Romy and Michele's High School Reunion -Transcription for internet by Tyler Knowles- ["Just a Girl" plays] [ Woman #1 from "Pretty Woman"] HOW MUCH IS THIS, LORI ? [ Woman #2 ] IT'S VERY EXPENSIVE. [ Woman #1 ] IT'S VERY EXPENSIVE. WELL, I GOT MONEY TO SPEND IN HERE. I DON'T THINK WE HAVE ANYTHING FOR YOU. YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY IN THE WRONG PLACE. PLEASE LEAVE. [ Michele ] YOU KNOW, EVEN THOUGH WE'VE WATCHED PRETTY WOMAN, LIKE, 36 TIMES, I NEVER GET TIRED OF MAKING FUN OF IT. [ Romy ] OH, I KNOW. AW, POOR THING. LOOK, THEY WON'T LET HER SHOP. YEAH, LIKE THOSE SALESGIRLS IN BEVERLY HILLS AREN'T BIGGER WHORES THAN SHE IS. [ Michele ] [ Giggles ] I KNOW ! [ Piano: Mournful ] [ Romy ] OH, MY GOD, LISTEN TO THAT SAD, SAD MUSIC AS SHE LEAVES. [ Michele ] IT'S, LIKE, "BOO-HOO." UHH ! [ Laughs ] BUT IT IS, ACTUALLY, KIND OF SAD. [ movie continues ] [ Salesman ] ANYTHING YOU SEE HERE, WE CAN DO. GET READY TO HAVE SOME FUN. OKAY? MARY PAT, MARY KATE, MARY FRANCIS, TOVAH ? LET'S SEE IT. COME ON. [ Stifled Giggle ] [ TV Continues, Faint ] [ Michele ] I JUST GET REALLY HAPPY WHEN THEY FINALLY LET HER SHOP. [ Romy ] OKAY, SO I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR. WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO MAKE ANYTHING NEW BEFORE WE GO OUT. [ Michele ] WELL, WHAT ABOUT THIS ? DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT ? [ Romy ] ACTUALLY, I HAVE BEEN TRYING THIS NEW FAT-FREE DIET I INVENTED. ALL I'VE HAD TO EAT FOR THE PAST SIX DAYS ARE GUMMI BEARS, JELLY BEANS AND CANDY CORNS. [ Michele ] GOD, I WISH I HAD YOUR DISCIPLINE. [ Romy ] I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW CUTE I LOOK. [ Michele ] I KNOW ! [ Romy ] YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS, LIKE, THE CUTEST WE'VE EVER LOOKED. [ Michele ] OH, IT'S DEFINITELY THE CUTEST. [ Romy ] DON'T YOU LOVE HOW WE CAN SAY THAT TO EACH OTHER... AND KNOW WE'RE NOT BEING CONCEITED ? [ Michele ] OH, I KNOW. NO, WE'RE JUST BEING HONEST. [ Music: "BE MY LOVER"] [ Crowd Shouting, Chattering ] [ Continues ] [ Romy ] GOD, I HOPE SOME CUTE GUYS GET HERE TONIGHT. THEY WERE CUTE LAST NIGHT. [ Michele ] THEY WERE CUTE ! [ Romy ] REALLY CUTE ! [ Michele ] OHH ! [ Bartender ] HEY, MICHELE, ROMY. [ Romy ] WE'LL TAKE TWO DIET COKES. [ Bartender ] RIGHT, WITH EXTRA CHERRIES. DON'T MOVE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. [Michele] OKAY. I HAVE THE YUCKIEST TASTE IN MY MOUTH FROM THOSE TAQUITOS. [ Romy ] OOH. [ Michele ] I HOPE I DON'T GET INDIGESTION. 'MEMBER THAT TIME I BARFED FROM BAD MEXICAN FOOD? IT WAS SO GROSS. [ Romy ] OH, MY GOD, I HATE THROWING UP IN PUBLIC. [ Michele ] ME TOO ! [ Romy ] I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. THERE ARE ABSOLUTELY NO GUYS HERE TONIGHT. [ Michele ] I KNOW. NONE. [ Romy ] COME ON, MICHELE, LET'S JUST GO DANCE WITH OURSELVES. [ Michele ] OKAY. [ Stayin' Alive" plays ] [ Continues ] [ Romy ] SWEAR TO GOD, SOMETIMES I WISH I WERE A LESBIAN. [ Michele ] DO YOU WANNA TRY TO HAVE SEX SOME TIME, JUST TO SEE IF WE ARE ? [ Romy ] WHAT ? YEAH, RIGHT, MICHELE. JUST THE THOUGHT OF HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER WOMAN CREEPS ME OUT. BUT IF WE'RE NOT MARRIED BY THE TIME WE'RE 30, ASK ME AGAIN. [ Michele ] OKAY. [ Rap Continues ] [ Romy, Faintly ] TWO-FOUR-THREE ? [ Buzzing ] [ Buzzing Continues ] [ Romy On P.A. ] TWO-FOUR-THREE. [ Romy Clears Throat ] TWO-FOUR-THREE. SERVICE. NUMBER 2-4-3. [ Man ] THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. IS THAT REAL WOOD ? [ Romy exhales on P.A. ] DURING THIS CENTURY, BOYS. [ Clears Throat ] COME ON, RAMON, QUIT JERKING OFF AND BRING THE CAR AROUND. [ Tires Screech, Engine Off ] [ Door Closes ] IT'S ABOUT TIME. [ Ramon ] MMM ! ROMY. YOU ARE LOOKIN' HOT... TODAY. [ Romy ] YEAH, THAT'S BECAUSE I'M SWEATING LIKE A PIG IN HERE. [ Ramon ] THE AIR CONDITIONING'S WORKING IN THE SERVICE OFFICE. YOU MIGHT WANT TO COME BY AND, UH, COOL OFF LATER ? [ Romy ] YEAH, RAMON. THAT'LL HAPPEN. SORRY, MA'AM. HE IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE. [ Man Clears Throat ] [ Heather ] I'M IN A HURRY. [ Romy ] WELL, I'M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN, MISS... MOONEY. "HEATHER." HEATHER MOONEY ? FROM SAGEBRUSH HIGH IN TUCSON ? [ Heather ] YEAH ? [ Romy ] IT'S ROMY. ROMY WHITE ! [ Heather ] YOU'RE SHITTIN' ME. [ Romy ] NO ! THIS IS SO WEIRD ! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE LIVING IN L.A. [ Heather ] WELL, NOW THAT YOU KNOW, WILL WE GETTING TOGETHER A LOT ? [ Romy ] [ Braying Laugh ] SO, GOD, YOU'RE DRIVING A NEW JAGUAR ? WHAT DO YOU DO ? [ Heather ] EVER HEAR OF LADY FAIR CIGARETTES ? [ Romy ] THE ONES THAT BURN DOWN FAST ? [ Heather ] TWICE THE TASTE IN HALF THE TIME FOR THE GAL ON THE GO. I INVENTED THE QUICK-BURNING PAPER. [ Romy ] WOW. [ Chuckles ] [ Heather ] YOU GOIN' TO THE REUNION ? [ Romy ] WHAT REUNION ? [ Heather ] OUR TEN-YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION IN TUCSON. [ Romy ] YOU'RE KIDDING ME. IT'S BEEN TEN YEARS SINCE HIGH SCHOOL ? GOD. WHERE HAVE I BEEN ? [ Heather ] I'M STUMPED. WHERE ? [ Romy ] [ Laughs ] ANYWAY, ARE YOU GOING ? [ Heather ] I'D RATHER PUT THIS OUT IN MY ASS. [ Romy ] I WONDER WHY WE DIDN'T GET AN INVITATION. I'M SURE MICHELE WOULD HAVE TOLD ME IF SHE GOT ONE. [ Heather ] MICHELE WEINBERGER ? [ Romy ] MM-HMM. [ Heather ] DO YOU LIVE WITH MICHELE WEINBERGER ? [ Romy ] YEAH. [ Shudders, Chuckles ] [ Heather ] I JUST THOUGHT SHE'D BE MARRIED TO SANDY BY NOW. [ Romy ] SANDY FRINK ? [ Chuckles ] [ Heather ] YES, SANDY FRINK. HE COULD BARELY CONTAIN HIS ERECTION EVERY TIME SHE WAS AROUND. WHY DO YOU THINK HE ALWAYS CARRIED THAT HUGE NOTEBOOK ? [ Romy ] THE FRINK-A-ZOID AND MICHELE ? I'M SURE. BESIDES, DIDN'T YOU HAVE A THING FOR SANDY IN HIGH SCHOOL ? [ Heather ] I DID NOT HAVE A "THING." I DID NOT HAVE A "THING." I WAS VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH HIM. VERY MUCH IN LOVE. AND THERE'S A DIFFERENCE. