This is Spinal Tap
Cast (in order of appearance)
Marty DiBergi Rob Reiner
Heavy Metal Fans Kimberly Stringer
Mick Shrimpton R.J. Parnell
Viv Savage David Kaff
Ian Faith Tony Hendra
David St. Hubbins Michael McKean
Nigel Tufnel Christopher Guest
Derek Smalls Harry Shearer
Tommy Pishedda Bruno Kirby
Ethereal Fan Jean Cromie
New York M.C. Patrick Maher
John "Stumpy" Pepys Ed Begley Jr.
Ronnie Pudding Danny Kortchmar
Bobbi Fleckman Fran Drescher
Sir Dennis Eaton-Hogg Patrick MacNee
Bartender Memo Vera
Mime Waitress Julie Payne
Mime Waiter Dana Carvey
Angelo DiMentibello Sandy Helberg
Angelo's Associate Robin Mendken
Rolling Stone Reporter Zane Buzby
Morty The Mime Billy Crystal
Limo Groupie Jennifer Child
Rack Jobber J.J. Barry
Southern Rock Promoter George McDaniel
Tucker "Smitty" Brown Paul Benedict
Reba Anne Churchill
Terry Ladd Howard Hessman
Duke Fame Paul Shortino
Fame Groupies Cherie Darr
Student Promoter Andrew J. Lederer
Eric "Stumpy Joe" Childs Russ Kunkel
"Jamboree Bop" Dancers Diana Duncan
Gina Marie Pitrello
Jeanine Pettibone June Chadwick
Cindy Vicki Blue
Belinda Joyce Hyser
Airport Security Officer Gloria Gifford
Artie Fufkin Paul Shaffer
Room Service Guy Archie Hahn
Disc 'n Dat Manager Charles Levin
Janitor Wonderful Smith
Polly Deutsch Anjelica Huston
Little Druids Chris Romano
Lt. Hookstratten Fred Willard
Joe "Mama" Besser Fred Asparagus
L.A. Party Guest Rodney Kemerer
Moke Robert Bauer
Marty: Hello. My name is Marty DeBergi. I'm a film maker. I
make a lot of commercials. That little dog that chases the
covered wagon underneath the sink? That was mine.
In 1966, I went down to Greenwich Village, New York City to a
rock club called the Electric Banana. Don't look for it, it's
not there anymore. But that night I heard a band that for me
redefined the word "rock and roll". I remember being knocked
out by their, their exuberance, their raw power -- and their
That band was Britain's now-legendary Spinal Tap. Seventeen
years and fifteen albums later, Spinal Tap is still going
strong, and they've earned a distinguished place in rock history
as one of England's loudest bands.
So in the late fall of 1982 when I heard that Tap was
releasing a new album called 'Smell the Glove,' and was
planning their first tour of the United States in almost 6 years
to promote that album, well needless to say I jumped at the
chance to make the documentary, the, if you will, rockumentary
that you're about to see. I wanted to capture the, the sights,
the sounds, the smells, of a hard-working rock band on the road.
And I got that. But I got more, a lot more. But hey -- enough
of my yakkin'. Whaddaya say, let's boogie!
Fan 1: Gives me a lot of energy, makes me happy.
Fan 2: Heavy metal's deep, you can get stuff out of it.
Fan 3: The way they dress, the leather.
David: Which one is this? Is this LaGuardia or is this-- ?
Ian: No, this is JFK. New York, New York.
David: Oh yes.
Roadie: Watch it now, watch it now.
Ethereal fan: It's like you become one with the guys in the band. I
mean there's...there's no division, you just...the music
just unites people...with the players.
New York M C: You want it right, direct from hell, Spinal Tap!
--- Spinal Tap performs 'Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight'---
David: We are Spinal Tap from the UK you must be the USA!
Marty: Let's...uh talk a little bit about the history of the group.
I understand Nigel you and David originally started the band
wuh...back in...when was it...back in 1964?
David: Well before that we were in different groups, I was in a
group called The Creatures and w-which was a skiffle group.
Nigel: I was in Lovely Lads.
Nigel: And then we looked at each other and says well we might as well
join up you know and uh....
David: So we became The Originals.
David: And we had to change our name actually....
Nigel: Well there was, there was another group in the east end called The
Originals and we had to rename ourselves.
David: The New Originals.
Nigel: The New Originals and then, uh, they became....
David: The Regulars, they changed their name back to The Regulars and
we thought well, we could go back to The Originals but
what's the point?
Nigel: We became The Thamesmen at that point.
--- The Thamesmen play Gimme Some Money ---
--- British TV: Pop, Look & Listen 1965 ---
Marty: Your first drummer was uh....
Nigel: The peeper....
David: Joe stumpy Pepys...great great...uh...tall blond geek...
with glasses uh...
Nigel: Uh.. good drummer.
David: Great look, good drummer.
Nigel: Good, good drummer....
David Fine drummer....
Marty: What happened to him?
David: He died, he, he died in a bizarre gardening accident some years back.
Nigel: It was really one of those things...it was...you know...the
authorities said...you know...well best leave it unsolved,
Marty: And he was replaced by...uh....
David: Stumpy Joe - Eric Stumpy Joe Childs.
Marty: What happened to Stumpy Joe?
Derek: Well, uh, it's not a very pleasant story...but, uh, he died...
uh...he choked on...the ac- the official explanation was he
choked on vomit.
David: He passed away.
Nigel: It was actually, was actually someone else's vomit. It's not....
David: It's ugly.
Nigel: You know. There's no real....
Derek: You know they can't prove whose vomit it was...they don't
have the facilities at Scotland Yard....
David: You can't print, there's no way to print a spectra-photograph...
Nigel: You can't really dust for vomit.
Ian: Here we go...Soho they call this place....
?: Oh, it's the band!
David: 'So' what?
Bobbi: How are you? Ian! Hi fellas, how you doing... Come over here.
I want you to meet everybody.
Derek: Who is that?
Bobbi: Viv, come over here...everybody.
Ian: Bobbi Flekman.
Derek: Who is it ....with the record company?
Bobbi: Yes, Bobbi Flekman - the hostess with the mostest. You
know, you know. Hi, handsome. How you doing? Alright, listen
I want you all to meet Sir Dennis Eton-Hogg, now he's the
head of Polymer.
Band: We know, we know.
David: Oh, she knows...
Bobbi: (To Nigel) You don't talk so much - just smile and look smart.
Dennis, come here...come here I want you to meet Spinal Tap,
our guests of honor.
Sir Dennis: How very nice to meet you!
Bobbi: Kids; this is Sir Dennis Eaton-Hogg...this is Nigel.
Nigel: Hello, Dennis.
Sir Dennis: Oh, so this is Nigel!
Nigel: Thanks a lot for letting us uh....
Bobbi: Let's go over here and we'll all take a picture together.
Where's Christine? Where's my photographer? Come over here
honey. What's your name? Christine? Ok, right over here...
Reporter: You guys look great. I mean you look fantastic. You would never
know that you are almost 40. I mean if I looked this good and
from the stage too it's amazing you know....
Morty the mime: I did the bird, do the dead bird...change this, get the dwarf
canoles the little ones....
Mime: I did the bird....
Morty the mime: C'mon, don't talk back huh...mime is money, let's go
come on; move it!
Sir Dennis: Now, we here at Polymer we're all looking forward
to a long and...and...and fruitful relationship with Spinal Tap.
We wish them great success on their North American tour and so
say all of us...Tap into America!
Limo driver: Excuse me...are you reading "Yes I Can"?
Limo groupie: Yeah, have you read it?
Limo driver: Yeah, by Sammy Davis Jr.?
Limo groupie: Yeah.
Limo driver : You know what the title of that book should be?
"Yes I Can if Frank Sinatra Says it's Okay". Cause Frank
calls the shots for all of those guys . Did you get to
the part yet where uh...Sammy is coming out of the Copa...
it's about 3:00 in the morning and uh...he sees Frank?
Frank's walking down Broadway by himself....
(Limo window raised by Nigel)
Limo driver: Fuckin' limeys.
Marty: Well you know, ah...they're not uh,...used to that world.
Limo driver: Yeah yeah.
Marty: You know Frank Sinatra it's a different world that
Limo driver: You know, it's just that people like this...you know...
they get all they want so they don't really understand,
you know...about a life like Frank's, I mean, you know
when you've loved and lost the way Frank has, then you uh
...you know what life's about.
