquated
mating ritual?
MANDELLA
(raises her hand)
I would. But I don’t have a date.
KAT
Do you really want to get all dressed up so
some Drakkar Noir-wearing Dexter with a boner
can feel you up while you’re forced to listen
to a band that by definition sucks?
MANDELLA
Alright, alright. We won't go. It's not like
I’ve got a dress anyway.
KAT
You ' re looking at this from entirely the wrong
perspective. We're making a statement.
MANDELLA
(unconvinced and sarcastic)
Oh, goody. Something new and different
for us.
EXT. ARCHERY FIELD - DAY
Mr. Chapin instructs as boys and girls shoot arrows at targets.
Joey swaggers up to Bianca, who is taking careful aim.
JOEY
Hey there, Cupid.
BIANCA
(not looking at him)
Hi, Joey.
JOEY
You're concentrating awfully hard
considering it's gym class.
She turns to look at him and releases the arrow at an angle. A cry
is heard off-camera. Bianca clearly isn’t interested in talking to Joey.
BIANCA
Can I help you?
JOEY
I want to talk to you about prom.
BIANCA
Look, you know the deal. I can't go if Kat
doesn't go.
In the background, Mr. Chapin crumples to the ground with an arrow
sticking out of his rear end. Chastity scurries over to help him.
JOEY
Your sister is going.
Bianca looks at him, surprised
BIANCA
Since when?
JOEY
Oh, let’s just say I'm taking care of it.
Joey takes an arrow and hands it to her as he walks away.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Joey hands 2 $100 bills to Patrick.
JOEY
Here. This should take care of the flowers, the limo,
the tux, everything. Just make sure she gets to the prom.
Patrick’s conscience seems to be bothering him.
PATRICK
You know what? I’m sick of playing your little game.
He hands back the cash. Joey reaches into his pocket again and looks around.
JOEY
You sick of, let’s say, 300?
Patrick looks a bit tortured, but eventually takes the money.
INT. GUITAR STORE - DAY
Kat is playing a guitar with headphones on. Patrick comes up behind her,
then decides to leave her alone.
INT. BOOK STORE - DAY
Patrick scans the store for Kat, sees her, and follows her from the next
row of books. When the reach the end of the aisle, he confronts her.
PATRICK
Excuse me, have you seen The Feminine
Mystique? I’ve lost my copy.
KAT
(not pleased)
What are you doing here?
PATRICK
I heard there was a poetry reading.
KAT
You're so...
PATRICK
Charming?
She turns and begins to walk away.
PATRICK
(continuing)
Wholesome.
KAT
(turning back)
Unwelcome.
PATRICK
You’re not as mean as you think you are, you know that?
KAT
And you’re not as badass as you think you are.
PATRICK
Ooo, someone still has their panties in a twist.
KAT
Don't for one minute think that you had
any effect whatsoever on my panties.
PATRICK
Then what did I have an effect on ?
KAT
Other than my upchuck reflex? Nothing.
She heads for the door, handing him a copy of The Feminine Mystique as
she leaves.
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
Cameron and Michael flank Patrick as he piles food onto his tray.
PATRICK
You’re right. She's still pissed.
MICHAEL
Sweet love, renew thy force!
PATRICK
Hey, man! Don't say shit like that to me.
People can hear you.
CAMERON
Look. You embarrassed the girl. Sacrifice
yourself on the altar of dignity and
even the score.
Patrick scowls and walks away.
MICHAEL
Listen. Don’t say shit like that to him. People
can hear you.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Patrick hands a wad of cash to a pudgy kid and smiles.
INT. FIELD ANNOUNCER’S BOOTH - DAY
A pair of hands are scanning the controls for the school stadium’s audio
setup. One hand holds a cordless microphone, the other turns up the volume
on a switch labeled “Field Mic Announce”.
EXT. THE BLEACHERS - DAY
Looking down on the field where the girls are practicing soccer, Patrick
stands atop the bleachers with the microphone in his hand and begins to
sing an old love song to Kat.