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE. [ Whispers ] I HAVE TO GO NOW. [ Receipt Printing ] [ Tears Receipt ] [ Romy ] WELL-- [ Clears Throat ] I GUESS I WON'T BE SEEING YOU AT THE REUNION, BUT I'LL TELL EVERYONE YOU SAID "HI." [ Heather ] WHY DON'T YOU TELL EVERYONE TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES FOR MAKING MY TEEN YEARS A LIVING HELL. [ Romy ] [ Laughs] OH, YEAH, RIGHT. [ Lady ] FINALLY. [Sighs ] [ Romy ] [Dialing ] MICHELE, YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHO I JUST RAN INTO. [Giggling ] [ Romy ] GOD, I CANNOT BELIEVE IT'S ALREADY BEEN TEN YEARS. [ Michele ] I KNOW. [ Gasps ] [ Romy ] THERE SHE IS. OHH ! GOD, SHE WAS SO WEIRD. SHE STILL IS. [ Michele ] WHY WAS SHE ALWAYS GOING BEHIND THAT BUILDING ? ["Blood and Roses" plays] [ Heather ] GOT A LIGHT ? [ Heather ] THANK YOU. THANK YOU ! THANK YOU ! I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT, BECAUSE I'M NOT A HUMAN BEING OR ANYTHING, YOU PATHETIC TURD ! [ School Bell Rings ] [ Heather ] THERE SHOULD BE A CIGARETTE YOU CAN SMOKE ALL THE WAY THROUGH BETWEEN CLASSES. WHAT A WASTE. [ Romy ] OKAY, FIND US. [ Michele ] OH. OKAY. [ Romy ] OH, MY GOD, DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT A BIG CONTROVERSY IT WAS... FOR US TO HAVE OUR PICTURE TAKEN TOGETHER ? [ Laughing ] [ Michele ] YEAH, WELL, DANNY WELLER, LIKE, LODGED THAT COMPLAINT AND, YOU KNOW-- 'CAUSE, ALPHABETICALLY, HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BETWEEN US. [ Romy ] THEN WE SAID, "OKAY, DANNY, IF WANNA BE BETWEEN US, YOU CAN COME TO MICHELE'S HOUSE ON FRIDAY NIGHT AND WE'LL BE WAITING." [ Michele ] THAT'S RIGHT. HE CAME OVER AND WE'RE LIKE, "DANNY, IT WAS A JOKE." [ Romy ] I KNOW ! AND THEN WE TURNED THE SPRINKLERS ON HIM ! [ Michele ] OH, MY GOD ! DIDN'T HE DIE ? [ Romy ] I THINK SO. [ Michele ] YEAH. [ Romy ] OH, MY GOD, MICHELE. LOOK AT THE "A" GROUP. [ Michele ] MM-HMM. [ Romy ] CHRISTIE MASTERS, KELLY POSSENGER, LISA LUDER, AND CHERYL QUICK. [ Michele ] SO, WHO WOULD YOU SAY... WAS IN THE "B" GROUP ? [ Romy ] OH. THE DRAMA CROWD. YOU KNOW, LIKE CASEY DEGAN AND MARK BLACK. [ Michele ] UH-HUH. GOD, I HAD THE HUGEST CRUSH ON CASEY. 'MEMBER ? [ Romy ] OH, YEAH. [ Michele ] GOD, I WONDER WHY HE NEVER LIKED ME. [ Village people's "YMCA" plays in background] [ Car Horn Honking ] [ Michele ] SO, WHAT GROUP WOULD YOU SAY WE WERE IN ? [ Romy ] WELL, WE DEFINITELY WEREN'T IN THE "A" GROUP. BUT WE WEREN'T REALLY IN THE "B" GROUP EITHER. [ Michele ] OKAY, WE WEREN'T IN THE "C" GROUP, WERE WE ? [ Romy ] WHAT ? OH, NO. MICHELE, COME ON. THAT WAS, LIKE, ALL THE HONOR STUDENTS AND REJECTS. YOU KNOW, LIKE SANDY FRINK AND HEATHER MOONEY. [ Michele ] EEEW, LOOK AT THEM. [ Romy ] WE WERE DEFINITELY NOT IN THAT GROUP. [ Michele ] ECCH ! ["She Blinded Me With Science" plays ] [ Sandy ] MICHELE ! OH, MICHELE ! OVER HERE ! [ Heather ] WANT ME TO GET YOUR HUGE NOTEBOOK FOR YOU ? [ Toby ] OH, HEATHER, I WANNA TAKE ANOTHER PICTURE OF YOU AND SANDY FOR THE YEARBOOK ! [ Gasps ] I WANNA INTERVIEW YOU TOO... BECAUSE I THINK IT WOULD MAKE A REALLY INTERESTING ARTICLE FOR THE ROUNDUP. [ Heather ] OHH, TOBY ! FUCK OFF. [ Toby ] OKAY. BUT CAN I TAKE A PICTURE OF YOU FIRST ? [ Michele ] SO, ROMY, WHAT GROUP WERE WE IN ? [ Romy ] YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURE THAT WE WERE REALLY IN ANY GROUP. I THINK MAYBE WE WERE MORE LIKE LONERS. OH, MY GOD ! THERE WE ARE ! [ Michele ] YEAH, AND ALONE. [ Romy ] LOOK. [ Michele ] EVEN THOUGH I HAD TO WEAR THAT STUPID BACK BRACE AND YOU WERE KINDA FAT, WE WERE STILL TOTALLY CUTTING EDGE. [ Romy ] I LOVE IT WHEN IT'S HAMBURGER DAY. [ Michele ] UH-HUH. [ Toby ] OKAY, SMILE ! [ Shutter Clicks ] GREAT ! THANKS A LOT ! OH, PLEASE. CAN I TAKE YOUR PICTURE ? [ Mr. Lish ] HELLO, GIRLS. DON'T FORGET YOU HAVE DETENTION AFTER SCHOOL TODAY. [ Romy ] OH, WE WON'T, MR. LISH. [ Michele ] WE'RE REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. [ Snickers, Laughs ] [ Giggles ] [ Romy ] GOD ! CAN YOU BELIEVE HE JUST GOT MARRIED ? LIKE, HOW DESPERATE IS SHE ? [ Michele ] I KNOW. IT'S LIKE: "HI. THIS IS MY HUSBAND. HE DISSECTS CRAYFISH, BUT HE HAS A REALLY GOOD PERSONALITY." [ Romy ] OH, MY GOD. MICHELE. BILLY CHRISTIANSON. OH, HE'S SO CUTE. [ Michele ] HE IS CUTE. [ Romy ] REALLY CUTE. HI, BILLY. [ Billy Chortling ] [ Christie ] OH ! BILLY ! GOSH, YOU'RE SO SLIMY ! [ Romy ] I CANNOT BELIEVE HE'S WITH CHRISTIE MASTERS. [ Michele ] I KNOW. SHE IS, LIKE, SO TRANSPARENT. [ Romy ] DID YOU HEAR HER REPORT IN MISS WEIGATT'S CLASS ? SHE ACTUALLY THINKS SHE'S GONNA BE A TV ANCHORWOMAN. WHAT A "DELUDANOID." [ Giggling ] [ Girl #1 ] THOSE WEIRDOS ARE STARING AT US AGAIN. [ Girl #2 ] THEY'RE OBSESSED WITH US. [ Christie ] LOOK AT WHAT THEY'RE WEARING. WHERE DO YOU EVEN GET OUTFITS THAT HIDEOUS ? [ Lisa ] THEY MADE THEM IN HOME EC FROM THEIR OWN PATTERNS. ACTUALLY, I THINK THEY'RE SEMI-INTERESTING. IN A FREAKISH, OFF- PUTTING SORT OF WAY. NEVER MIND. [ Billy ] CHRISTIE, COME ON. I'M HUNGRY. [ Christie ] NO, BILLY, WAIT. I WANNA HAVE SOME FUN. LISA, GIMME THE BAG. [ Giggles ] [ Lisa ] HERE YOU GO. YOU ARE SO BAD. [ Giggles ] [ Girls ] WHAT ? WHAT ? [ Lisa ] SHE IS OUT OF CONTROL. [ Giggling ] [ Romy ] MICHELE, CHRISTIE MASTERS IS COMING OVER HERE. [ Michele ] WOW. SHE NEVER COMES OVER. [ Romy ] OKAY, JUST ACT COOL. [ Christie ] HI. [ Michele ] HI. [ Romy ] HI, CHRISTIE. [ Christie ] SO, YOU GIRLS GONNA TRY OUT FOR THE SPRING MUSICAL ? [ Romy ] US ? [ Christie ] YEAH. YOU SHOULD. IT'LL BE FUN. [ Romy ] OKAY. WHY NOT ? [ Brace Squeaks ] [ Michele ] YEAH ! SO, UM, WHAT MUSICAL ARE THEY DOING ? [ Christie ] THE MUSIC MAN. [ Michele ] YOU'RE KIDDING ! [ Michele, singing ] OH, THE WELLS FARGO WAGON IS A-COMIN' DOWN THE STREET I LOVE THE MUSIC MAN. [ Squeak ] [ Christie ] OKAY... CAN I HAVE THE REST OF THIS ? [ Romy ] UM, W-- MMM. IT'S GOOD. SEE YA ! [ Squeak ] [ Michele ] SHE CAN BE REALLY NICE WHEN SHE WANTS TO BE. [ Sandy ] MICHELE ! [ Giggles ] [ Romy ] UH-OH, DON'T LOOK NOW. HERE COMES THE FRINK-A-ZOID. [ Michele ] OH, GOD, HE IS SUCH A GEEK. [ Sandy ] HI, MICHELE. [ Squeak ] GEE, MICHELE, YOU'RE LOOKING REALLY LOVELY TODAY. [ Michele ] OKAY. SEE YOU IN BIOLOGY. [ Squeak ] [ Sandy ] I-I-I THOUGHT I OUGHT TO TELL YOU, MICHELE, THAT... CHRISTIE MASTERS STUCK MAGNETS ON YOUR BACK. [ Michele ] WHAT ? [ Sandy ] SHE STUCK-- [ Romy ] MICHELE, YOU DO HAVE MAGNETS ON YOUR BACK. [ Michele ] OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD. [ Girls Laughing ] OH, MY GOD. HELP ME. OH, MY GOD. [ Laughing Continues ] [ Romy ] DON'T LET THEM SEE YOU GET UPSET. THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT. [ Michele ] OH, MY GOD. [ More Laughing. Romy joins in ] HEY ! [ Romy ] I'M PRETENDING YOU JUST DID SOMETHING HILARIOUS. NOW YOU LAUGH AT ME. DO IT ! [ Laughing Continues ] [ Romy ] GOD, THAT WAS SO RUDE. I MEAN, YOU COULDN'T HELP IT IF YOU HAD SCOLIOSIS. [ Michele ] I KNOW. AND WHAT A BITCH, TAKING YOUR HAMBURGER. I MEAN, WHAT WAS THAT ? [ Gasps ] GOD, REMEMBER THE PROM ? YOU GOT SO THIN BY THEN. [ Romy ] OH, I KNOW. I WAS SO LUCKY GETTING MONO. THAT WAS, LIKE, THE BEST DIET EVER. [ Sighs ] [ Michele ] I WONDER IF I'D GOTTEN MY BRACE OFF SOONER IF SOMEBODY WOULD'VE INVITED ME. I MEAN, OTHER THAN SANDY FRINK. [ Romy ] WELL, NOBODY INVITED ME EITHER. [ Michele ] WELL, AT LEAST WE LOOKED FANTASTIC, AND THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. [ Christie ] OH, GEE. NICE OUTFITS. REALLY. [ Giggling ] LOOK, IT'S THE MADONNA TWINS. [ Laughing Continues ] [ Michele ] THIS IS SO TYPICAL. OF COURSE WE'RE THE ONLY ONES WHO DON'T LOOK LIKE WE'RE GOING TO A HOE-DOWN. [ Romy ] OH, I KNOW. THIS TOWN IS, LIKE, SO UNHIP. ECCHH. I CAN'T WAIT 'TIL WE MOVE TO L.A. [ Michele ] ME TOO ! [ Romy ] EVERYTHING'S GONNA