Ian: The Times may even do something.
David: The New York Times?
Ian: Yeah, the New York Times.
David: The bump we've got to iron out here is when do we get the album
released. I mean it doesn't matter how good the press is or what
Ian: As I explained last night you know we're not gonna saturate
the New York market....now Philly now that's a real rock
and roll town.
David: Oh, Philly's great.
Ian: Be assured that the album will be available all throughout the
Philadelphia metropolitan area.
David: So you are hitting that market regardless of how we're selling
in New York?
Ian: We are doing, we certainly are doing, well, I'm doing everything
David: That's right. We are not blaming you, you know that we're not
Marty: But you don't feel these guys have an effect on an audience,
I mean, kids go to their concert they have a great time, uhh....
Limo driver: But it's...it's a passing thing...it's uh.... I mean I would
never tell them this but this is uh...this is a fad.
--- Spinal Tap plays Big Bottom---
--- at Fidelity Hall, Philadelphia ---
Marty: Let's talk about your reviews a little bit...regarding 'Intravenus
de Milo': "This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of
musical invention within. The musical growth rate of this band
cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of
retarded sexuality and bad poetry."
Nigel: That's, that's nit picking, isn't it?
Marty: 'The Gospel According to Spinal Tap': "This pretentious ponderous
collection of religious rock psalms is enough to prompt the
question: "What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap and couldn't
he have rested on that day too?" "
David: Never heard that one!
Derek: That's a good one, that's a good one!
Marty: The review you had on 'Shark Sandwich'...which was merely a two
word review - just said "shit sandwich." Umm....
Derek: Where'd they print that, where'd they print that?
David: Where did that appear?
Nigel: That's not real, is it?
Derek: You can't print that.
Derek: All those arguments about touring or not touring and all
that it's obvious we belong on tour, you know....
Ian: I couldn't agree more. All that stuff about you being too
old and you being too white but....
Derek: But what about the album, Ian?
David: Well that's the real problem there's no way to promote
something that doesn't exist, you know....
Ian: It's a very unimportant reason, it's just that they're experimenting
with, with some new uh...packaging materials. Let me get the door.
Derek: What kind of experimenting? What they got monkeys opening it or
Ian: Oh there's uhh...the other thing is that the uh...the Boston
gig has been cancelled.
Ian: Yeah. I wouldn't worry about it though, it's not a big college town.
Southern rock promoter: I heard you boys got an album coming out.
David: Yeah, it should be out now, it's called Smell the Glove...
Extra: Smell the Glove? It's a provocative title.
David: Wait till you see the cover, wait till you see the cover,
very provcative indeed.
Ian: Bobbi, Bobbi, can I tear you away from all of this?
Bobbi: Do you have a drink? Everything ok?
Ian: No, I don't, I don't really need one. But, listen, um...I really,
I really do have to talk to you a bit about this, uh....
Bobbi: Ian, come on, tell me whatever is on your mind....
Ian: ...this whole issue of the, uh...the issue of the cover.
Ian: ...uh, we feel, I mean, we feel and it seems to be facts
that, uh...the company is rather down on the cover.
Is that the case?
Ian: You can give it to me straight, you know.
Bobbi: Listen umm... they don't like the cover, they don't like the cover.
Ian: Uh huh, well that is certainly straight.
Bobbi: They find it very offensive and very sexist.
Ian: Well what exactly...do you find offensive, I mean, what's offensive?
Bobbi: Ian, you put a greased naked woman...
Bobbi: ..on all fours...
Bobbi: ...with a dog collar around her neck...
Ian: ...with a dog collar...
Bobbi: ...and a leash...
Ian: ...and a leash...
Bobbi: ...and a man's arm extended out up to here holding on to the leash
and pushing a black glove in her face to sniff it. You don't find
that offensive, you don't find that sexist?
Ian: No I don't, this is 1982, Bobbi, come on.
Bobbi: That's right it's 1982 get out of the 60's we don't have this
mentality any more.
Ian: Well you shoulda seen the cover they wanted to do. It wasn't a glove
Bobbi: I don't care what they wanted to do, now see this is something Ian
that you are going to have to talk to your boys about.
Ian: We're certainly not laying down any conditions...
Bobbi: And I don't think that a sexy cover is the answer for why an album
sells or doesn't sell becuase you tell me...the "White Album",
what was that? There was nothing on that goddamn cover. Excuse me,
the phone's ringing. Ian we'll talk about this after.
Ian: Okay, bye bye.
Bobbi: Hello. Oh, hi Dennis. Uh oh, okay. Why don't you tell him?
Okay, hold on one minute. Ian? It's Eaton-Hogg, he wants to talk
Ian: Okay. Thank you darling.
Bobbi: You're welcome.....dear.
Ian: Hello Sir Dennis. Hi, how are you?
(out of phone) Oh, fucking old poofdah! (into phone) But it's
really not that offensive Sir Dennis come on. Okay. I'll call
you absolutely first thing in the morning. (slam phone) Ah, shit.
They are not gonna release the album...because they have decided that
the cover is sexist.
Nigel: Well so what? What's wrong with being sexy? I mean there's no....
David: -ist, not sexy.
Bobbi: Okay, listen I wanted to tell you this and and...I was holding back
because I didn't know what Dennis' decision was going to be...
but at this point both Sears and K-Mart stores have refused to
handle the album. They're boycotting the album only because of
the cover. If the first album had been a hit....
Ian: If the company is behind the album it can shove it right down
Bobbi: Money talks and bullshit walks and if the first album was a hit
then we could have pressed on them then we could have told them yes...
Ian: The music....every cut on this album is a hit.
Bobbi: Let's...I don't give a shit what the album's....
Nigel: It's a matter of compromise, we made a joke, and it was a long time
ago, they're making it like a big deal.
David: That's true. You know, if we were serious and we said "yes she
should be forced to sniff...smell the glove" then you'd have a
point you know but it's all a joke, isn't it, we're making fun
of that sort of thing.
Nigel: It is and it isn't, she should be made to smell it, but...
David: But not you know over and over again.
Bobbi: You know, we can probably work something out. I'll talk to Dennis
and maybe we can come up with a compromise. A new design concept
that we can all live with.
Marty: You guys were school mates
Nigel: We don't...we, we, we're not not university material
David: What's that on your finger?
Nigel: That's my gum!
David: What's it doing on your finger?
Nigel: I might need it later.
David: Put it on the table, that's terrible.
Nigel: Well...I might forget it on the table.
David: You can't take him anywhere.
Marty: How old were you guys when you met?
David: Eight years old. Eight or nine.
Nigel: You were eight and I was seven.
David: That's right, yeah.
Marty: Do you remember the first song that you guys ever wrote together?
David: All the Way Home, probably.
Marty: All the Way Home?
Marty: Can you remember a little bit of it? I'd love to hear it.
David: Christ. Some black coffee maybe we could do it.
Nigel: How's it go?
Nigel and David: I'm standing out beside the railroad track...and I'm
waiting for that train to bring you back....if, if, if,
if, if she's not on the the 5:19 then I'm gonna know
what sorrow means.....and I'm gonna cry cry cry all the
way home....all the way home....all the way home.....
David: Cry, cry, cry all the way home.....fairly simple.....there's about
six words in the whole song, you know. Just repeat them over and
Marty: Let's talk about your music today...uh...one thing that puzzles me
...um...is the make up of your audience seems to be ...uh...
predominately young boys.
David: Well it's a sexual thing, really isn't it. Aside from the
identifying the boys do with us there's also a re-reaction to the
female.....of the female to our music. How did you put it?
Nigel: Really they're quite fearful - that's my theory. They see us on
stage with tight trousers we've got, you know, armadillos in our
trousers, I mean it's really quite frightening...
Nigel: ...the size...and and they, they run screaming.
--- Spinal Tap performs Hell Hole ---
--- Chapel Hill, North Carolina ---
Nigel: Ian, can I have a word with you for a minute?
Ian: Yes, of course.
Nigel: ...uh, a couple of problems with the...
Nigel: ...arrangments backstage...
Ian: What exactly?
Nigel: Well, uh..
Ian: What, I mean...
Nigel: Well, no, there's some problems here, I don't even know where
to start, alright? This, uh..
Ian: Soundcheck? Whats, whats, whats wrong?
Nigel: No, no, no, no this....look, look, look, there's a little problem
with the... look this, this miniature bread. It's like...
I've been working with this now for about half an hour.