He completes the first verse, as everyone watches, then gives a
signal to the pudgy kid he met in the hall earlier. The kid is the leader
of the school marching band, which then chimes in and begins playing the
music for the song. Kat is thrilled.
Patrick continues singing and dancing around on the bleachers, until two
cops arrive. They grab him as the soccer team applauds his performance.
He breaks free and continues hamming about, spanks an officer’s bum as he
passes, then runs away. Kat is obviously flattered.
INT. DETENTION HALL - DAY
Patrick and several other miscreants sit quietly, mulling
over their misfortune as Mr. Chapin presides. Mr. Chapin tries to sit
on the edge of the desk, grimaces in pain from his arrow wound, and
someone in the classroom giggles.
MR. CHAPIN
(to a stoner kid)
You look pretty nervous.
STONER KID
Yes sir.
MR. CHAPIN
You’re sweating like a pig.
STONER KID
Yes sir.
MR. CHAPIN
Your eyes are all...bloodshot.
STONER KID
Yes sir.
MR. CHAPIN
You’ve got pot, don’t you?
Stoner Kid hands him a bag of weed.
MR. CHAPIN
I’m confiscating this.
He turns around and sees a bag of Cheetos on another kid’s desk, which
he also takes, revealing possible future plans for his contraband...
MR. CHAPIN
This too.
Kat suddenly enters the room and approaches Mr. Chapin. Patrick looks
up and sees her.
KAT
Um, sir? I have some ideas on how we can improve
the girl’s soccer team.
MR. CHAPIN
Great! Let’s talk about it later.
He turns away and she uses the opportunity to motion to Patrick.
KAT
(whispering to Patrick)
The window.
(he doesn’t get it)
Window!
Mr. Chapin turns back around and she laughs.
KAT
(continuing to Mr. Chapin)
As you know, we have a really big game with Hillcrest High...
Patrick runs for the side of the room as she distracts Mr. Chapin.
Mr. Chapin begins to turn, but she grabs his arm to stop him.
KAT
(gasps)
You’re bicep is huge! Oh my god. The other
one’s even bigger. You don’t take steroids, do you?
Because I’ve heard steroids can severely disintegrate
your...package.
The classroom murmers, including an inexplicable older, balding guy in the
back row, who seems to be a badly cast extra.
KAT
(continuing)
That’s not the point.
MR. CHAPIN
Let’s hope not.
He hears Patrick make a creaking noise and tries to turn. She stops him.
KAT
The point is, they kick our butts every year. I was
thinking. I devised a plan that will enable us to
finally defeat them.
MR. CHAPIN
Which is?
Patrick is sneaking toward the window behind him, next to
a big sign that reads: “All’s Quiet on the Western Front”.
KAT
(continuing)
That thing you taught us.
MR. CHAPIN
What thing?
KAT
Misdirection.
MR. CHAPIN
I taught you that?
KAT
Yeah. You, or Siegfried, or Roy. Anyway,
that’s not important. The...
He tries to turn again and she grabs his chin to stop him.
KAT
Think about it! Um, they’re looking left, and
we’re running right. Bang! We score. We win.
Kat starts to panic, as Patrick has yet to make it out the window.
MR. CHAPIN
Okay. But how do we get ‘em to look left?
KAT
(in desperation)
Um, like this.
She lifts her shirt just long enough for Patrick to escape.
The miscreants cheer, for both the daring escape and the
flash of skin.
KAT
Okay. Well, now that you’ve seen...The Plan,
I’m gonna go and show The Plan to someone else. Okay.
She walks away as the classroom applauds.
EXT. IN THE BAY - DAY
Patrick and Kat peddle a small, rented leisure boat. They are
laughing together.
PATRICK
I can’t thank you enough for helping me sneak out of
detention. Very cool.
KAT
No problem.
PATRICK
I thought for sure I was busted when I was climbing
out that window, I tell ya. So how did you keep
him distracted?
KAT
I dazzled him with my... wits.
PATRICK
(after a pause)
So what's your excuse?
KAT
For?
PATRICK
Acting the way we do.