HAPPEN FOR US THERE, MICHELE, AND WE'LL NEVER LOOK BACK. [ Michele ] OKAY. ["Dance Hall Days" plays] [ Michele ] OH ! OH ! OHH ! THAT HURT...BUT IT LOOKED REALLY GOOD. [ Applause ] [ Shouting, Laughing, Applause Continues ] [ Announcer Girl ] OH, EVERYBODY ! OKAY, EVERYONE. UM, IT'S THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. IT'S TIME TO ANNOUNCE THE KING AND QUEEN OF THE PROM. [ Michele ] OHH ! [ Announcer Girl ] AND THE WINNERS ARE... [ Giggles ] BILLY CHRISTIANSON AND CHRISTIE MASTERS ! [ Screaming, Applause ] [ Christie ] OHH ! OHH ! [ Fanfare ] [ Michele ] DUH. [ Continues ] [ Christie ] OH, IT'S ME ! OHHH ! AAAH ! [ Applause Continues ] [ Michele ] BOO-HOO ! I'M SO SURPRISED ! [ Christie ] THANK YOU. THANK YOU. [ Romy ] GOD, BILLY LOOKS CUTE IN HIS TUX. [ Michele ] HE DOES LOOK CUTE. [ Romy ] REALLY CUTE. [ Applause Continues and ends ] [ Romy ] DO YOU THINK, SINCE THIS IS THE LAST NIGHT OF SCHOOL AND I MIGHT NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN, THAT MAYBE HE WOULD DANCE WITH ME ? [ Michele ] I BET HE WOULD. I MEAN, IT'S SENIOR PROM. NOBODY'S GONNA SAY "NO" TO ANYONE TONIGHT. [ "Addicted to Love" plays ] [ Sandy ] MICHELE, SINCE THIS IS THE LAST NIGHT OF SCHOOL AND ALL, WOULD YOU CARE TO DANCE WITH ME ONCE ? [ Michele ] NO. [ Scoffs ] [ Heather ] I'LL DANCE WITH YOU ! [ Sandy ] NAH. IT'S NO FUN UNLESS YOU REALLY LOVE THE PERSON. THANKS ANYWAY. [ Toby ] OKAY, WHO CAN NAME THE CAPITALS OF ALL THE 50 STATES ? [ Heather ] OKAY, TOBY. FUCK OFF ! [ Sandy ] HEATHER ! CAN'T YOU BE A LITTLE BIT MORE SENSITIVE ? [ Heather ] ME ? ME ? ME BE MORE SENSITIVE ? YOU ARE A JERK-OFF ! [ Sandy ] ALBUQUERQUE. [ Toby ] ALBANY. [ Heather ] WHY... ARE YOU TORMENTING ME ? WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK A SHEEP OR YOUR SISTER OR YOURSELF. BRAIN-DEAD REDNECK ASSHOLE ! [ Romy ] UM, BILLY ? [ Billy ] HI. [ Romy ] DO YOU WANNA DANCE ? I MEAN, UH, IT'S JUST 'CAUSE THIS SONG IS, LIKE, SO GREAT. MMM, NEVER MIND. UH, UNLESS, YOU KNOW, YOU WANT TO. WHOA, YOU LIKE [ Billy ] YEAH. I ME-- Y-Y-- SURE. WHY NOT ? [ Romy ] REALLY ? [ Billy ] WH-- UM- COULD YOU WAIT HERE ? I-I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. [ Romy ] OKAY. [ Billy ] HEY, CHRISTIE. THAT ROMY GIRL JUST ASKED ME TO DANCE WITH HER. [ Christie ] OH, YOU'RE KIDDING ME. OH, THAT'S PATHETIC. [ Billy ] W-W-W-WHAT SHOULD I DO ? [ Song Changes to "Whip It" ] [ Christie ] LET ME TAKE CARE OF THIS. [ Romy ] MICHELE ! [ Michele ] [ Gasps ] OH, GOD ! OKAY, SO WHAT DID HE SAY ? [ Romy ] "SURE. WHY NOT ?" [ Michele ] OH, MY GOD ! [ Both Squealing, Laughing ] [ Christie ] THANKS A LOT, ROMY. [ Romy ] WHAT ? [ Christie ] THANKS FOR STEALING MY BOYFRIEND. [ Romy ] WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ? [ Christie ] BILLY JUST BROKE UP WITH ME. APPARENTLY HE'S HAD A CRUSH ON YOU SINCE MR. ROSWELL'S CLASS. NOW THAT HE KNOWS YOU LIKE HIM, HE DOESN'T WANT TO "PRETEND" WITH ME ANYMORE. MY LIFE WAS PERFECT AND YOU RUINED IT. [ Sobs, Squeals ] [ Romy ] I SWEAR TO GOD, CHRISTIE, I DIDN'T EVEN THINK HE'D DANCE WITH ME. [ Michele ] WOW. SHE IS REALLY P.O.'D. THIS IS SO COOL ! [ Romy ] I KNOW ! YOU KNOW WHAT IS SO WEIRD ? I HAD THIS DREAM WHERE, LIKE, BILLY WAS IN LOVE WITH ME. HE WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR, BUT IT'S LIKE IT'S COMING TRUE OR SOMETHING ! [ Michele ] UH-HUH. [ Romy ] HOW'S MY HAIR ? [ Michele ] PERFECT. ROMY, YOU LOOK SO GOOD WITH BLONDE HAIR AND BLACK ROOTS. IT'S, LIKE, NOT EVEN FUNNY. [ Romy ] I HAVE TO SAY, [ Motorcycle Engine Revving. Billy and Christie leave ] THIS IS TURNING OUT TO BE ONE OF THE VERY BEST NIGHTS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. [ Song Changes: Slow Tempo ] ["LYIN' IN MY BED I HEAR THE CLOCK TICK AND THINK OF YOU..." ] [ Michele ] MAYBE HE'S, LIKE, PASSED OUT IN THE BATHROOM. YOU WANT ME TO GO CHECK ? [ Romy ] HE'S NOT IN THE BATHROOM, MICHELE. [ Michele ] I'LL DANCE WITH YOU, ROMY. [ Romy ] OKAY. [ Michele ] OKAY. [ Romy ] WE JUST WAITED AND WAITED. GOD, I WAS SUCH AN IDIOT. [ Michele ] WAIT 'TIL HE SEES YOU NOW. YOU ARE SO MUCH CUTER THAN YOU WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL. [ Romy ] I GUESS I'M CUTER. [ Michele ] YEAH ! AND LOOK AT THE WAY WE LIVE-- I MEAN, OUR LIFESTYLE, YOU KNOW. WE LIVE IN L.A. AND THEY ARE STILL STUCK IN TUCSON. [ Romy ] YOU KNOW WHAT, MICHELE ? YOU'RE RIGHT. WE ARE GONNA GO BACK THERE AND BLOW THEM AWAY. [ Michele ] BOY, THERE'S A LOT OF QUESTIONS TO ANSWER. WHY DO WE HAVE TO FILL THESE OUT ? [ Romy ] THEY WANNA KNOW WHAT WE'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS. [ Michele ] OH. [ Romy ] OKAY, HERE WE GO. [ Michele ] AHH ! [ Romy ] "NAME." [ Michele ] OHH, WE'RE HAVING SO MUCH FUN ALREADY ! [ Romy ] OH, I KNOW ! [ Michele ] I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS REUNION ! [ Romy ] [ Gasps ] ME TOO ! [ Michele ] OH ! UHH ! [ Romy ] "OCCUPATION." CASHIER. [ Michele ] UNEMPLOYED. [ Romy ] NO. DON'T WRITE THAT. UM, YOUR LAST JOB WAS AS A SALESGIRL ? SO SAY YOU WERE A FREELANCE FASHION CONSULTANT. [ Michele ] OOOH ! CLEVER. [ Romy ] "RELATIONSHIP STATUS... MARRIED." [ Michele ] NOPE. [ Romy ] "ENGAGED." [ Michele ] NO. [ Romy ] "LIVING WITH SOMEONE." [ Michele ] SHOULD I SAY YOU ? [ Romy ] I GUESS SO. [ Michele ] OKAY. [ Romy ] YOU KNOW, MICHELE, [ Michele ] YEAH ? [ Romy ] NOW THAT I'M LOOKING AT THIS, [ Michele ] UH-HUH ? [ Romy ] OUR LIVES DON'T SEEM AS IMPRESSIVE AS I THOUGHT. [ Michele ] THEY DON'T ? [ Romy ] WELL, DO YOU THINK IT'S IMPRESSIVE... THAT WE'RE STILL SINGLE, WE'VE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER FOR TEN YEARS, I'M A CASHIER AND YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED ? [ Michele ] WELL, NOT SUPER IMPRESSIVE. [ Romy ] WELL, WHAT'S THE POINT OF GOING IF WE'RE NOT GOING TO IMPRESS PEOPLE ? [ Michele ] WELL.... OH. ROMY, I STILL REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANNA GO. [ Romy ] I KNOW. ME TOO. [ Michele ] WELL, THEN, CAN'T WE JUST, LIKE, THINK OF SOMETHING ? [ Romy ] OKAY, WELL, THE REUNION IS STILL, LIKE, TWO WEEKS AWAY, RIGHT ? [ Michele ] RIGHT. [ Romy ] AND ALL WE REALLY NEED IS MAYBE, LIKE, BETTER JOBS AND BOYFRIENDS. RIGHT ? [ Michele ] YEAH ! BUT, OKAY, IF THOSE THINGS WERE SO EASY TO GET, WOULDN'T WE ALREADY HAVE THEM ? [ Romy ] WELL, WE NEVER REALLY TRIED BEFORE. WE NEVER REALLY HAD A GOOD REASON, LIKE GOING TO A REUNION, TO MOTIVATE US. [ Michele ] THAT'S TRUE. [ Romy ] OKAY, SO WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO MAKE OURSELVES MORE IMPRESSIVE, THAT'S ALL. SO I'M GONNA GO BAG US SOME BOYFRIENDS WHILE YOU CAN LOOK FOR A COOL NEW JOB. [ Michele ] OKAY. [ Romy ] PLUS, I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT I REALLY THINK THAT WE SHOULD LOSE SOME WEIGHT. [ Michele ] OH. OH. [ Whimpers ] OKAY. [ Michele ] I DON'T THINK THAT ONE CHIP MAKES A DIFFERENCE. IT WASN'T EVEN A