I can't figure out... let's say I want a bite, right, you've
Ian: You'd like bigger bread?
Nigel: Exactly! I don't understand how...
Ian: You could fold this though.
Nigel: Well, no then it's half the size.
Ian: Not the bread, you could fold the meat.
Nigel: Yeah, but then it, then it breaks up, breaks apart like this.
Ian: No, no, no, you put it on the bread like this, you see
Nigel: But then, if you keep folding it, it keeps breaking...
Ian: Why do you keep folding it?
Nigel: And then you...everyhing has to be folded, and then it's this,
and I don't want this I want large bread so that I can put
Nigel: ...so then it's like this, this does not work because
Ian: 'cause it hangs out like that?
Nigel: Would you been holding this?
Ian: No, I don't want to eat...I wouldn't want to put that in my mouth, no
you're right, Nigel, you're right...
Nigel: No, alright 'A', exhibit 'A', now we move on to this, look, look
who's in here? No one! And then in here there's a little guy, look!
So it's, it's a complete catastrophe.
Ian: You're right, Nigel, Nigel calm down, calm down.
Nigel: Calm d...good, no it's not a big deal, it's a joke, it's really,
Ian: I'm sorry, it's just some crappy univeristy, you know
Nigel: I know, Yeah, right, it's a joke, it's all a j-
Ian: Really, I don't want it to affect your performance.
Nigel: It's not gonna affect my performance, don't worry about it, alright,
just hate it, it's really...
Ian: It won't happen again.
Nigel: It does disturb me.
Ian: It's disgusting.
Nigel: But I'll rise above it, I'm a professional, right?
--- Spinal Tap Perfoms Hell Hole ---
Marty: Do you play all...I mean do you actually play all these or...?
Nigel: Well, I play them and I cherish them.
Nigel: This is the top of the heap right here. There's no question about
it. Look at the, look at the flame on that one....
Nigel: I mean it's just...it's quite unbelievable. This o- this one
is just ah...is perfect...1959...ah...you know, it just, you can
Marty: How much does this....
Nigel: Just listen for a minute....
Marty: I'm not....
Nigel: The sustain...listen to it...
Marty: I'm not hearing anything.
Nigel: You would, though, if it were playing, because it really... it's
famous for its sustain...I mean, you could, just hold it....
Marty: Well I mean so you don't....
Nigel: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa.... You could go and have a bite
an'...aaaaaaaaa...you'd still be hearin' that one.
Could you hold this a sec'?
Nigel: This one...this 'course is a custom three-pickup-'Paul. This is my
Marty: Oh, I see....
Nigel: So I strap this...this piece on, you know, right down in here when
I'm on stage and....
Marty: It's a wireless.
Nigel: Wireless, exactly. And...uh I can play without all the mucky-muck.
Marty: You can run anywhere on stage with that.
Nigel: Exactly. Now this is special, too, it's a...look...see...still got
the uh...the ol' tagger on it...see...never even played it ...see...
Marty: You just bought it and....
Nigel: Don't touch it! Don't touch it! No one...no one...no! Don't
Marty: Well uh I wasn't...uh I wasn't gonna touch it...I was just pointing
Nigel: Well don't point, even.
Marty: Don't even point?
Nigel: No. It can't be played...never...I mean I....
Marty: Can I look at it?
Nigel: No. No you've seen enough of that one.
Marty: Don't look at it.
Nigel: This is a top to a, you know, what we use on stage, but it's
very...very special because if you can see...
Nigel: ...the numbers all go to eleven. Look...right across the board.
Marty: Ahh...oh, I see....
Marty: ...and most of these amps go up to ten....
Marty: Does that mean it's...louder? Is it any louder?
Nigel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see,
most...most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten
here...all the way up...all the way up....
Nigel: ...all the way up. You're on ten on your guitar...where can you go
from there? Where?
Marty: I don't know....
Nigel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is if we need that extra...push over
the cliff...you know what we do?
Marty: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top...
number...and make that a little louder?
Nigel: ...these go to eleven.
Smitty: Are you uh - are you Spinal Tap?
Ian: Spinal Tap -- this is Spinal Tap.
?: Tap -- Tap -- Tap -- Tap -- Tap.
Smitty: Welcome to Memphis, gentlemen. We have a slight problem with your
reservation. Nothing serious, I'm afraid.
Ian: How slight?
Smitty: You wanted seven, uh, suites.
Ian: Seven. Seven suites.
Smitty: Yes w-we-he mistakenly put you on the seventh floor with one
Ian: That's considerably more than minor.
Smitty: Well, it's a good-sized room, sir. It's a, it's a 'King Leisure'.
We can get you a - something-
Ian: How are we going to get fourteen people in a 'King Leisure' bed?!
Smitty: Oh-ho-ho don't - don't tempt me, sir.
David: Have a good time, will you -- we'll be right here.
Ian: I will, I'll take care of it.
Smitty: Welcome, gentlemen - and very attractive they are, too.
Ian: Hey! Hey! Listen to me: We want these suites, and we want them
now! OK? These people are tired, we have soundcheck in an hour.
Smitty: Yes, sir. We can't help you out - Reba - perhaps you can help
Reba: What's the problem, sir?
Smitty: Can you give me a hand, please?
Ian: Yes. I'll tell you what you can do. OK? This - twisted old
fruit here - tells me that you have fucked up my reservations.
Smitty: I'm just as God made me, sir.
David: What's the difference between golf and miniature golf?
Derek: I think it's-uh...
Mick: The walls.
Derek: ?The holes are smaller
(Crazed female fans shriek.)
David: Uh-oh- look out, here they come....
Derek: Hold your breath.
Fan : Duke! Duke! Can I have your autograph?
Nigel: It's Duke.
David: Duke! Duke!
Terry: Get your hands back.
David: It's OK, we know'm, it's Spinal Tap.
David: David St Hubbins, Spinal Tap; Derek Smalls, Spinal
Terry: Look, we gotta get going here.
David: Listen, uh...uh...where you playing in town? You you playin' here?
Terry: We're doin' the...uh...Enormodome whatever it is. It's terrific,
it's a good house. We sold it out.
David: Oh yeah big place outside of town.
Terry: Very nice.
David: That's a big place. You sold it out?! What's that, twenty-
Terry: We really should run, you know...
Ian: Good heavens. How are you, laddy?! Great to see you, Ter! Terrific
to see you.
Ian: Ian. Ian.
Terry: Ian. Yeah, listen, we'd love to stand around and chat, but we've
gotta...sit down in the lobby and wait for the limo.
David: OK. Great. Duke, great to see you. Great to see you again, Terry.
Derek: We'll catch up with you on the road.
David: Duke! Great to see you. See ya. See you, Duke. Good days. Good days.
David: Fuckin' wanker.
Nigel: What a wanker.
David: What a wanker.
Derek: Total no talent sod.
Nigel: He's got this much talent -- this much if he's lucky.
David: We carried him. We had to apologize for him with our set.
Derek: That's right.
Mick: That's right, yeah.
David: People were still booin' 'im when we were on tour. It's all hype.
It's all hype. It's all bought.
Ian: Yep. We got our rooms, big fat suites.
David: Lemme ask you something - lemme ask you something
David: Have you seen Duke Fame's current album?
Ian: Um... yes, yes.
David: Have you seen the cover?
Ian: Um... no, no, I don't think I have.
David: It's a rather lurid cover, I mean...ah, it's, it's like naked
women, and, uh....
Nigel: He's tied down to this table,
Nigel: And he's got these whips and they're all...semi-nude.
David: Knockin' on 'im and it's like much worse...
Ian: What's the point?
David: Well the point is it's much worse than 'Smell the Glove'...he
releases that he's number three.
Ian: Because he's the victim. Their objections were that she was the
victim. You see?
Derek: I see....
Ian: That's alright, if the singer's the victim, it's different. It's
Nigel: He did a twist on it. A twist and it s-
Derek: He did, he did. He turned it around.
Ian: We shoulda thought of that....
David: We were so close....
Ian: I mean if we had all you guys tied up, that probably woulda been
Ian: But it's...it's still a stupid cover.
David: It's such a fine line between stupid an'...
Derek: ...and clever.
David: Yeah, and clever.
Nigel: Just that little turnabout....
Ian: I have a small piece of bad news. Although it may not be that bad.
Mick: For a change, you mean?
Ian: We're-uh. We're cancelled here.
Derek: At the hotel?