KAT
I don't like to do what people expect.
Why should I live up to other people’s
expectations instead of my own?
PATRICK
So you disappoint them from the
start and then you're covered, right?
KAT
Something like that
PATRICK
Then you screwed up
KAT
How?
PATRICK
You never disappointed me.
PATRICK
(after a romantic pause)
Are you up for it?
KAT
Up for what?
He motions to the SIGN for a paint-ball game.
EXT. PAINTBALL PARK - DAY
They chase each other around and get covered in paint,
having a good time of it. Eventually, they end up
falling down and literally rolling in the hay, caught
in an embrace and a short bit of lip action before the
game continues.
EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY
Patrick pulls up outside Kat's house and they get out. Paint still
streaks their hair.
PATRICK
No. None of that stuff is true.
KAT
State trooper?
PATRICK
Fallacy. Uh, dead guy in the parking lot?
KAT
Rumor. The duck?
PATRICK
Hearsay. Bobby Ridgeway’s balls?
KAT
Fact. But he deserved it. He tried to grope me
in the lunch line.
PATRICK
Fair enough.
KAT
The accident?
PATRICK
It’s real. I lived in Australia until I was 10.
KAT
With the Pygmies?
PATRICK
Close. With my mom.
KAT
Where were you last year?
I know the porn career's a lie.
PATRICK
Do you?
They pause for a moment, then laugh.
KAT
Tell me something true.
PATRICK
Something true? I hate peas.
KAT
No. Something real. Something no one
else knows.
PATRICK
(in-between kissing her neck)
Okay. You're sweet. And sexy. And
completely hot for me.
KAT
You're amazingly self-assured. Has
anyone ever told you that?
PATRICK
I tell myself that every day, actually.
He kisses her.
PATRICK
Go to the prom with me
KAT
Is that a request or a command?
PATRICK
C’mon, go with me.
KAT
No.
PATRICK
No? Why not?
KAT
No, I won't go with you
PATRICK
Why not?
KAT
Because I don't want to. It's a stupid
tradition.
PATRICK
C’mon. People won't expect you to go.
Kat turns to him, getting angry.
KAT
Why are you pushing this?
What's in it for you?
He plays the role of the guilty, accused husband, answering with
an accusatory question.
PATRICK
Oh, so I need to have a motive to want to be
with you?
KAT
You tell me.
PATRICK
You need therapy, you know that? Has anyone ever told
you that?
KAT
(suspicious and a little hurt)
Answer the question, Patrick
PATRICK
(angry)
Nothing! There is nothing in it for me.
Just the pleasure of your company, okay?
He takes out a cigarette. She throws it away before she
storms off and SLAMS the door to the house.
INT. STUDY HALL - DAY
Cameron and Bianca sit together at a table. She stares at him.
CAMERON
(speaking in French)
May I offer you a parsnip?
BIANCA
(in French)
No, you may not.
CAMERON
(in French)
Where is my uncle’s pencil?
BIANCA
(in French, impatient)
I don’t know. Perhaps it’s up your ass?
CAMERON
(flustered, in English)
Wait. Wait a minute. That, that’s not on this page.
BIANCA
(in French, angry)
Let me ask you a question, Cameron. When
are you going to ask me out?
She gets up and storms off. Cameron, perplexed at this development,
obviously didn’t understand what she said. He flips through his
French book for an explanation and evidently finds one.
CAMERON
(in French)
Shit.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Mandella opens her locker. Hanging inside is a beautiful period-style
green dress with a note. Mandella holds the dress up to read the note.
The note reads: "0 Fair One. Join me at the prom. I will be
waiting. Love, William S."
Mandella seems pleased.
EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE/PATIO - DAY
Walter does crunches on an abdominal machine. He is struggling
magnificently.
WALTER
(grunting)
Seven!
(He stops and catches his breath)
Good.
He stands up as Bianca enters.
BIANCA
Daddy?
WALTER
Hi, honey.
BIANCA
Um, I want to discuss tomorrow night. As you know,
it's the prom...