WHOLE CHIP. [ at Fitness Center ] [ Hooting, Yelling ] [ Romy ] ALL RIGHT, ACCORDING TO THIS CHART... IF WE WANT TO LOSE A POUND A DAY, WE HAVE TO BURN TWICE AS MANY CALORIES AS WE EAT. SO THAT MEANS IF WE WANT TO BURN 4,000 CALORIES, WE ONLY HAVE TO RUN 20 MILES A DAY. [ Michele ] HEY, ROMY, 'MEMBER MRS. CHIVAS' CLASS ? THERE WAS, LIKE, ALWAYS A WORD PROBLEM. LIKE, IF THERE'S A GUY IN A ROWBOAT GOING "X" MILES... AND THE CURRENT IS GOING, LIKE, YOU KNOW, SOME... OTHER MILES, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE HIM TO GET TO TOWN? IT WAS LIKE, WHO CARES ? WHO WANTS TO GO TO TOWN WITH A GUY WHO DRIVES A ROWBOAT ? [ Fitness Instructor ] OKAY, GUYS, LET'S JUMP. [ Romy ] HEY, MICHELE. [ Michele ] YEAH ? [ Romy ] WHAT DOES THIS REMIND YOU OF ? [ Michele ] OH, I KNOW. THIS LADY IS TOTALLY SICK. [ Michele ] UM, LET ME JUST SAY THAT, UM, I AM, LIKE, REALLY FAMILIAR WITH THE ENTIRE VERSACE LINE. IF YOU WOULD JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE, I KNOW I COULD, LIKE, SELL THE SHIT OUT OF THE STUFF. AND, UM, TO ME... FASHION IS JUST, IT'S LIKE... EVERYTHING. BY THE WAY, THAT BLOUSE-- HI. THAT BLOUSE LOOKS GREAT ON YOU. [ Lady ] UH, THANK YOU. [ Michele ] AND SEE, I MAKE A GREAT SALESPERSON... 'CAUSE I HAVE, LIKE, THIS REALLY BELIEVABLE WAY OF TELLING PEOPLE THAT THEY LOOK REALLY GOOD, EVEN THOUGH I'M JUST, LIKE-- YOU KNOW. I THINK SHE HEARD ME. [ Man ] THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING. [ Michele ] THAT'S OKAY. YOU'RE WELCOME. [ Man ] [ British Accent ] I DON'T THINK WE'LL BE REQUIRING ANY NEW STAFF. [ Michele ] YOU AREN'T TAKING ON ANY WHAT ? [ Man ] STAFF. EMPLOYEES. [ Michele ] OHH ! OH, STAFF ! I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WITH YOUR BIG ACCENT. [ Laughs ] I COULDN'T FIGURE IT OUT. OKAY. [ Scoffs ] FINE. YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T LET PEOPLE FILL OUT APPLICATIONS... IF YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO ACTUALLY TRY TO GET A JOB HERE. IT'S A COMPLI-- NO, NO. THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY. GOOD-BYE. [ Man in suit ] HI. [ Romy ] HEY, UM, GREAT SUIT. IS THAT AN ARMANI ? [ Man in suit ] YES. YES, IT IS. [ Romy ] I THOUGHT SO. SO, WHAT DO YOU DO ? [ Man in suit ] I'M A SUIT SALESMAN. [ Continues ] [ Romy ] WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME ? I CUT MY FOOT BEFORE AND MY SHOE IS FILLING UP WITH BLOOD. [music continues] [ Michele ] MY FIRST CHOICE WAS TO WORK AT A BOUTIQUE ON RODEO DRIVE, BUT THIS WOULD BE OKAY. [ Man ] WELL, THANK YOU. UNFORTUNATELY WE DON'T HAVE ANY OPENINGS HERE RIGHT NOW. [ Michele ] ARE YOU SERIOUS ? [ Man ] MMM. ALTHOUGH WE MIGHT HAVE AN OPENING AT OUR DISCOUNT OUTLET. [ Michele ] OKAY, WELL, WHAT STREET WOULD THAT BE ON ? [ All Grunting ] [ Romy ] [ at Fitness Center ] COME ON, MICHELE. AT THIS POINT ANY JOB IS BETTER THAN NO JOB AT ALL. [ Michele ] A DISCOUNT OUTLET ? ME ? [ Romy ] FINE. [ Michele ] SO, ANY BOYFRIENDS YET ? [ Romy ] NO... ALL THE GUYS WITH GOOD JOBS... MUST BE GOING TO SOME OTHER CLUB. [ Michele ] YOU KNOW WHERE DANA MET HER NEW BOYFRIEND ? HE'S A WILLIAM MORRIS AGENT. [ Romy ] OH ! SHOW BIZ ! GOOD JOB ! WHERE ? [ Romy ] HI. MY NAME IS ROMY, AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC. [ All ] HI, ROMY ! [ Romy ] HEY. [ Man ] AND YOU ALSO GET A FIVE-PERCENT EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT... OVER AND ABOVE OUR EVERYDAY LOW PRICES. [ Male Customer ] YOU COULD MAKE CURTAINS FOR THE MOTOR HOME WITH THIS. [ man Clears Throat ] I GOT THIS TIE FOR A DOLLAR. [ Michele ] YOU PAID A WHOLE DOLLAR FOR THAT ? [ Man ] YOU BETCHA. [ Squeaks ] OH. [ Customer Coughing ] SHE'S ONE OF OUR REGULARS. [ Baby Screaming ] SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK ? [ Screaming Continues ] [ Michele ] I-I'D LIKE TO GO... AWAY. [ Romy ] I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO WAIT IN THAT LINE, BUT LISTEN, I WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE IF THIS WEREN'T, LIKE, A DATING EMERGENCY. [ Lady ] OUR CUTOFF IS 25. TRY VH-1. [ Romy ] THE REUNION'S LESS THAN A WEEK AWAY. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TURNED DOWN A JOB. [ Michele ] I THOUGHT THE IDEA WAS TO IMPRESS PEOPLE. HOW AM I GONNA IMPRESS ANYONE BY SELLING BAN-LON SMOCKS AT BARGAIN MART ? [ Beep ] [ Romy ] I'M SICK OF THIS. I'M GONNA GO WEIGH MYSELF. [ Beep ] OH, GOD ! I'VE BEEN KILLING MYSELF FOR EIGHT DAYS AND I GAINED A POUND ! [ Michele ] THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. DID YOU DEDUCT 16 POUNDS FOR YOUR SHOES ? [ Romy ] JUST FORGET IT. I'M NOT GOING. [ Michele ] WHAT ? [ Romy ] COME ON. GET REAL, MICHELE. WE'RE IDIOTS. WE CAN'T GET JOBS AND BOYFRIENDS AND LOSE WEIGHT IN TWO WEEKS. [ Michele ] BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE COULD. [ Shower Running ] [ Michele ] WOW. GOD, THE TOP FEMALE EXECS ARE ALL SO PRETTY. [ Romy ] THOSE AREN'T THE ACTUAL EXECUTIVES, MICHELE. THOSE ARE MODELS. [ Michele ] OH, I THOUGHT THEY LOOKED FAMILIAR. GOD, THEY REALLY LOOK LIKE EXECUTIVES, DON'T THEY ? [ Romy ] THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE THEY'RE WEARING THOSE STUPID SUITS AND PHONY GLASSES... AND CARRYING BRIEFCASES. [ Michele ] HUH. [ Romy ] OH, MY GOD, MICHELE. THAT'S IT ! WE CAN GO TO THE REUNION AND JUST PRETEND TO BE SUCCESSFUL. WHO'S GONNA KNOW ? THEY'RE IN TUCSON, WE'RE HERE. WE COULD JUST SHOW UP LOOKING LIKE BUSINESSWOMEN. [ Michele ] OH, MY GOD ! [ Laughs ] WAIT-- OHH. IF THE PEOPLE AT THE REUNION SEE US DRIVE UP IN A NOVA, WON'T THEY KNOW WE'RE NOT REALLY BUSINESSWOMEN ? [ Romy ] IF YOU CAN MAKE US THE CLOTHES, I CAN GET US THE CAR. [ Chuckles ] [ Loud Ratcheting, Mechanics Talking ] [ All Laughing ] [ "The Blue Danube" plays ] [ Romy ] CLEAR OUT, BOYS. I NEED TALK TO RAMON. [ Ramon ] GO ! [ Clicks TV Off ] YES, CARA MIA ? [ Romy ] MICHELE AND I HAVE THIS HIGH SCHOOL REUNION TO GO TO... AND WE NEED TO SHOW UP IN A REALLY COOL CAR. [ Ramon ] YES ? [ Romy ] TODD TOLD ME... HE GAVE YOU A GREAT DEAL ON AN XJS CONVERTIBLE AND THAT YOU'RE FIXING IT UP. [ Ramon ] YEAH ? [ Romy ] SO... CAN I BORROW YOUR CAR ? [ Ramon ] IF I LOAN YOU MY CAR, WHAT DO I GET ? [ Romy ] UH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ? [ Ramon ] OHH, ROMY, YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT. [ Romy ] FORGET IT ! I'M NOT GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU JUST TO BORROW YOUR STUPID CAR ! [ Ramon ] I GOTTA GET SOMETHING! [ Romy ] OKAY. CLOSE THE BLINDS... AND WE'LL WORK SOMETHING OUT. [ Romy ] OHH ! OHH ! OHH, RAMON ! OHH, RAMON. OHH ! OHH ! [ Man ] CHECK THIS OUT. [ Romy ] OH, YES. OHH. OH, YEAH. [ Man ] OH, MAN ! [ Romy ] [ Romy Continues Moaning ] OHH, RAMON ! OHH, RAMON ! YES. GO. [ Hooting ] OHH ! OH, YES ! MI CAPITAN ! MI AMOR ! YOU ARE COLUMBUS AND I AM AMERICA. DISCOVER ME, RAMON ! JUST DISCOVER ME ! [ Ramon ] HEY, UH-- EXPLOSIONS. THE EARTH IS MOVING. [ Romy ] EXPLOSIONS ! THE EARTH IS MOVING ! [ Giggling, Whispering ] [ Ramon ] OH, IS THAT AN EARTHQUAKE ? NO. IT'S RAMON. [ Romy ] IS THAT AN EARTHQUAKE ? NO, IT'S RAMON ! AAAAAH ! IT'S RAMON ! [ Whispering ] [ Ramon ] MAN STALLION, FILL ME WITH YOUR GIANT LOVE-WAND [ Romy ] WHAT ? I'M SORRY. I DON'T THINK SO. [ Ramon ] WELL, SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT MY PENIS. [ Romy ] OH, RAMON, YOUR PENIS IS SO POWERFUL, I'M COMING. OKAY, THANKS. GET OFF ME NOW. [ Ramon ] AW, COME ON, WH-- [ Romy ] YOU WANTED IT TO BE BELIEVABLE. [ Ramon ] AWWWW. ["I'm Just a Girl" plays ] [ Car Horn: "La Cucaracha" ] [ Michele ] OH, MY GOD ! YOU DID IT ! [ Romy ] YEAH, I DID. ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET GOING. [ Michele ] OH, THIS IS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN. [ Gasps ] WHAT'D YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET IT ? [ Romy ] I HAD TO GIVE ALL THE GUYS IN THE SERVICE DEPARTMENT HAND JOBS. [ Michele ] WELL, WHILE YOU WERE DOING THAT, I TAPED ALL THE NOSTALGIC SONGS FROM HIGH SCHOOL... TO GET US IN THE MOOD. [ Romy ] MICHELE. [ Michele ] HUH ? [ Romy ] I WAS KIDDING. [ Michele ] WHAT ? [ Romy ] YOU ACTUALLY THINK I WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT ? FOR A CAR ? OKAY, JUST GET IN. [ Michele ] OKAY. [ Romy ] HEY, LOOK WHAT ELSE I GOT US, LITTLE LADY. [ Michele ] OH, MY GOD ! IT'S A FLIP PHONE ! [ Romy ] UH-HUH. [ Michele ] HOW DID YOU GET THIS ? [ Romy ] I BOUGHT IT. OKAY. ARE YA READY ? [ Michele ] READY. [ Romy ] LET'S DO IT. [ Engine Starting ] [ Both Singing Along ] FOOTLOOSE KICK OFF MY SUNDAY SHOES [ Continues ] DOO WEE-- [ Romy ] I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE REST OF THE LYRICS ARE. [ Michele ] ME NEITHER. [ Michele ] WHOO ! WATCH OUT, TUCSON ! HERE WE COME ! [ Backfires ] [ Romy ] SHIT ! OHHH. [ Engine Knocking, Sputtering ] [ Engine Starts ] [ Stereo Continues ] [ Michele ] WHOO ! WATCH OUT, TUCSON ! HERE WE COME ! FOOTLOOSE FOOTLOOSE KICK OFF YOUR SUNDAY SHOES [ Backfires ] [ Romy ] SHIT ! [ Engine Knocking, Sputtering ] [ Engine Starts ] FOOTLOOSE WHOO ! [ Continues ] YOU'RE PLAYIN' SO COOL [ Together ] WHOO ! [ Both Singing Along ] YOU'RE BURNIN' YEARNIN' FOR SOME BURNIN', YEARNIN' EARNIN' SOMEONE TO TELL YOU SOMEBODY BETTER TELL YOU THAT LIFE AIN'T PASSIN' YOU BY YOU HAVE ONE HELL OF AN EYE EVERYBODY CUT, EVERYBODY CUT [ Michele Singing Along ] EVERYBODY CUT (5X) CUT FOOTLOOSE [ Stereo: Song Changes to "Turning Japanese" ] [ Romy ] I GIVE UP. WHAT ARE YOU DOING ? [ Michele ] PASS THIS CAR. THIS KID IS SO OBNOXIOUS. [ Romy ] OH, MY GOD. WHAT IS WITH THAT KID ? [ Michele ] I DON'T KNOW. HE IS SICK. [ Gurgling Continues ] [ Michele ] OH, I'M SORRY. NO. NO, NOT YOU. I WAS TRYING TO SCARE YOUR LITTLE BOY. [ Giggles ] OH, MY GOD. ARE MY LIPS THAT BIG ? [ Jukebox: Country ] [ Romy ] JUST REMEMBER, FROM THIS POINT ON... WE ARE SOPHISTICATED, EDUCATED, SUCCESSFUL CAREER WOMEN. [ Michele ] RIGHT. [ Romy ] OKAY. [ Michele ] GOD, THIS UNDERWEAR IS TOTALLY RIDING UP MY BUTT CRACK. [ Romy ] YEAH. HELLO. UM, WE NEED SOMETHING TO GO. [ Old Waitress ] OKAY. [ Romy ] DO YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF BUSINESSWOMAN'S SPECIAL ? [ Old Waitress ] COME AGAIN ? [ Romy ] WELL, WE'RE BUSINESSWOMEN. [ Michele ] YEAH, FROM L.A. [ Romy ] AND, YOU KNOW, SOME PLACES HAVE, LIKE, A LUNCH SPECIAL. [ Michele ] FOR BUSINESSWOMEN. [ Old Waitress ] WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LIKE THAT. [ Romy ] WELL, THEN JUST GIVE US... TWO BURGERS AND FRIES AND DIET COKES, 'CAUSE WERE IN A HURRY. [ Michele ] WE'RE DUE IN TUCSON LATER...FOR A BUSINESS THING. YOU KNOW. [ Old Waitress ] WHAT KIND OF BUSINESS YOU IN ? [ Romy ] [ "Karma Chameleon" plays ] I CAN'T BELIEVE WE NEVER THOUGHT OF WHAT TO SAY WE DID FOR A LIVING. [ Michele ] OH. WHICH ONE OF THESE GUYS... WILL I HAVE SEX WITH AT THE REUNION ? OOH ! CASEY DEGAN ! AAAH ! [ Romy ] COME ON ! NOW, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME. [ Stereo Continues ] I KNOW. WHY DON'T WE SAY THAT WE OWN OUR OWN COMPANY. [ Michele ] OOH, GOOD. LIKE WHAT ? [ Romy ] LIKE, WHAT IF WE INVENTED SOMETHING ? [ Michele ] LIKE WHAT ? [ Romy ] WELL, I THINK IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING THAT EVERYBODY HAS HEARD ABOUT... BUT NOBODY REALLY KNOWS WHO INVENTED IT. [ Gasps ] I'VE GOT IT ! POST-ITS ! EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT POST-ITS ARE ! [ Michele ] YEAH ! THEY'RE THE LITTLE YELLOW THINGS WITH THE STICKUM ON THE BACK, RIGHT ? OKAY. [ Romy ] OKAY, WE'RE WORKING IN THIS ADVERTISING AGENCY AFTER COLLEGE. [ Michele ] OOH, COLLEGE ! GOOD ONE ! [ Romy ] YEAH. AND WE HAVE, LIKE, THIS BIG, LIKE, PRESENTATION... TO MAKE TO, LIKE, A CLIENT. [ Michele ] HMM ! [ Romy ] SO WE'RE, LIKE, BRAINSTORMING... AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN WE'RE OUT OF PAPER CLIPS ! [ Michele ] GOOD ! [ Romy ] AND SO, OKAY-- SO THEN I, I, LIKE-- OKAY, I SAY-- I SAY-- OKAY-- "WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF THERE WAS THIS STICKUM ON THE BACK OF THIS PAPER, SO IF I LAID IT ON TOP OF THAT OTHER PAPER IT WOULD JUST STAY, LIKE, WITHOUT A PAPER CLIP ?" [ Michele ] YES ! [ Romy ] AHH ! SO YOU'VE GOT THIS GRANDFATHER OR THIS UNCLE... THAT HAS, LIKE, A PAPER MILL AND HE'S REALLY INTO IT. THE REST IS HISTORY ! OH, MY GOD ! IT IS PERFECT ! WOW ! DON'T YOU THINK ? [ Michele ] WELL, YEAH, BUT-- [ Snorts ] [ Romy ] "WELL, YEAH, BUT" WHAT ? [ Michele ] I DON'T KNOW. IT JUST SOUNDS LIKE YOU INVENTED POST-ITS ALL BY YOURSELF, YOU KNOW. I MEAN, WHAT DID I DO ? [ Romy ] WELL, IT WAS YOUR GRANDFATHER OR UNCLE. [ Michele ] YEAH ? [ Romy ] OKAY, YOU KNOW, SO WE COULD SAY THAT... YOU WERE, LIKE, THE DESIGNER. LIKE, I THOUGHT OF THEM, BUT YOU THOUGHT OF MAKING THEM YELLOW. [ Michele scoffs ] [ Romy ] WELL, NO, BUT IT'S LIKE MOST OF THESE PEOPLE... HAVE KNOWN US SINCE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. I JUST THINK YOU'RE MORE BELIEVABLE AS A DESIGNER, RATHER THAN AS AN INVENTOR. YOU KNOW ? [ Michele ] UH-HUH. [ Stereo ] "YOU'RE MY LOVER" [ Volume Increases ] "AND I'M MY RIVAL" [ Michele ] WHAT ARE YOU DOING ? [ Romy ] LOOK, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY PISSED AT ME. [ Michele ] NO. UH-UH. WHY SHOULD I BE PISSED AT YOU ? JUST BECAUSE NOW I KNOW HOW YOU REALLY FEEL ABOUT ME. [ Romy ] OH MY GOD, I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. [ Engine, Stereo Off ] I MEAN, I TRY, FOR ONCE, TO BE HONEST WITH YOU... AND IT BLOWS UP IN MY FACE. [ Sighs ] [ Michele ] GOD ! YOU WANNA BE HONEST ? OKAY, GOOD ! LET'S BE HONEST ! I LET YOU HAVE THE IDEAS ! [ Romy ] WHAT ? [ Michele ] YEAH, I LET YOU HAVE THE IDEAS... SO YOU WON'T FEEL SO BAD THAT I'M CUTER. [ Romy ] YOU ARE NOT CUTER, MICHELE. [ Michele ] I AM SO CUTER. IT'S, LIKE, COMMON KNOWLEDGE, ROMY. EVERYBODY