Ian: No, we're cancelled - the gig is cancelled....
Ian: Uh...it says "Memphis show cancelled due to lack of advertising
Marty: The last time Tap toured America, they where, uh, booked into
10,000 seat arenas, and 15,000 seat venues, and it seems that now,
on their current tour they're being booked into 1,200 seat
arenas, 1,500 seat arenas, and uh I was just wondering,
does this mean uh...the popularity of the group is waning?
Ian: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no...no, no, not at all. I, I, I just think
that the.. uh.. their appeal is becoming more selective.
Marty: Yeah. Now, I notice this here, you've got this cricket bat here...
Marty: Do you play?
Ian: No, I carry this partly of, uh, I don't know some sort of, uh, I
suppose what's the word...uh....
Ian: Yes, I mean it's, it's, a it's a kind of totemestic thing you know,
but to be quite frank with you, it's come in usefull in a
couple of situations. Certainly in the topsy, turvy world of
heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is
David: I miss you too, darling...uhm, not too well, actually...well, we've
got some cancellations, that's all, we got to Memphis, and there is no
gig in Memphis and we found out that this, this promotor in the
Mid-West uhh has pulled out St. Louis, and Kansas City, and uh...oh
Des Moines...I don't know, it's in Indiana or something...
I thought...oh don't tease me, that's not until April, great!
We'll do it, oh good, oh, fucking great...Milwaukee...Milwaukee,
Wisconsin...I've no idea, you might have to take the plane to
New York, and then get, and then go to, uh, to Milwaukee from there
...oh, good I love you too...okay, bye...
Ah, well, my problems are solved, mate!
Nigel: Who's that?
David: Jeanine, she's going to come meet us. She was supposed to do this
this uh window layout for Neil Kite's Boutique, but it's not until
Nigel: Is she coming to drop some stuff off, you know, and then...
Nigel: ...and then go back?
David: No, she's coming on her own, she's going to travel with us, gonna
go on the road with us.
Derek?:Turn it up, turn it up!
David: She says she can hear that I'm eating too much sugar on the phone,
she says my larynx is fat.
Derek: You uh might want to come next door, the radio is playing a bit of
David: Ohooow.....I don't believe it!
?: Listen to this.
?: Sounds good.
DJ: Oh, yeah, going all the way back to 1965 that one....
DJ: Don't it feel good, with The Thamsmen and "Cups and Cakes"...
Derek: You're an oldie...you're an oldie!
DJ: The Thamesmen later changed their names to Spinal Tap they had a
?couple of B-side hits they are currently residing in the "where are
they now" file. Johnny Q with you on Golden 106 and right after we...
Derek: Rock you!
David: I'm not really sure this was such a great idea, I mean I don't feel
any better than I did at the hotel.
Derek: He was going to do a TV special from here, before he died.
David: Yeah, that's right, the musical version of "Somebody Up There Likes
Me"...(Sung:)Well since my baby left me, I found a new place to
dwell... well, it's down at the end of Lonely Street, at
Nigel: Do it, do it with the harmony parts.
David + Nigel: Well since my baby left...
David: The same key, though, I think.
David: + Nigel: Well since my baby left me...
Nigel: If I'm going: Well since my baby left me, meeee
David: No, you can't hit that note!
Derek + David: + Nigel: mmmmm...Well since my baby left me,
well, I found a new place to dwell...
Nigel: That's alright.
Derek: Not really, not really...voice down...
David: Well it sounds raga, don't want to go raga on this stuff...
Nigel No, not with this you don't, Well since my baby left me, I found a
new place to dwell...
David: It sounds...fuckin barbershop...
David: Barbershop raga.
Derek: Hey, watch the, watch the language, you're ?paying homage to the
David: Oh sorry...well this is thoroughly depressing.
Nigel: It really puts perspective on things, though, doesn't it?
David: Too much, there's too much fucking perspective now.
Marty: In 1967, uh, you... that was the first time Spinal Tap
came into existence?
Derek: Well, the whole world was changing in those days.
David: And, and we also has the world's ear
Derek We were changing the world.
David: Because we've just released an enormous selling single:
"Listen to the Flower People".
Nigel: Flower People!
David: We toured the world, we toured the States...
Derek: We toured the world and elsewhere.
David: It was, it was a dream come true.
--- Spinal Tap performs "(Listen to the) Flower People" ---
--- JAMBOREE BOP American-TV 1967 ---
Marty: Now, during the Flower People period, who was your drummer?
David: Stumpy's replacement, Peter James Bond, he also died in
mysterious circumstances...we were playing a...
David: Jazz-blues festival, where was that?
Nigel: Blues-jazz really.
Derek: Blues-jazz festival...
Nigel: It was in the Isle of, it was in the Isle of....
Nigel + Derek: Isle of Lucy.
Derek: Isle of Lucy.
Nigel: Isle of Lucy.
David: Isle of Lucy...jazz-blues festival...
Nigel: And....it was tragic really...he exploded on stage.
Derek: Just like that...he just went up...
Nigel: He just was like a flash of green light...and that was it,
nothing was left...
David: Look at his face .... it's true, this really did happen.
Nigel: Well, there was a little green globule on his drum seat.
David: Like a stain, really.
Nigel: It was a small stain, a globule, actually, and...
David: You know several...you know dozens of people spontaneously
combust each year, it's just not really widely reported.
Nigel: Hello, hello, hello, hello
David: Testin',test, test, test, test "This is mike munber one, this is
mike number one, isn't this a lot of fun?" okay, got the mikes...
Nigel: Two, two, let's do G. S. M, alright...G. S. M.
--- Spinal Tap plays G. S. M., (Gimmie Some Money) ---
Jeanine: Hello, darling, hellooo, got a surprise for you.
David: Hey! Where'd you come from?
Jeanine: Where do you think I came from? Bloody airplane, didn't I? Right?
Jeanine: ...feels good, oh I've been wanting to do that for the longest time.
David: ...carry you about with me...
Jeanine: What's...tell me...
David: Wh...that's the film crew I told you about, this, this is the film
Jeanine: Hi, martin...
David: This is Jeanine.
Ian: Here it is!
Derek: Visitor's Day. isn't it?
Ian: Here it is, lads! "Smell The Glove"...gather round..
Where's David?... David, David, get up here!
?: Come on Ian, you're kidding..
Derek: David, "Smell The Glove" is here. Hello, Jeanine.
Ian: The moment we've all been waiting for...Here we go, plenty for
everybody...here you are.
David: I never thought I'd see...I never thought I'd live to see the day.
Ian: What do you think?
Derek: Is this the test pressing?
Ian: No, this is it, yes, that's right...
David: This is "Smell The Glove" by Spinal Tap....
Ian: That's "Smell The Glove" that's, that's the jacket cover, it's
going out across the country in every store.
David: This is the compromise we made...this is the compromise you made?
Derek: Is it going to say anything here, or here along the spine?
David: It's not going to say anything?
Ian: No, it's not going to say anything.
Nigel: It's going to be like this, all black...
Ian: No, it's going to be that simple, beautiful, classic!
?: Does look a little bit like, you know, black leather...
Derek: You can see yourself in... both sides.
David: I feel so bad, I feel so bad about this...
Nigel: It's like a black mirror.
David: Well, I think it looks like death...it looks like mourning. I mean it looks...
Ian: David, David, every, every movie, in every cinema is about death;
Nigel: I think he's right, there is something about this, that's that's
so black, it's like; "How much more black could this be?"
and the answer is: "None, none... more black."
David: I think, like you've, like rationalizing this whole thing like
into something you did on on purpose. I think we're stuck with a
very, very stupid and a very, and a very dismal looking album,
this is depressing.
David: This is something you wear around your arm, you don't put this on
your fucking turntable.
Nigel: David, it's a choice.
Ian: I frankly think that this is the turning point, okay? I think,
I think this is...we're on our way now.
Nigel: I agree, I agree...
Ian: It's time, time to kick arse!
--- Spinal Tap performs "Rock And Roll Creation" ---
Marty: Given the history of Spinal Tap drummers, uh, in the past,
do you have any fears, uh, for your life?
Mick: When I did join, you know, they did tell me, they kind of took me
aside and said "Well, Mick, ah, you know it's like this" and it
did kind if freak me out a bit, but it can't always happen to every,
Marty: Right...right, the law of averages says...
Mick: The law of averages...
Marty: ...says that you will survive.