He has been using a stretchy arm workout device, and it suddenly
flies away off the balcony.
WALTER
The prom? Kat has a date?
BIANCA
Well, no.
WALTER
Don’t think you’re fooling me for a second.
I know who you want to bend the rules for.
It's that hot rod Joey.
BIANCA
What’s a "hot rod"?
WALTER
It’s a... If your sister’s not going, you're not going.
End of story.
BIANCA
Okay, let’s review. Kat: not interested.
Me: dying to go.
WALTER
You know what happens at proms?
BIANCA
Yes, daddy. We'll dance, we'll kiss, we'll
come home. It’s not quite the crisis situation
you imagine.
WALTER
Kissing, huh? That’s what you think
happens? Got news for you. Kissing isn't what keeps
me up to my elbows in placenta all day long.
BIANCA
Can we for 2 seconds ignore the fact that you’re
severely unhinged and discuss my need for a night
of teenage normalcy?
WALTER
What’s normal? Those damn Dawson’s River kids
sleeping in each other’s beds and whatnot?
BIANCA
Daddy, that is so not...
WALTER
Got news for ya. I’m down. I’ve got the 411.
And you are not going out and getting jiggy
with some boy. I don’t care how dope his ride is.
She groans and leaves.
WALTER
(to himself)
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
The stretchy arm device now comes flying back onto the patio and lands
in the hot tub.
WALTER
(shouting)
Thanks, Bill.
INT. BIANCA'S ROOM - DAY
Bianca lies on her bed watching The Real World Seattle. A knock sounds.
BIANCA
(annoyed)
Come in.
Kat enters.
KAT
(kindly)
Listen I know...
Bianca isn’t listening. Kat turns off the TV.
KAT
(continuing)
Listen, I know you hate having to sit at
home because I'm not Susie High School.
BIANCA
Like you care.
KAT
I do care. But I'm a firm believer in
doing something for your own reasons, and
not someone else's.
BIANCA
Well, I wish I had that luxury. You know, I'm the only
sophomore that got asked to the prom and
I can't go, because you don’t feel like it.
KAT
Joey never told you that we went out, did
he?
BIANCA
(doesn’t believe her)
Yeah, okay.
KAT
In 9th. For a month
BIANCA
(can tell she’s serious and is confused)
Why?
KAT
(self-mocking)
Because he was, like, such a babe.
BIANCA
But you hate Joey
KAT
Now I do.
BIANCA
So what happened?
Kat indicates with a nod and a raised eyebrow that they
went all the way.
BIANCA
Oh! Please tell me you’re joking.
KAT
Just once, right after mom left. Everyone was doing
it, so... I did it. Afterwards, I told him I
didn't want to anymore because I wasn't ready
and he got pissed and dumped me.
Bianca stares at her, dumbfounded
KAT
(continuing)
After that I swore I'd never do
anything just because "everyone else"
was doing it. And I haven't since.
With the exception of Bogey's party and my
stunning digestive pyrotechnics.
BIANCA
(stunned)
How is it possible that I did not know about this?
KAT
I warned him that if he told anyone, the cheerleading
squad would find out how small his dick is.
BIANCA
Okay. So why didn't you tell me?
KAT
I wanted to let you make up your own
mind about him.
BIANCA
(angry)
Then why did you help Daddy hold me hostage?
Bianca stands up slowly
BIANCA
(continuing)
It’s not like I'm stupid enough to repeat your
mistakes.
KAT
I guess I thought I was protecting you.
BIANCA
By not letting me experience anything for myself?
KAT
Not all experiences are good, Bianca.
You can't always trust the people you
want to.
BIANCA
Well, I guess I'll never know, will I?
She rises and holds the door open for Kat, then slams it
behind her.
INT. KAT'S ROOM - DAY
Kat lies in bed, staring at the ceiling. She rolls over and
looks out the window. Bianca is looking pitiful in a tire swing.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Walter sits on the couch, transfixed by an ad for an aerosol product
that covers baldness.
WALTER
Interesting...
Kat descends the stairs in an elegant blue prom dress and heads for the door.