THINKS SO. I'M THE MARY AND YOU'RE THE RHODA. [ Romy ] THAT'S RIDICULOUS. YOU'RE THE RHODA. YOU'RE THE JEWISH ONE. [ Michele ] OH, MY GOD. I'M TALKING CUTENESS-WISE, OKAY ? AND CUTENESS- WISE, I'M THE MARY. [ Romy ] THAT'S CRAZY ! YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROOF THAT YOU'RE CUTER ! [ Michele ] OH, PROOF ? YOU WANT PROOF ? OKAY, FINE. WHO LOST THEIR VIRGINITY FIRST ? [ Romy ] OH, BIG WOW ! WITH YOUR COUSIN BARRY... I WOULDN'T BRAG ABOUT IT. [ Michele ] OKAY, SO WHO ALWAYS GETS ASKED TO DANCE FIRST WHEN WE GO TO CLUBS, HUH ? NO WONDER YOU COULDN'T FIND US BOYFRIENDS, ROMY. [ Romy ] WELL, SO WHAT ? YOU CAN'T EVEN GET A JOB ! I CARRY YOU, MICHELE ! WITHOUT ME, YOU'D BE LOST ! [ Michele ] THAT IS SUCH A LIE ! [ Romy ] WELL, LET'S JUST SEE. LET'S SPLIT UP AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. [ Michele ] W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SPLIT UP ? [ Romy ] WHEN WE GET TO TUCSON, WE'RE GOING OUR OWN SEPARATE WAYS. [ Michele ] OKAY. GOOD. FINE. I DON'T CARE. [ Romy ] FINE ! [ Michele ] FINE. [ Romy ] AS OF TUCSON, WE'RE FINISHED. [ Engine Cranking ] [ Michele ] WELL, DRIVE FAST ! [ Engine Starts ] [ Grunts ] [ Stereo: "Always Something There to Remind Me" ] [ Continues ] [ Romy ] WOW. BILLY CHRISTIANSON ? [ Nervous Chuckle ] ROMY.... ROMY WHITE. [ Billy ] NO... NO WAY. MY GOD, YOU-- YOU LOOK FANTASTIC. I MEAN, I-- I NEVER WOULD HAVE RECOGNIZED YOU IN A MILLION YEARS [ Romy ] THANKS. [ Billy ] SO, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOIN' SINCE HIGH SCHOOL ? [ Romy ] WELL, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I INVENTED POST-ITS. [ Christie ] [ Scoffs ] SO I TOLD PRESCOTT, "EITHER PAY ME THE 150 OR I AM OUT OF HERE. BYE-BYE." THERE ARE AT LEAST 12 OTHER MAJOR MARKETS THAT WOULD PUT ME ON THE AIR TOMORROW. [ Michele ] WOW. SO YOU DID IT ? YOU'RE AN ANCHORWOMAN ? [ Christie ] NO...I'M A WEATHER GIRL... ON THE HIGHEST-RATED 5:00 NEWS IN TUCSON. [ Michele ] OH. [ Christie ] SO... MICHELE, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO ? [ Michele ] UH, OKAY. UM, I INVENTED POST-ITS. [ Clears Throat ] [ Girl #1 ] YOU'RE KIDDING ! [ Girl #2 ] YOU MUST'VE MADE A FORTUNE ! [ Michele ] WELL, YEAH. [ Chuckles ] [ Christie ] NO OFFENSE, MICHELE, BUT HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU THINK OF POST- ITS ? [ Michele ] UM... WELL... UH... [ Romy ] AND I INVENTED THEM TOTALLY BY MYSELF. I MEAN, ALL MICHELE DID WAS SAY, "WHAT ABOUT MAKING THEM YELLOW ?" [ Billy ] REALLY ? [ Michele ] ACTUALLY, I INVENTED A SPECIAL KIND OF GLUE. [ Christie ] OH, REALLY ? WELL, THEN I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T MIND GIVING US A DETAILED ACCOUNT... OF EXACTLY HOW YOU CONCOCTED THIS MIRACLE GLUE, WOULD YOU ? [ Michele ] NO... UM-- WELL, ORDINARILY WHEN YOU MAKE GLUE, FIRST YOU NEED TO THERMOSET YOUR RESIN... AND THEN AFTER IT COOLS YOU MIX IN A, UM, EPOXIDE. WHICH IS JUST A FANCY-SCHMANCY NAME... FOR ANY SIMPLE, OXYGENATED ADHESIVE, RIGHT ? BUT THEN I THOUGHT MAYBE-- JUST MAYBE-- YOU COULD RAISE THE VISCOSITY... BY ADDING A COMPLEX GLUCOSE DERIVATIVE DURING THE EMULSIFICATION PROCESS. AND IT TURNS OUT, I WAS RIGHT. [ Chuckles ] [ Continues ] [ Girl #2 ] HUH ? I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. YOU MUST BE THE MOST SUCCESSFUL PERSON IN OUR GRADUATING CLASS. [ Michele ] UH-HUH...AND YOU'RE NOT. BYE. [ Billy ] [ Imitating Car Sounds ] THIS IS SO GREAT. ROMY ? CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING ? [ Michele ] ROMY ! YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED ! [ Romy ] MICHELE, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I AM BUSY ? [ Michele ] FINE. OKAY, JUST FORGET IT. [ Sighs ] [ Michele ] WHOA ! OH-- OWW. OWW. OWW. OHH ! [ Groans ] COME ON ! [ Car Door Opens ] [ Sandy ] OH, GOD ! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT ? [ Michele ] WHAT DO YOU THINK ? [ Romy ] I AM SO SORRY. MY-MY-MY DRIVER DIDN'T SEE YOU. PLEASE. COME. I HAVE BOXES OF KLEENEX IN MY LIMO. [ Sniffles ] LET ME MAKE IT UP TO YOU. [ Michele ] [ Sniffs ] OKAY. [ Echoing ] OH, MY GOD. [ Sandy ] HERE. HELP YOURSELF, MICHELE. [ Michele ] THANKS. WAIT... HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME ? [ Sandy ] IT'S ME, MICHELE. SANDY. [ Michele ] SANDY FRINK ? [ Sandy ] UH-HUH. [ Michele ] BUT YOU'RE SO DREAMY. [ Sandy ] [ Chuckles ] WELL, WHEN I MADE MY FIRST MILLION, MY PRESENT TO MYSELF WAS A NEW FACE. [ Michele ] OKAY, I'M NOT JUST SAYING THIS, BUT YOU REALLY PICKED A GOOD ONE. [ Sandy ] [ Chuckles ] THANKS. [ Romy ] I HAD THIS NOTEBOOK... WITH "MRS. ROMY CHRISTIANSON" WRITTEN ON IT, LIKE, ABOUT A THOUSAND TIMES. NOW YOU THINK I'M SOME SORT OF GEEK. [ Sighs ] [ Billy ] NO... NO, NOT AT ALL... I'M FLATTERED. [ Christie ] HI, BILLY. I'VE BEEN LOOKIN' ALL OVER FOR YOU. YOU WANNA DANCE ONCE ? YOU KNOW, FOR OLD TIMES' SAKE. [ Billy ] NO, THANKS. I OWE THIS ONE TO ROMY. [ Toby ] HEY, YOU GUYS, THEY'RE ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE THE WINNERS OF THE VOTE. COME ON ! [ Michele ] VOTE ? WHAT VOTE ? [ Sandy ] LET'S GO. WE GOTTA GET IN THERE. [ Michele ] OKAY... WAIT, I CAN'T FIND MY TOP. WHERE ARE YOU ? [ Billy ] HEY, HOW YOU GUYS DOING TONIGHT ? I BET EVERYONE IS AS ANXIOUS... AS I AM TO HEAR THE RESULTS OF THE VOTE. [ Michele ] WHAT VOTE ? [ Billy ] THE PERSON VOTED MOST CHANGED FOR THE BETTER SINCE HIGH SCHOOL IS-- [ Drumroll ] IT'S A TIE. IT'S A TIE! THE MOST CHANGED FOR THE BETTER SINCE HIGH SCHOOL ARE... ROMY WHITE AND MICHELE WEINBERGER. [ Sandy ] HONEY, GO ON UP THERE AND GET YOUR MEDAL. [ Michele ] OKAY... HOW WEIRD... I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE WERE VOTING. [ Christie ] [ Grunts ] GET ME ANOTHER DAIQUIRI. [ Billy ] HERE YOU GO. [ Michele ] UM, I'M SORRY...I COULDN'T FIND MY TOP. [ Sandy ] HONEY, THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. [ Waiter Guy ] [ 70 Years Later] [ Dishes Clattering ] MAY I TAKE THAT FOR YOU, SIR ? [ Sandy ] NO, NO, NO. YOU LEAVE ME ALONE. [ Glasses Shattering, Cat Meows ] LOOKING AT YOUR MEDAL FROM THE REUNION AGAIN, DEAR ? [ Moaning Softly ] YOU MISS HER, DON'T YOU ? [ Michele ] DUH. [ Sandy ] MICHELE, HAVE YOU BEEN TERRIBLY UNHAPPY WITH ME ALL THESE YEARS ? [ Michele ] OH, NO. NO, SANDY. [ Sandy ] OH, GOOD. [ Michele ] I'VE JUST BEEN LONELY WITH NO ONE TO TALK TO. [ Sandy ] WHY DON'T YOU CALL HER ? [ Michele ] OKAY. YEAH. [ Beeping ] [ Billy Jr. ] HELLO ? [ Michele ] BILLY CHRISTIANSON ? [ Billy Jr. ] OH, NO, NO, I'M BILLY JUNIOR. [ Michele ] OH, BILLY, HONEY, IS YOUR MOMMY HOME ? [ Billy Jr. ] WELL, YEAH, BUT SHE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW. SHE-SHE'S ON HER DEATHBED. [ Michele ] ROMY. [ Sandy ] OH, DEAR. [ Michele ] BILLY, HONEY, TELL YOUR MOMMY THAT MICHELE WEINBERGER-FRINK... IS ON THE PHONE... AND WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO SPEAK WITH