Viv: Ohh, quite exiting, quite exiting this computer magic, wheeeee...
Ian: How many uh planets have you destoyed, Viv?
Viv: Well, four or five, fifth time around I think...really five galaxies
gone, you know....
Derek: This is Cindy's first moustache.
Ian: Is it?
David: Can I take it off now?
Jeanine: Why? Too hot in here?
David: No, it's...it's, I thought I might go back to see what they're
up to back there you know, I don't think they really need to see
this until you've finished with it, you know...
Jeanine: Well, you were reading, you can, you can read here...
David: Yeah, but...they, they've got a game back there, thought I mabye
I have a look at the new game, it's like a submarine thing.
Jeanine: You've got, you've got all stuff on you again.
David: Before I met Jeanine, my life was cosmically in shambles,
it was ah...I was using bits and pieces of whatever Eastern
philosophies happened to drift through my transom and she
sort of sorted it out for me, straightened it out for me,
gave me a path, you know, a path to follow.
Marty: I wonder if you have as much influence over his musical expression?
Jeanine: Oh, yeah, I mean listen to him when he's experimenting, and
things like that, don't I? He's, he plays things to me,
sometimes when he's worked up, and he's got a new bit he
wants to tell me about, you know, and I say "Yeah,that's good", or
"that's bad", or "that's shit" or whatever, you know.
David: Yes, she is very honest, she is brutally frank.
Marty: Well, how does that go over with the other band members? I mean,you
David: Well, what happens is that she gives me the brutally frank version
and I sort of tart it up for them.
David: Of course, you know, it's so strange because Nigel and Jeanine are
so similar in so many ways, but they just can't, they don't
dislike each other at all...
David: There's great love between the two of them...
Jeanine: Oh, yes....
David: But, they just, there's some sort of communication that's just not,
just blocked or something...
Marty: It's pretty.
Nigel: Yeah, I like it, just been fooling about with it for a few months now,
Marty: It's a, it's a bit of a departure from the kind of thing you normally
Nigel: Yeah, it's part of a...trilogy really, a musical trilogy I'm doing...
in... D minor, which I always find is really the saddest of all keys
really. I don't know why, but it makes people weep instantly,
you play a..baaaaa...baaaaaa.... it's the horn part.
Marty: It's very pretty.
Nigel: ...baaaa, baaaaa, yeah, just simple lines intertwining, you know
very much like, I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, It's sort
of in between those, really, it's like a Mach piece really, it's...
Marty: What do you call this?
Nigel: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump".
ASO: Excuse me, sir, do you have any metal objects in your pockets?
ASO: Take them out and put them in the bucket.
Derek: Coins, keys, tuning fork. Musician, I have to stay in tune, you
know, be a moment.
David: One more
ASO: Ok, would you take this jacket off please?
Derek: Oh, it's the zipper...settin off the machine.
David: Let's go then, let's go hurry up.
ASO: Step over here, please.....raise your arms....do you have any
artificial plates or limbs?
Derek: Not really, no....
ASO: Uh...would you umm......
David: Do it.
Nigel: Do it.
--- Spinal Tap plays Heavy Duty ---
Artie: Hi, Artie Fufkin.
Viv: Hey, Artie...
Artie: Polymer Records, how are you, hey, how ya doin' you are....Derek?
Derek: Derek, Yeah.
Artie: Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records, how are you, I'm your promo man here
Nigel: Wow, that's great.
Artie: I love you guys, and...
Artie: And of course, Nigel.
Artie: I love you, Nigel Tufnel.
Artie: I love your stuff, I go back with you guys....Artie Fufkin, Polymer
Nigel: Right, yeah.
Artie: And who are you, darlin'?
Derek: Oh, this is my special new friend, Cindy.
Artie: Hello, Cindy.
Nigel: And this is Belinda.
Artie: Hello, Belinda...
Belinda: Nice to meet you.
Artie: Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records, promo....and I'm...
oh...what's going on here...
Derek: They're making a...
Artie: ...hi, hi guys, Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records, nice to see you, and
where is David?... David, hi, Artie Fufkin, how are you?
David: It's nice to see you..
Artie: We've got something exiting happening tomorrow....
Mick: The Food! The Food!...Ahhhhh...owwww...ohhhh
?: The food!
RSG: Oh, thank god, civilization! Where do I put this?
Artie: What are you doing to me here?
RO: I'm not doing anything.
Artie: I thought we had a relationship here ... I don't know what happened?
RO: Business is terrible, Artie, what can I tell you... this is the truth.
Artie: I know business is terrible, but what happens with the with the
record store with the promotion, and no one shows up!
RO: This isn't a personal thing Artie, nobody's coming in the store
Artie: Forget personal thing. We had a relationship here, forget about
personal, what about a relationship?... I feel like a shlub, I don't
know what's happening, It's me, that's what happening.
It's me, I did it, it's my fault.
Nigel: We were told massive radio support.
Artie: We did! We did massive.
Nigel: Vast...they said vast radio support.
Artie: We did massive, we saturated, we over saturated. That's what it is,
It's me, I did it, I fucked up, I fucked up the timing, that's all,
I fucked up the timing, I've got no timing, I've got no timing,
I've got NO timing. You know what I want you to do?
Will you do something for me?
Artie: Do me a favor, just kick my ass, okay? Kick this ass for a man,
that's all, kick my ass, enjoy! C'mon, I'm not asking, I'm telling
with this, kick my ass!
Derek: Well we've kept 'em waiting long enough. Let's do it to them.
Nigel: Let's go Mr. Shrimpton!
Derek: Let's rock'n roll!
Crowd: C'mon. Let's hear some rock'n roll!
Derek: Rock 'n roll!!!
Nigel: Let's go then!!!
Viv: Yeah. Yeah mate!!!
Derek: Going to be a hot one isn't it?
Nigel: It's going to be a great show.
Derek: No it's not an exit. Not an exit.
David: We don't want an exit.
Derek: No, that's true.
David: Try this way.
Derek: I hope so. This way.
David: Wait, this looks familiar, though...it really does.
Crowd: Tap! Tap! Tap...
Derek: Let's not lose it though! Let's not lose it...Where the fuck is
Ian? You know he should be here.
Crowd: Tap! Tap! Tap....
Derek: We got to get to it someway. We've been on stage right?
David: We're in the group. We're in the group that's playing tonight.
Janitor: You go right straight through this door here, down the hall....
Janitor: ...turn right...
Janitor: ...and then there's a little jog there, about thirty feet...
Derek: A jog?
Janitor: ...jog to the left...
David: A jog?
Derek: We don't have time for that.
Janitor: ...go straight ahead...
David: We trust you. We trust you.
Janitor: ...go straight ahead, go straight ahead, turn right the next two
corners, and the first door the sign "Authorized Personnel Only"...
Janitor: Open that door, that's the stage!
David: You think so?
Janitor: You're authorized. You're musicians aren't you?
David: We've got guitars yeah.
Janitor: It's on the...
David: Alright! Thank you. Thank you very much. Rock 'n roll!!!
Rock and roll!!!
Viv: Let's get it! Let's get it!
David: This way?
Derek: No, this way.
David: I see, this way.
Derek: Straight through. Rock 'n roll! Hello Cleveland! Hello Cleveland!!!
Nigel: Let's go!
Janitor: You must've made a wrong turn.
Derek: We gotta go another way.
David: Other way. Other way. Other way.
Derek: Other way. Other way.
David: I hate to keep harping on this, but I think that the notion of a
black album has really cursed us, in a way.
Ian: Believe me, we're getting some very substantial reports of airplay.
I don't think we have to worry about that.
Jeanine: You know, it might have been better if the, uh, album had been
David: Well I suppose you could cry about that, of course it's true.
I mean it's true.
Jeanine: It wasn't...it was mixed all wrong, wasn't it?
Nigel: It was mixed wrong?
Nigel: Were you there?
Jeanine: ...you couldn't hear the...
Nigel: How do you know it was mixed wrong?
David: But she's...she's heard the...she's heard the record.
Jeanine: No, but I've heard the album.
Nigel: So you're judgement is that it was mixed wrong.
Jeanine: You couldn't hear the lyrics all over it.
David: You don't agree that you can't hear the vocals?
Nigel: No, I don't. I do not agree. No.
David: Well I think maybe....
Nigel: It's interesting that she's bringing it up.
David: Well she'd like to hear the vocals.
Nigel: I mean it's like it's me saying, you know, you're using the wrong
conditioner for your hair.