KAT
Bye, dad. I'm going to the prom.
WALTER
(without looking up, thinks she‘s joking)
Funny, sweetie.
Kat shuts the door behind her.
Bianca walks into the living room. She's wearing a prom
dress. Walter sees and immediately crosses to where she stands.
WALTER
What’s that?
BIANCA
A prom dress.
WALTER
I seem to be hearing that word a lot lately.
The doorbell rings and Bianca opens it. There stands
Cameron in a tuxedo. He takes in Bianca's outfit.
BIANCA
Hi.
CAMERON
Wow. I, um... wow.
BIANCA
Bye, daddy.
WALTER
Stop. Turn. Explain.
BIANCA
Okay. Remember how you said I could date if Kat
dated? Well, she found this guy who’s actually
kind of perfect for her. Which is actually kind
of perfect for me, because Cameron asked me to go
to the prom, and I really really really wanna go.
And since Kat went, I guess I’m allowed to, based
on the aforementioned rule, and it’s previous
stipulations, of course.
CAMERON
(extends his hand to Walter)
Nice to meet you.
BIANCA
(intercepting his hand)
Let's go.
They dash away down the walk.
WALTER
(shouting after them)
I know every cop in town, bucko!
(to himself)
This is not good.
INT. PROM/DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT
A band that does not exactly suck by definition plays to a very
responsive crowd.
INT. PROM/BALCONY - NIGHT
Kat ascends the grand staircase and stops. Patrick notices and
comes up behind her.
PATRICK
Wow.
KAT
You too.
He hands her a rose.
KAT
Where'd you get a tux at the last minute?
PATRICK
Oh, just something I had. You know, lying around.
KAT
Oh...
PATRICK
Where'd you get the dress?
KAT
Oh, just something I had. You know, lying around.
He smiles.
KAT
Listen. I'm really sorry that I
questioned your motives. I was wrong.
Patrick sighs.
PATRICK
You’re forgiven.
KAT
Okay. Ready for the prom?
PATRICK
Yes, ma’am.
INT. STRATFORD DOORWAY - NIGHT
Joey arrives in a tux and knocks on the door. Walter opens it.
JOEY
Hi, Mr. Stratford. I’m Joey.
I'm here to pick up Bianca.
Walter gives him an icy glare in silence and then slams the door
in his face without saying a word.
INT. PROM/DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT
Patrick and Kat enter.
Kat steps forward, looking around and spots Cameron and
Bianca dancing cheek to cheek.
ACROSS THE ROOM
Mandella enters nervously, in the long Elizabethan gown,
hair piled on top of her head. She spots Kat and hurries
over, distressed.
MANDELLA
Have you seen him?
KAT
Who?
MANDELLA
William - he asked me to meet him here.
KAT
Oh, Mandella. Tell me you haven't
progressed to full-on hallucinations.
Patrick looks toward the stage and nods. Mandella turns to look.
Michael - in Shakespearean-like attire bows in their direction.
Mandella beams.
Michael makes his way through the crowd over to her.
MICHAEL
Milady.
MANDELLA
Good sir.
Michael kisses her hand in courtly manner.
INT. PROM/DANCE FLOOR - SHORTLY AFTER
Kat and Patrick clap as the band finishes a song. A new
song begins and Kat recognizes it. It’s by her favorite band.
KAT
Oh me god! It’s...
PATRICK
I called in a favor.
Kat stares in honest appreciation as the lead singer of her favorite
band appears on stage and makes her way to the crowd to sing directly
to Kat. She turns back toward the stage and Patrick kisses Kat. The
music plays.
INT. PROM/LADIES ROOM - NIGHT
Bianca is at the mirror. Chastity emerges from a stall.
BIANCA
(surprised)
What are you doing here?
Chastity is aloof.
CHASTITY
Oh, I know you didn’t think you were the only sophomore
at the prom? Joey just picked me up.
BIANCA
Well congratulations. He’s all yours.
Chastity maintains her snooty tone.
CHASTITY
Very generous, princess.