David: Don't be stupid.
Jeanine: You don't, you don't do heavy metal in doubly, you know, I Mean...it's
Nigel: In what??? In what???
Jeanine: In doubly...
Nigel: In dublin!?! What's that?
David: She means Dolby, alright? She means Dolby, you know? You know
perfectly well what she means.
Nigel: ...ha ha...
David: We shan't recover from this one. We shan't recover from this one.
Ian: Oh, come on.
David: Can I have...can I have the floor for just one moment because
I've got, you know, something I'd like to show you. These, uh,
Jeanine's been working on these very hard. These are a
Jeanine: Got a new idea for a new presentation.
David: ...a stage look...for the band fashioned after...
Jeanine: The signs of the zodiac.
David: ...the signs of the zodiac.
Jeanine: We needed a new presentation.
David: This is a look for Viv; he's a Libra. There's sort of the
Jeanine: ...ying and the yang...
David: ...sort of look, this is Nigel. He's...he's uh... Capricorn.
Sort of a goat look.
Jeanine: I've given you a little bib.
Nigel: Is this a joke?
David: ...this is the...
Nigel: Excuse me, is this a joke?
Jeanine: A joke???
David: Just bear with us for one moment please. This...I love this. I
wish I were...
David: This is your crab face. Give me a chance! Give it a chance.
Ian: David. David. David. Wait, please, wait a minute. Have you any idea
what it will costs to dress up the band as animals?
Jeanine: Oh, it don't cost nothing. It really doesn't.
David: They're not animals, they're signs of the zodiac.
Ian: They're animals.
David: It's a way to fight the drabs. You know we've got the drabs.
Nigel: Well that's true. I think mine would look good - better in doubly.
If it was done in doubly....
Jeanine: Oh shut up!!!
David: I knew it wouldn't be easy. I'm quite open minded enough....
Derek: David. No, no, David, there are solutions to all problems. I
think we know what they are.
David: I've yet to hear them. I've yet to hear them....
Derek: We can take the rational approach; we can say....
Nigel: May I make a suggestion? May I make a suggestion? I've got one
David: Well let's hear yours. Let's hear your suggestion.
Nigel: Stonehenge! Stonehenge. It's the best production value we've
ever had on stage.
David: But we haven't got the equipment. We haven't got the equipment,
we haven't got Stonehenge, we haven't...
Nigel: Not yet we don't. Let's start...
David: We haven't got...
Nigel: Please, please just a moment. Musically, musically we all know it.
Ian: We know it works...I don't think it's a bad idea.
Nigel: Musically we all know it. Right? No problems musically. We go
right on stage. And it's quite simple. This is you know...Ian can
take care of this...
David: I know what the Stonehenge monument looks like. We don't have
that piece of scenery anymore.
Nigel: I know, so we build a new one. And this is it, look!
Ian: Consider...consider it done.
David: So you're just going to take care of it like that. You're going
to find someone to design it...using that as a plan?
Ian: Let's try. Let's try.
David: If you can do it, I'll do the number.
Marty: Do you feel that in collaboration with David, that you are...
afforded the opportunity to express yourself musically the way
you would like to?
Nigel: Well, I think I do you know in my solos. My solos are my trademark.
Ian: This looks actually perfect. I mean it's, uh, the right
proportions. It'll be this color right?
Artist: Yeah. Yeah.
Ian: Yeah. That's...that's...that's just terrific. It almost looks
like the real thing.
Artist: Well good.
Ian: When we get the actual, uh, set, when we get the piece,
it'll...it'll follow exactly these specifications. I mean even
these contours and everything?
Artist: Um, I'm not understanding it. What do you mean "the actual piece?"
Ian: Well I mean...I mean when you build the actual piece.
Artist: But this is what you asked for, isn't it?
Artist: Well this is the piece.
Ian: This is the piece?
Ian: Are you telling me that this is it? This is scenery? Have you
ever been to Stonehenge?
Artist: No, I haven't been to Stonehenge.
Ian: The triptychs are...the triptychs are twenty feet high.
You can stand four men up them!
Artist: Ian, I was...I was...I was supposed to build it eighteen inches high.
Ian: This is insane. This isn't a piece of scenery.
Artist: Look, look. Look, this is what I was asked to build. Eighteen
inches. Right here, it specified eighteen inches. I was given this
napkin, I mean...
Ian: Forget this! Fuck the napkin!!!
--- Spinal Tap performs Stonehenge ---
David: I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was
down. I think that the problem may have been...that there was a
Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being
crushed by a dwarf. Alright? That tended to understate
the hugeness of the object.
Ian: I really think you're just making a much too big thing out of it.
Derek: Making a big thing out of it would've been a good idea.
Ian: Nigel gave me a drawing that said eighteen inches. Alright?
David: I know he did, and that's what I'm talking about.
Ian: Now, whether he knows the difference between feet and inches is not
my problem. I do what I'm told.
David: But you're not as confused as him are you? I mean it's not your
job to be as confused as Nigel is.
Ian: It's my job to do what I'm asked to do by the creative element of
this band. And that's what I did. C'mon...
Jeanine: The audience were laughing.
Ian: So it became a comedy number.
David: Yes it did! Yes it fucking well did, and it was not pleasant to
be part of the comedy on stage. Backstage, perhaps, it was very
Derek: Maybe we just fix the choreography. Keep the dwarf clear.
David: What do you mean?
Derek: So they won't trod upon it.
David: I don't think that's the issue. I think it's symptomatic that
maybe you're taking on more than you can...uh...uh...uh...handle.
Jeanine: It's not exactly the first time you've messed things up is it?
David: I mean there's been some, uh, gaping holes in the business end.
If this...if this, uh...
Ian: "Not the first time"...just a minute. Excuse me. This is a band
meeting. Right? Are you here for some reason?
David: Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. She's, she's with me.
Ian: No, but is she now in the band. Is she singing backup or
Jeanine: I care what happens to the band.
David: She's with me alright?
Ian: David, whenever a single bump or a ruffle comes into this little
fantasy, adolescent fantasy world that you guys, you guys have
built around yourselves...
David: Hey don't knock at me. Don't knock at me.
Ian: ...you start screaming like a bunch of pansy hairdressers.
I mean it's just a problem you know. It get's solved...
Jeanine: It doesn't.
Ian: ...you can't...you can't live in a bubble.
Jeanine: If it got solved, that would be alright, but it doesn't get
solved. I mean what do you think happend out there? What got
Ian: For one thing that goes wrong...one...one single thing that
goes wrong, a hundred things go right. Do you know what I spend
my time doing? I sleep two or three hours a night. There's no sex
and drugs for Ian, David. Do you know what I do? I find lost
luggage. I locate mandolin strings in the middle of Austin!
David: Yes. We've seen you. We've seen you do that.
Ian: You know? I prise the rent out of the local Hebrews. That's what
Jeanine: Well maybe you should get someone else to find the lost
luggage, and you should concentrate on what's going on on stage!
David: Yes, yes. That's what we're talking about.
Ian: You mean you want me to be the road manager?
David: All bad...No, all bad ba...uh, could we...
Jeanine: What Dave is trying to say, if you'd let him get a word
through, is...you could maybe...do with some help.
Ian: Some help?
Jeanine: ...managing the band.
David: It's very simple, it's very simple.
Jeanine: It's that clear.
David: Maybe there's someone already in the organization. We don't
have to pay insurance. We don't have to pay extra room, etc.
Since she's already here, she's already among us, and uh,
she can...she is certainly capable of taking over...
Ian: She? She? Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
David: Well who do you think I'm talking about? Who do you think I'm
Ian: I would...I would have never dreamed in a million years that it was
her you were talking about!
David: Why not?
Jeanine: I am offering to help out here.
Ian: No, you're not offering to help out. You're offering to co-manage
the band with me. Is that it?
David & Jeanine: Yes!
David: In so many words, that is exactly it.
Ian: I'm certainly not going to co-manage with some...some...some girl
just because she's your girlfriend...
David: Don't call her my girlfriend!
Ian: Alright, she's not your girlfriend. I don't know...
Jeanine: Oh girlfriend is it? You couldn't manage a classroom full of
kids! I don't know what you're doing managing a band!
David: Why don't we just...
Jeanine: Oh shut up!!!
Ian: Look, look...I...I...this is...this is my position okay?
I am not managing it with you or any other woman, especially
one that dresses like an Australian's nightmare. So fuck you!!!
Jeanine: Fuck you too!!!
Ian: And fuck all of you...because I quit! Alright? That's it!
Derek: Can I raise a practical question at this point?
Derek: We gonna do Stonehenge tomorrow?
David: No we're not gonna fucking do Stonehenge!!!
Jeanine: OK, we're all set, thank you, alright right fellows, We've got
the tickets. We're on the 3:10 flight, gate 24, alright.
And it arrives at 4:00 in Colorado, and then we've got a
limo to take us to the lodge.
David: That's about a hundred yards from Rainbow Trout Studio.
Jeanine: Uh, what I've done is to arrange a whole load of charts.
David: Wait till you see this, wait till you see this, this is so great
Jeanine: The band's sign is Virgo, and we see it's Saturn in the third
house, allright, and it is a bit rocky. But, because Virgo is
one of the most highly intelligent signs of the Zodiac,
we're gonna pull through this, with great bond.
David: Yeah. It is so clear, it really is, it's so clear...
Jeanine: Nigel hasn't got one, Nigel, Nigel, we've got some pages for you
David: He's got one, he's got one...you know, think about what jumble
a tour usually is...
Jeanine: If you have a look at this....
David: No, He's got one, he's got one
Jeanine: Now, what I want to explain to you here is that Denver....
Marty: How would you characterize your relationship with David over the
years. Has it changed in any way?
Nigel: Not really, I mean, you know, they go, we've grown up but really
it's not, no, not really... we we feel like children much of the
time, even when we're playing. We're closer than brothers.
Brothers always fight, sort of disagreements, and all that.
We really have a relationship that's way, way past that.
Nigel: He can't play the fucking guitar anymore.
Derek: You know the part, you did it this morning.
Nigel: No, he doesn't know the fucking...if he knew the fucking part he'd
play it, wouldn't he?... Are you walking out? Are you walking out?
Nigel: Great, just tell me what I'm supposed to do, alright?
David: We're supposed do play the fucking thing, aren't we. We've no
choice, we've spent an hour and a half...
Nigel: I'm doing my part...make this a lot simpler, I mean I hate to
cut right through it here, why don't you play this alone, without some
fucking angel hanging over your head, you know what I mean?
Derek: Jesus Christ, this is fucking all we need!
Nigel: You can't fucking concentrate, because of your fucking wife, simple
as that, alright, it's your fucking wife!
David: She's not my wife!
Nigel: Whatever fuck she is, alright, you can't concentrate, we can't
fucking do the track.
David: This is unbelievable! This is unbelievable!
Nigel: No, it's not unbelievable at all...it all leads up to this...it all
leads up to this
David: This is unbelieveable. Will you check me on this, am I losing my
fucking mind? Could you check me on this, am I losing my mind?
I-I-I-I don't understand what this has to do with anything.
Derek: We're very lucky in the sense that we've got two visionaries in the
Derek: David and Nigel are both like, uh, like poets you know like
Shelley or Byron, or people like that. The two totally distinct
types of visionaries, it's like fire and ice, basically, you see and
I feel my role in the band, is to be kind of in the middle
of that, kind of like lukewarm water, in a sense.
Jeanine: Listen, I don't think you've got time to go to the hotel, I think
we better go straight to the base.
Nigel: To the what?
David: The gig.
Derek: To the Civic Arena, right?
David: No, it fell through.
Nigel: Wait a sec, wait a sec, hold it, hold it! Do you know about this,
and we don't know about this? What are you talking about?
Jeanine: We are going to the Air Force base.
Nigel: Why are we going to an Air Force base?
Jeanine: Cause the original gig fell through....
Jeanine: Lieutenant Hookstrat....
Lt Hookstratten: Ahh...Hookstratten..and you are Spinal Tarp?
Jeanine: I'm Jeanine Pettibone, and this is Spinal TAP.
Lt Hookstratten: Spinal TAP, my mistake, I'm Lieutenant Bob Hookstratten.
Welcome to the Lindberg Air Force base. This is your gentlemen's
first visit to a military facility?
Lt Hookstratten: Fine, may I start by saying how thrilled we are to have
you here, we are such fans of your music, and all of your records.
Derek: That's great
Lt Hookstratten: I am not speaking of yours personnaly, but the whole genre
of the rock and roll ...
David: I can understand that.
Derek: It's a great genre.
Lt Hookstratten: ...of the exiting things that are happening in the music
today. Let me explain a bit of what's going on. This is our
monthly "at-ease weekend", gives us the chance to kind of let down
our hair, although I see you all have a head start.
These haircuts wouldn't pass military muster, believe me. Although
I shouldn't talk I, my hair's getting a little shaggy too, better
not get too close to you, they'll think I'm part of the band,
I am joking, of course. Shall we go in and I'll show you around.
Walk this way, please, right through here. Did you ever run into a
musical group works out of Kansas City call themselves
"Four Jacks and a Jill"? They've been at a Ramada Inn there
for about 18 months. If you're ever in Kansas City and want to
hear some good music, you might want to drop by.
I would like to get the playing on about 1900 hours, if that
Derek: When will that be?
Lt Hookstratten: I make it now it is about 1830 hours.
Derek: So that's what? about 50 hours?
David: 120 hours?
Lt Hookstratten: That's actually about 30 minutes, about a half hour,
give or take just a few minutes. I don't want to rush you.
The idea is that we get it on and we get it over with and
I have just one request, would you play a couple of slow numbers
so I can dance.
--- Spinal Tap performs Sex Farm ---
Jeanine: He totally ruined the gig, there. He walks off and then you know,
he can't be expected to sit home and get money, we've got to get
someone else in there.
Marty: Has he ever done this before? Has he ever....
David: well, no.
Marty; ...quit the band before?
David: No, but it's....you've got to understand that like in the world of
rock and roll there are certain changes that sometimes occur,
and you've just got to, sort of, roll with them, you know.
I mean you read... you read... you saw exactly how many people
who's been in the band over the years, 37 people's been in this
band over the years. I mean It's like, you know, six months
from now, I can't see myself missing Nigel more than I might miss
Ross McLochness, or Ronnie Pudding, or Danny Upham, or Little
Danny Schindler, or any of those, you know, it's...
Marty: I can't...I can't believe it. I can't believe it, you
know, that, you're lumping Nigel in with uh you know these people
you've played with for a short period of time...
David: Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy
sedation, but still in all, I mean you've got to be realistic
about this sort of thing, you know....
Marty: So, what happens to the band now?
David: What do you mean?
Marty: He's not coming back, or...?
David: No, we, we shan't work together again.
Jeanine: Oh, no! I told them once, I told them a hundred times:
put "Spinal Tap" first and "Puppet show" last.
Derek: It's a morale builder, isn't it?
Jeanine: We've got a big dressing room, though.
Jeanine: Got a big dressing room here...
David: Oh, we've got a bigger dressing room than the puppets? Oh,
Viv: I've got some of this Mendocino Rocket Fuel, that's supposed
to be really......
David: Can you play...excuse me, Viv, can you play a bassline, uh, like
Nigel used to do on "Big Bottom", can you double that? You recall
the lines in fifths?
Viv: Oh, yeah. I've got two hands here, yeah I can do it.
David: So, that's good, you can play that one.
Derek: "Hole" is out, "Heavy" is out....
David: "Heavy-Hole" ....
Derek: Right, right, right, right...."America" is out.....
David: "America" we can't do, that's Nigel's tune, not my tune.
Derek: We know, we know, we know, we know...That's a nice little set,
isn't it, that's a cozy ten minutes.
David: What are we going to do, we've got nothing to play here...
Derek: I'll tell you what we're gonna have to do...
Derek: Jazz odyssey!
David: We're not going about to do a free-form jazz, uh, exploration in
front of a festival crowd!
--- Spinal Tap Mark II performs Jazz Odyssey ---
( in front of a festival "crowd" )
David: You are witnesess at the new birth of Spinal Tap Mark II, hope
you enjoy our new direction...
...on the bass: Derek Smalls, he wrote this.....
Reporter: So tonight's the last show of the tour. How's that feel? You
know, is like this your last waltz, are we talkin' the end
of Spinal Tap, or are you gonna try to milk it for a
few more years in Europe, I mean....
David: Well, I don't, I don't really think that the end can be
assessed...uh as of itself as being the end because what
does the end feel like, it's like saying when you try to
extrapolate the end of the universe you say the...if the
universe is indeed infinite then how what does that mean?