And just so you know, Joey only liked you for
one reason. He even had a bet going with his
friends. He was gonna nail you tonight.
Bianca, very disturbed, runs away.
INT. PROM/DANCE FLOOR - IMMEDIATELY AFTER
Patrick and Kat continue to slow dance in good spirits.
PATRICK
Milwaukee.
KAT
What?
PATRICK
That's where I was last year. I wasn't in
jail, I don't know Marilyn Manson, and I
didn’t sleep with a Spice Girl--I don’t think.
You see, my grandpa, he was ill, so
I spent most of the year on his
couch watching Wheel of Fortune and making
Spaghettios. End of story.
KAT
(laughs)
No way!
He's interrupted by Joey pulling him aside.
JOEY
(angry)
Hey! What's Bianca doing here with that
cheese dick? I didn't pay you to take out Kat
so that some little punk could snake me with Bianca.
Kat has heard everything. Patrick looks at her pleadingly.
KAT
Nothing in it for you, huh?
She leaves. Patrick follows.
ACROSS THE ROOM
Michael spots the altercation and dances Mandella over to
Cameron and Bianca.
MICHAEL
(to Cameron)
The shit has hiteth the fan...eth.
Michael and Cameron leave Mandella and Bianca and head for Joey.
ACROSS THE ROOM
Michael and Cameron approach Joey quickly.
MICHAEL
Joey, pal, compadre. Listen...
Joey pushes him roughly to the ground. Cameron passes Joey to help
Michael.
JOEY
You messed with the wrong guy, and
now you’re gonna pay. You, and
that little bitch.
Cameron doesn’t like the sound of that. He turns and faces Joey.
CAMERON
Alright, that’s enough! Okay?
You crossed the line.
Joey punches Cameron in the face, knocking him to the ground.
JOEY
Oh come on! Get up, you little punk!
He turns around, just in time to catch one in the nose from a
very pissed off Bianca.
JOEY
Shit, Bianca! I’m shooting a nose spray ad tomorrow!
BIANCA
That's for making my date bleed...
She belts him again.
BIANCA
(continuing)
That's for my sister...
And again.
BIANCA
(continuing)
And that's for me.
She pushes him onto the ground with Michael and Cameron. She
and Mandella help their dates off the floor.
BIANCA
(to Cameron)
Are you okay?
CAMERON
(smiling big)
Never been better.
She kisses him and they begin to dance. Everyone slow dances as
Joey groans on the floor and holds his crotch.
INT. HOTEL STAIRWAY- NIGHT
KAT heads for the stairs and Patrick catches up to her as they reach
the top.
PATRICK
Would you give me a chance...
KAT
You were paid to take me out! By
the one person I truly hate. I knew this
was a set-up!
PATRICK
Kat, it wasn't like that, okay?
KAT
Really? What was it like? A down
payment now and then a bonus for sleeping
with me?
PATRICK
No, I didn't care about the money, okay?
I cared... I cared about you.
She turns to face him with a countenance of both sadness and anger.
KAT
You are so not who I thought you were.
In desperation, he grabs her and kisses her. After a second,
she jerks away and flees down the stairs and out of sight.
Bianca comes running from behind Patrick, sees what has happened,
and stops. She seems guilty now for dragging Kat to the prom and
into this mess.
EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY
Kat is sitting on the balcony railing with a sketchbook in hand.
Bianca breezes in, bearing a cup of tea, and offers it to Kat.
BIANCA
You want?
Kat takes the tea.
KAT
Thanks.
BIANCA
So, you sure you don't want to go sailing
with us? It'll be fun.
KAT
No, I'm fine.
BIANCA
Look. I don’t know if I ever thanked you for going
last night, but it really meant a lot to me.
KAT
I’m glad.
Cameron comes jogging up the steps to the balcony, looking very
chipper indeed. He notices the seriousness of the situation.
CAMERON
(to Bianca, quietly)
Hey.
BIANCA
(quietly)
Hey.
CAMERON
You ready?
BIANCA
Mm hmm.