How far is is t...is all the way and then if it stops what's
stoppin' it and what's behind what's stoppin' it, so what's
the end, you know, is my...question to you....
Guy: 'Sa good crowd. Good crowd.
Jeanine: It is, isn't it?
Guy: Yeah, it really is. I mean, you know, some of these things just,
you know, don't mean much.
Jeanine: It was hard to get at the last minute, you know, you can't
arrange it all overnight.
Derek: David, we had a fifteen-year ride, mate. 'Mean, who wants to be a
fuck'n forty-five year old rock'n'roller farting around in front of
people less than half their age?....
David: So true, so true, yeah....
Derek: ...cranking out some kind of mediocre head-banging bullshit, you
know, that we forgot can be?
David: It would b...it's beneath us...who wants to see that...not me.
Derek: That's right...absolutely right. I mean, we could take those
projects that we thought, you know, we didn't have time for....
David: Oh, there's dozens, there's so many dozens of projects.
Derek: You know, we didn't have time for 'em because of Tap and bring 'em
back to life maybe.
David: Do you remember what we were...do you remember the time?...
Derek: At the Luton...at the Luton Palace...
Derek: We were talking about a rock musical based on the life of Jack the
David: Yeah,'Saucy Jack.'
Derek: Right.'Saucy Jack.' Now's the time to do that.
David: "Saucy Jack, you're a naughty one, Saucy Jack, you're a haughty
one, Saucy Jack."
David: It's a freein' up, idnit?
David: It's all this free time it's suddenly time is so elastic....
Derek: It's a gift, it's a gift of freedom. You know.
David: I've always, I've always wanted to do a collection of my acoustic
numbers with, the London Philharmonic as you know.
Derek: We're lucky.
Derek: I mean people...people should be envying us. You know.
David: I envy us.
David: I do.
Derek: Me too.
Derek: We'll make 'em miss us.
Viv: Last stop.
David: I'm in, I'm in tune...the last tuning
Derek: Last tuning...
Jeanine: ...time to go...shall we go...I think it's time to go.
Derek: Yeah, we're gonna do a good show, we'll do a dynamite show....
David: Come to see the show?
Nigel: Yeah, hi, Mick!
David: So d'you just come here to hang around back stage like a real rock
and roller? Is that what you're doing?
Nigel: I'm really a messenger...
David: A messenger...
Nigel: Yeah, I bumped into Ian, and....
David: Ian...Ian?...oh, the other dead man, yeah.
Nigel: Seems that "Sex Farm" is on the charts in Japan...
Derek: Spinal Tap's recording of "Sex Farm".
Nigel: It's number five, last week, actually. So, he, he, he,
um he asked me, to ask you, Tap, if you would be interested
reforming and, uh, doing a tour of Japan.
David: So you've come back to replug our life-support systems in?
Is that it? By the grace of your, of your, uh by the stroke
of your hand...you...is that what you're gonna do?...you are
going to bring us back to life? Is that what you've come here for?
Nigel: No I've come...
David: I mean it's...I don't...you've a fucking... nerve that you display
Nigel: No that's it's I'm just passing on information, really...
Jeanine: Yeah, I think it's time to go in, we don't have time to
discuss this now...
Nigel: David; do a good show, alright
David: Yeah, OK.
--- Spinal Tap performs Tonight I'm Going to Rock You Tonight ---
David: Nigel Tufnel, Lead guitar!
Marty: Do you feel that playing rock'n'roll...music keeps you a child?
That is, keeps you in a state of arrested development?
Derek: No...no...no, I feel, it's like, it's more like going, going
to a national park, or something, and there's, you know,
they preserve the moose...and that's, that's my childhood up there
on stage is that moose, you know, and...and...
Marty: So, when you're playing you feel like a preserved moose on stage?
David: I've been listening to the classics, I belong to a...great series
um..It's called the 'Namesake Series' of casettes...
David: And they send you the works of famous authors, done by actors
with the same last name...so I've got Denham Elliot reading
T.S. Elliot on this one...
Marty: Yeah...well, thats interesting...
David: I've go... Yes, I've got Danny Thomas doing "A Child's Christmas
in Wales" by Dylan Thomas, and...next month it's Mclean Stephenson
reads Robert Louis Stevenson ah "Treasure Island" problably.
Marty: That's interesting...It's fascinating.
David: Yeah.. and there's also something...there's uh shorter works of
Washington Irving, read by someone called "Dr. J."
Marty: Oh, that's Julius Irving...Julius Irving...
Marty: The basketball player.
David: There you go, keeping with the series, yes. I didn't know that, yeah.
Nigel: You like this?
Marty: It's very nice ...it looks like Halloween...
Nigel: This is exact... my exact inner structure, done in a T-shirt
exactly, medically accurate, see.
Marty: So, in other words, if we were to take all your flesh and blood and
Nigel: ..take them off...
Marty: ...and you'd see..exact...
Nigel: This is what you'd see...
Marty: It wouldn't be green, though?
Nigel: It *is* green! You know, see, see how your blood looks blue?
Marty: Yeah, well, that's just the vein, I mean the color of the vein,
the blood is actually red..
Nigel: Oh, mabye it's not green...anyway, this is what I sleep in
Marty: Dennis Eaton-Hogg, the president of Polymer Records...
Marty: ...was recently knighted, what were the circumstances surrounding
Ian: The specific reason why he was knighted was uh for the founding
of Hoggwood, which is um, a summer-camp for pale, young boys.
Marty: David St. Hubbins...I ne..I must admit I've never heard
anybody with that name...
David: It's an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint, he's
not a very well known saint.
Marty: Oh, there actually is, uh...there was a Saint Hubbins?
David: That's right, yes.
Marty: What was he the saint of?
David: He was the patron saint of quality footwear.
Marty: You play to predominantly, uh predominantly a white audience,
you feel your music is racist in any way?
Nigel: No, no, of course not....
David: We pro...we say, we say "love your brother", we don't say it,
Nigel: We don't literally say it.
David: No, we don't say it ...at all.
Nigel: No, we don't literally mean it, but we're not racists.
David: No, we don't believe it either, but...that message shuould
be clear anyway.
Nigel: We're anything but racists.
Derek: You know, we've grown musically...I mean, listen to some of
the rubbish we did early on, it was stupid...
Derek: ...you know. Now, I mean a song like "Sex Farm", we've taken the
sophisticated view of the idea of sex, you know, and music-
Marty: ...and put it on a farm?
Marty: If I were to ask you what your philosophy of life, or your creed...
what would that be?
Viv: "Have...a good...time...all the time." That's my philosophy, Marty!
David: I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what
makes me more of a selective human, than someone who doesn't
Marty: Do you have a philosohpy, or creed that you live by?
Mick: Well...like, personally, I like to think about sex and drugs
and rock'n'roll, you know, that's my life...
Marty: If you were to have something written as your epitaph...
David: "Here lies David St. Hubbins...and why not?"
Marty: You feel that sums up your...your life?
David: No, 's the first thing I could think of.
Marty: Oh, I see...
David: It doesn't sum up anything, really.
Nigel: I'm a real fish nut. I really like fish...
Marty: What kind of fish?
Nigel: Well, in the United States, you have cod...I like cod.
And I love tuna...those little cans you've got here...tuna fish
Nigel: ...no bones!
Marty: If you could not play rock'n roll, what would you do?
David: Be a full time dreamer!
Viv: I'd probably get a bit stupid and start to make a fool of myself in
public, 'cause there wouldn't be a stage to go on.
Derek: Probably work with children.
Mick: As long as there is, you know, sex and drugs, I can do
without the rock'n'roll.
Nigel: Well, I suppose I could, uh, work in a shop of some kind or...
or do uh... freelance... selling of some sort of...uh...
product, you know...
Marty: A salesman, you think you ....
Nigel: A salesman, like, mabye in a haberdasher, or maybye like a...uh
a chapeau shop, or something...you know, like: "Would you...what size
do you wear, sir?" and then you answer me.
Marty: Uh...seven and a quarter.
Nigel: "I think we have that...", you see, something like that I could do.
Marty: Yeah...you think you be happy doing something like-
Nigel: "No! We're all out, do you wear black?", see, that sort of thing,
I think I could probably muster up.
Marty: Yeah, do you think you'd be happy doing that?
Nigel: Well, I don't know, wh-wh-what are the hours?
March 1. 1995 firstname.lastname@example.org