CAMERON
(to Kat)
See you later.
KAT
(waves)
Bye.
Bianca and Cameron walk away from Kat.
CAMERON
(to Bianca, quietly)
Is she okay?
BIANCA
I hope so.
They leave and moments later Walter enters the balcony from the house.
WALTER
Where’s your sister going?
KAT
(sarcastic, as usual)
She’s meeting some bikers. Big
ones. Full of sperm.
WALTER
(not amused)
Funny. So tell me about this dance.
Was it.. hoppin‘?
She smirks at his attempted use of hip, young lingo.
KAT
Parts of it.
WALTER
Which parts?
KAT
The part where Bianca beat the hell out
of some guy.
WALTER
Bianca did what?
KAT
What's the matter? Upset that I rubbed
off on her?
WALTER
No. Impressed.
Kat looks up, surprised at her father‘s approval.
WALTER
(continuing)
You know, fathers don't like to admit it
when their daughters are capable of
running their own lives. It means we've
become spectators. Bianca still lets me
play a few innings. You've had me on
the bench for years. And when you go to
Sarah Lawrence, I won't even be able to
watch the game.
KAT
(hopeful)
When I go?
WALTER
Oh, boy. Don't tell me you've
changed your mind. I already sent 'em a
check.
Kat, overjoyed, reaches over and gives him a hug.
ENGLISH CLASS - DAY
Mr. Morgan stands at a podium and faces the class with an open book
in front of him.
MR. MORGAN
All right. I assume everyone has found
time to complete their poem. Except for
Mr. Donner...
He begins to laugh, very pleased. Joey sulks at his desk behind
a pair of sunglasses.
MR. MORGAN
...who has an excuse.
(to Joey)
Shaft, lose the glasses.
Joey reluctantly removes his shades to reveal severe damage. The
class snickers.
MR. MORGAN
(continuing)
Alright. Anyone brave enough to read theirs aloud?
No one moves. Then Kat slowly raises her hand.
KAT
I will.
Patrick looks up.
MR. MORGAN
(anticipating the worst)
Lord. Here we go.
Kat stands and walks to face the class. She clears her throat
before reading from her notebook.
KAT
I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick.
It even makes me rhyme.
She pauses, then continues.
KAT
(continuing)
I hate it...
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh;
Even worse when you make me cry.
She begins to cry as she continues to read.
KAT
(continuing)
I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call,
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you;
Not even close;
Not even a little bit;
Not even at all.
She looks directly at Patrick. He looks back this time, morose,
thoughtful.
Then she walks out of the room The rest of the class remains
in stunned silence.
EXT. PARKING LOT - AFTER SCHOOL
Students are leaving school. Kat walks to her car alone. When she
opens the door, she's greeted with the same Fender Stratocaster guitar
that Patrick saw her playing in the store before, reclining in the
front seat.
She picks it up slowly, inspecting every detail, as Patrick leans in
behind her.
PATRICK
Nice, huh?
KAT
A Fender Strat? Is this for me?
PATRICK
Yeah. I thought you could use it.
You know, when you start your band.
Besides, I had some extra cash, you know.
Some asshole paid me to take out a really
great girl.
KAT
(smiling)
Is that right?
PATRICK
Yeah, but I screwed up. I, um...
I fell for her.
He blushes and looks down.
KAT
Really?
PATRICK
It's not every day you find
a girl who'll flash someone to get you
out of detention.
Kat is surprised and embarrassed that he found out about the flashing.
KAT
Oh, god...
She laughs. He takes this as a sign to kiss her and he does.
She lets him this time, then breaks it off suddenly.
KAT
You can't just buy me a guitar every
time you screw up, you know.
He winces.
PATRICK
Yeah, I know. But then, you know, there’s always
drums and bass and maybe even one day a tambourine.
He gives her another kiss, which she breaks off again.
KAT
And don't just think you can...
He kisses her to shut her up, not letting her end it this time.
As the music plays, we pan out of the parking lot, across to the
school building, and up to where the band is playing on the roof.
The music plays, the credits roll.
THE END