HER. [ Machines Beeping, Ventilator Pumping ] [ Romy ] NO... NOT UNTIL YOU ADMIT THAT I'M THE MARY, AND YOU'RE THE RHODA. [ Michele ] I'M THE MARY. I'M THE MARY ! [ Beeping Continues ] I'M-- YOU'RE A PASTY HAG ON A DEATHBED. [ Beeping Accelerates ] I'M THE MARY... EVERYBODY KNOWS. [ Sandy ] WAY TO GO, HONEY. [ Car Horn Honking ] [ Honking Continues ] [ Car Horn Honking ] [ Michele ] OH, GOD. OH, WE'RE REALLY HERE. [ Peopmuring ] [ Gasps ] GOD. GOOD EVENING, SIR. THANKS FOR NOT WAKING ME UP, ROMY. GOD, WHAT A BITCH. [ Chattering, Laughing ] [ Rock music plays ] [ Old Friend ] HEY, ROMY WHITE. [ Romy ] HEY. [ O1d Friend ] WHERE'S MICHELE ? [ Romy ] I DON'T KNOW. UM, ANYBODY SEE BILLY CHRISTIANSON ? [ Man ] TRY THE BAR. [ Romy ] THANKS, MAN. [ Toby ] OH, EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, YOU-YOU CAN'T GO IN WITHOUT A NAME TAG. [ Michele ] OH, OKAY. OKAY. UH, MICHELE WEINBERGER. [ Toby ] OH, MY GOD, MICHELE WEINBERGER ! MY GOD, YOU LOOK GREAT. IT'S ME, TOBY. [ Pointing at name tag ] OH, TOBY WALTERS. [ Michele ] UH-HUH. [ Toby ] OKAY. UM, OH, HERE IT IS. HERE IS YOUR NAME TAG. AND, UM, ROMY IS ALREADY INSIDE. [ Michele ] I COULD CARE LESS. I AM NOT HERE WITH ROMY. [ Toby ] YOU'RE KIDDING ME. [ Michele ] NO, WE'RE NOT EVEN FRIENDS ANYMORE. WE HAD THIS BIG FALLING OUT OVER POST-ITS. [ Toby ] POST-ITS ? [ Michele ] IT'S A LONG STORY. SEE YA. [ Toby ] W-W-- [ music Continues ] [ Romy ] OOH, EXCUSE ME. [ Lisa ] HI, ROMY... HOW ARE YOU ? [ Romy ] LISA LUDER ? [ Lisa ] YES. [ Romy ] SO, WHERE'S THE REST OF THE "A" GROUP ? [ Lisa ] OH, THEY'RE AROUND HERE SOMEPLACE. WE SORT OF LOST TOUCH OVER THE YEARS. [ Romy ] WOW. ISN'T IT WEIRD WHEN YOU'RE NOT FRIENDS WITH YOUR FRIENDS ANYMORE ? I MEAN, MICHELE AND I JUST FELL OUT OF TOUCH ABOUT TWO HOURS AGO. [ Michele ] BECAUSE SHE'S SELFISH, AND SHE ALWAYS, LIKE, DEVALUES ME. AND I'M SICK OF IT, YOU KNOW ? ...GOD, YOU GUYS ARE EASY TO TALK TO. [ Romy ] I INVENTED POST-ITS... YOU KNOW, THE YELLOW THINGS WITH THE STICKUM ON THE BACK ? [ Lisa ] YES, I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE. [ Romy ] SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO ? [ Lisa ] I'M AN ASSOCIATE FASHION EDITOR FOR VOGUE. [ Romy ] WOW ! WH-- GOOD JOB. BOY, I MUST HAVE, LIKE, EVERY SINGLE ISSUE OF VOGUE FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS. [ Lisa ] OKAY, WELL, IT WAS VERY NICE TALKING WITH YOU. [ Romy ] NICE TALKING TO YOU TOO. [ Whispers ] OKAY, ROMY. [ Christie ] IT WAS SO CUTE. MY MOM GAVE US A NEW CAR SEAT FOR THE BABY. AND WHEN THE BOX ARRIVED, LITTLE JAKE LOOKS UP AT ME AND SAYS, "MOMMY, IS THAT THE BABY ?" [ All Giggling ] OH, I WISH. [ Romy ] HEY, EVERYONE. AND SO WE MEET AGAIN. [ Christie ] UH, HI. [ Gasps ] ROMY WHITE. YOU'RE THE CHUBBY GIRL. [ Romy ] OH, WELL, I WAS, BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN FOR A REALLY LONG TIME. SO, WHAT ARE ALL OF YOU UP TO ? CHRISTIE, IN THE YEARBOOK YOU SAID THAT YOU WANTED JANE PAULEY'S JOB. ARE YOU A BIG TV NEWS ANCHORWOMAN NOW ? [ Christie ] OH, NO, I DON'T EVEN WATCH TV ANYMORE. MY PRIORITIES HAVE CHANGED SINCE I BECAME A MOMMY. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS NUMBER THREE ? [ Romy ] WOW, THREE KIDS. GOD, YOU MUST FEEL REALLY TIED DOWN. [ Christie ] NOT AT ALL. I FEEL VERY FULFILLED. BESIDES, BILLY ALWAYS WANTED A BIG FAMILY. [ Romy ] BILLY CHRISTIANSON ? [ Christie ] MM-HMM. [ Romy ] YOU MARRIED BILLY CHRISTIANSON ? [ Christie ] MM-HMM. FOR ALMOST TEN YEARS NOW. BILLY'S IN REAL ESTATE DEVELOPMENT. SO, HOW ABOUT YOU ? ANY KIDS ? [ Romy ] OH. NO. I JUST HAVEN'T HAD TIME, YOU KNOW, WHAT WITH RUNNING MY OWN BUSINESS AND ALL. [ Girl #2 ] YOUR OWN BUSINESS ? [ Romy ] YEAH. I INVENTED POST-ITS. [ Christie ] NO, REALLY. WHAT DO YOU DO ? [ Romy ] THAT'S WHAT I DO. I INVENTED POST-ITS. [ All Giggling, Snickering ] [ Christie ] YOU'RE KIDDING ME. [ Romy ] WELL, I'VE MADE A LOT OF MONEY. [ Girl #1 ] OH, YOU KNOW WHO THEY SAY HAS MADE A TON OF MONEY ? SANDY FRINK. [ Girl #2 ] THE FRINK-A-ZOID ? [ Girl #2 ] YEAH. HE INVENTED SOME SPECIAL KIND OF RUBBER THAT'S USED IN EVERY TENNIS SHOE IN NORTH AMERICA. [ Romy ] HEY, IF ANYBODY NEEDS TO MAKE A CALL, I'VE GOT A PHONE. [ Heather ] IS SANDY FRINK HERE ? [ Toby ] UH, NO. UH, YOU CAN'T GO IN WITHOUT A NAME TAG. [ Heather ] FUCK OFF ! [ Toby ] HEATHER MOONEY ? OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE EXACTLY THE SAME. [ Michele ] OH, MY GOD. HEATHER MOONEY IS HERE ? THIS OUGHT TO BE SO GOOD. [ Girl #1 ] OH, GOD, DON'T LOOK NOW...IT'S HEATHER MOONEY. [ Romy ] WHAT ? [ Heather ] HELLO, ROMY. [ Romy ] UH-- E-- UH-- YOU-- OH, UH-- HEATHER, YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T COMING. [ Heather ] YEAH, WELL, SINCE SANDY AND MICHELE AREN'T MARRIED-- WHAT A WASTE OF A TANK OF GAS, HUH ? [ Romy ] OKAY, WELL, COME ON, I'LL HELP YOU GO FIND HIM. [ Heather ] UH, HE'S NOT HERE. I ALREADY ASKED TOBY DUMBFUCK. OBVIOUSLY, I'VE INTERRUPTED. WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO BACK TO IGNORING ME LIKE YOU DID IN HIGH SCHOOL ? [ Christie ] NO, YOU CAN STAY. WE'RE JUST DISCUSSING OUR CLASS SUCCESS STORIES. SO, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO ? [ Heather ] EVER HEAR OF LADY FAIR CIGARETTES ? I INVENTED THE QUICK-BURNING PAPER. [ Girl #2 ] WOW, WE HAVE A WHOLE CLASS FULL OF INVENTORS. [ Heather ] MEANING ? [ Romy ] OH, YOU KNOW, SANDY FRINK INVENTED SOMETHING TOO. HEY, ISN'T THAT SANDY OVER THERE NOW ? [ Heather ] WHAT DID SANDY INVENT ? [ Girl #1 ] SOME KIND OF RUBBER. [ Christie ] ROMY HERE INVENTED POST-ITS. [ Heather ] YOU DID NOT. [ Romy ] YEAH, I DID. [ Heather ] YOU DID NOT... YOU DID NOT. [ Romy ] YEAH, I DID. YEAH, I-- WELL, WHO DID THEN ? [ Heather ] A GUY NAMED ART FRY FROM THE 3M CORP. WE STUDIED IT IN BUSINESS SCHOOL. [ Christie ] YOU'RE KIDDING ME. YOU JUST MADE ALL THAT UP ? [ All Giggling ] [ Giggling Continues ] [ Girl #1 ] OH, GOD, YOU ARE SO WEIRD. [ Michele ] WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE HER ALONE ? [ Romy ] MICHELE. [ Christie ] OH, IT'S THE BACK BRACE GIRL. [ all girls ] HI, BACK BRACE GIRL. HI, BACK BRACE GIRL. [ Michele ] OH, SHUT UP. AND WHAT ARE YOU PICKING ON US FOR ANYWAY ? WE ARE NOT THE ONES WHO GOT FAT. [ Christie ] WE'RE PREGNANT, YOU HALF-WIT. [ Michele ] OH, YEAH, WELL, I HOPE YOUR BABIES LOOK LIKE MONKEYS. COME ON, ROMY. [ Michele ] OH, ROMY. [ Romy ] OH, PLEASE, GO AWAY. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. WHY DID I EVEN COME BACK HERE ? [ Michele ] WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT ? THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN TELLING SOME DUMB STORY... AND HAVING EVERYBODY LAUGH AT YOU. [ Romy ] LIKE WHAT ? [ Michele ] LIKE LOSING YOUR BEST FRIEND. I HAD THE WORST DREAM, ROMY. I DREAMT THAT WE WEREN'T FRIENDS AND WE WERE REALLY, REALLY OLD. BUT I MEAN, WE WERE, LIKE, REALLY, REALLY OLD. AND-AND WE WEREN'T FRIENDS. I CAN'T STAND THAT WE'RE MAD AT EACH OTHER. OKAY, I'M SORRY I SAID ALL THOSE THINGS. YOU'RE AS CUTE AS ME. YOU ARE. AND IN SOME CULTURES, MAYBE CUTER. [ Romy ] I'M SORRY TOO. I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT YOU WEREN'T SMART ENOUGH TO INVENT POST-ITS. [ Michele ] WELL, I MEAN, MAYBE I'M NOT. ALTHOUGH IN MY DREAM, I DID KNOW THE FORMULA FOR GLUE. SO, ARE WE FRIENDS AGAIN ? [ Romy ] WELL, DUH. [ Chuckling ] OKAY. [ Michele ] AND YOU KNOW WHAT, IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER... THAT WE TOLD, LIKE, WHAT, FOUR PEOPLE SOME DUMB LIE. WHO CARES ? [ Christie ] HI, EVERYBODY. SETTLE DOWN. HI. I'M CHRISTIE MASTERS-CHRISTIANSON. [ Cooing ] [ Applause ] I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO FORMALLY WELCOME YOU ALL... TO SAGEBRUSH HIGH'S TEN-YEAR REUNION. [ Applause ] WE HAVE COME A LONG WAY IN THE PAST TEN YEARS. OUR OWN LISA LUDER IS HELPING SET THE STYLE FOR THE COUNTRY... AS A FASHION EDITOR FOR VOGUE MAGAZINE. [ Murmuring, Cheering ] AND TRAVIS McKINNEY IS IN HIS FIFTH YEAR... AS A MEMBER OF THE DALLAS COWBOYS FOOTBALL TEAM. AND... ROMY AND MICHELE CLAIMED... THEY INVENTED POST-ITS. [ Giggling ] [ Giggling Continues ] [ Crowd Murmuring ] [ Giggling Continues ] [ Romy ] ALL I EVER WANTED WAS FOR PEOPLE TO THINK... THAT WE WERE BETTER THAN WE WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL. AND NOW WE'RE JUST A STUPID JOKE, JUST LIKE WE ALWAYS WERE. [ Michele ] NO, ROMY. CAN I TELL YOU THE TRUTH ? I NEVER KNEW THAT WE WEREN'T THAT GREAT IN HIGH SCHOOL. I MEAN, WE ALWAYS HAD SO MUCH FUN TOGETHER. I THOUGHT HIGH SCHOOL WAS A BLAST. AND UNTIL YOU TOLD ME THAT OUR LIVES WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH, I THOUGHT EVERYTHING SINCE HIGH SCHOOL WAS A BLAST. I THINK WE SHOULD GO BACK OUT THERE AS OURSELVES... AND JUST HAVE FUN LIKE WE ALWAYS DO. THE HELL WITH EVERYONE ELSE. [ Romy ] I DON'T THINK I CAN. [ Michele ] WELL, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP BEING SUCH A BABY ? [ Gasps ] GOD, I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN, LIKE, CHASING YOU ALL OVER THIS REUNION. WE HAVE COME ALL THIS WAY. NOW WE ARE GOING TO ENJOY OURSELVES WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. [ Romy ] [ "Venus" plays ] GOD, MICHELE, I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS SIDE OF YOUR PERSONALITY BEFORE. YOU'RE SO BOSSY AND DOMINEERING. I LIKE IT. [ Michele ] ME TOO. [ Girl #2 ] [ Gasps ] I DON'T BELIEVE IT. [ Christie ] WHAT ? [ Grunts ] [ Girl #1 ] THEY'RE BA-ACK. [ Christie ] NICE OUTFITS. POST-ITS MUST BE REALLY LUCRATIVE. [ music Continues ] [ Michele ] ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS ? [ Romy ] OH, YEAH, I AM SO SURE. WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, CHRISTIE ? WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SUCH A NASTY BITCH ? [ Crowd Gasping, Murmuring ] DO YOU GET SOME KIND OF SICK PLEASURE FROM TORTURING OTHER PEOPLE ? I MEAN, YEAH, OKAY, SO MICHELE AND I DID MAKE UP SOME LAME STORY. WE ONLY DID IT BECAUSE WE WANTED YOU TO TREAT US LIKE HUMAN BEINGS. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I FINALLY REALIZED ? I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE US 'CAUSE WE DON'T LIKE YOU. YOU'RE A BAD PERSON WITH AN UGLY HEART, AND WE DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHAT YOU THINK. [ Gasping, Murmuring Continue ] COME ON, MICHELE. [ Michele ] OKAY... AND, YEAH. [ Christie ] IT'S UNBELIEVABLE. THEY'RE AS DELUDED ABOUT THEIR LIVES... AS THEY ARE ABOUT THOSE HIDEOUS CLOTHES. [ Snickering ] [ Lisa ] ACTUALLY, CHRISTIE, THEY'VE GOT NICE LINES, A FUN, FRISKY USE OF COLOR. ALL IN ALL, I'D HAVE TO SAY THEY'RE REALLY NOT BAD. [ Gasping, Murmuring Continues ] [ Woman ] SHE WOULD KNOW. [ Christie ] WELL, WE STILL THINK THEY'RE RIDICULOUS. DON'T WE, GIRLS ? [ Lisa ] WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET THEM THINK FOR THEMSELVES FOR ONCE ? [ Christie ] YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS... BECAUSE UNLIKE A CERTAIN BALL-BUSTING, DRIED-UP CAREER WOMAN I MIGHT MENTION, WE'RE ALL HAPPILY MARRIED. [ Lisa ] THAT'S RIGHT, CHRISTIE... KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT. [ Crowd Murmuring ] [ Lady ] I DO LOVE THOSE OUTFITS. [ Other Lady ] YEAH, SURE DO. [ Romy ] OH, GREAT. THANKS. MICHELE MADE THEM. [ Michele ] WELL, I JUST SEWED THEM. WE BOTH DESIGNED THEM. [ Romy ] FIFTY-FIFTY. [ Lady ] WOW. [ Other Lady ] YEAH, THAT'S SO COOL. [ Romy ] WELL, IT'S BEEN REALLY TERRIFIC SEEING ALL OF YOU. COME ON, MICHELE. [ Michele ] OH, OKAY, BYE. [ Heather ] HI. I AM SORRY THAT I BLEW YOUR BIG LIE FOR YOU. [ Romy ] HEY, THAT'S OKAY. IT WAS BETTER THIS WAY ANYWAY. [ Heather ] IT'S IRONIC, ISN'T IT ? I REALLY THOUGHT YOU GUYS HAD IT MADE IN HIGH SCHOOL. [ Michele ] US ? [ Heather ] YES, YOU. WITH YOUR LONG HAIR AND YOUR LONG LEGS, WALKING ON YOUR LEGS, FLIPPING YOUR HAIR. I CAN'T COMPETE WITH THAT. YOU MADE SANDY CRAZY. AND THE WHOLE TIME YOU WERE MAKIN' MY LIFE HELL, THE "A" GROUP WAS MAKING YOUR LIFE HELL; I DIDN'T KNOW. [ Romy ] YOU KNOW WHAT ? I BET IN HIGH SCHOOL EVERYBODY MADE SOMEBODY'S LIFE HELL. [ Heather ] MM-MMM, NOT ME. NEVER HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE ANYONE'S LIFE HELL. [ Michele ] YOU KNOW WHAT ? I BET THAT'S NOT TRUE. YOU WERE REALLY UNPLEASANT. [ Heather ] YOU THINK ? [ Romy ] OH, YEAH. [ Toby ] HEATHER ? ...OH, I'M OFF DUTY. UM, SINCE YOU NEVER GOT AROUND TO IT IN HIGH SCHOOL, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD SIGN MY YEARBOOK. AND, UH, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME TO FUCK OFF... BECAUSE IT REALLY HURTS MY FEELINGS. [ Heather ] I HURT YOUR FEELINGS ? [ Toby ] YEAH, ALL THE TIME. [ Heather ] TREMENDOUS ! THAT'S TREMENDOUS ! GO GET YOUR STUPID YEARBOOK. I WOULD BE HAPPY TO SIGN IT. [ Toby ] OKAY, GREAT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, OKAY ? [ Romy ] MICHELE, I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD LEAVE. THERE IS NO WAY THIS REUNION IS GONNA GET ANY BETTER. [ Toby ] HEY, EVERYBODY, SANDY FRINK JUST LANDED IN A HELICOPTER ! [ Michele ] SANDY FRINK HAS A HELICOPTER ? [ Romy ] YEAH, APPARENTLY, HE'S WORTH, LIKE, MILLIONS. HE INVENTED SOME KIND OF SPECIAL RUBBER OR SOMETHING. [ Michele ] LIKE FOR CONDOMS ? [ music plays ] [ Heather ] THAT'S SANDY FRINK ? WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING ? [ Christie ] SANDY, HI. YOU LOOK SO RICH... I MEAN, GREAT. [ Sandy ] AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, YOU STILL TAKE MY BREATH AWAY. [ Michele ] THANKS. SO YOU MUST BE, LIKE, THE MOST SUCCESSFUL PERSON... IN OUR ENTIRE GRADUATING CLASS. [ Sandy ] WELL, I GUESS THAT DEPENDS ON HOW YOU DEFINE "SUCCESS." IF, TO YOU, SUCCESS MEANS HAVING A HOUSE IN ASPEN, OR IN ACAPULCO, A PENTHOUSE IN NEW YORK, A MANSION IN MALIBU, A 60-FOOT YACHT, AN EIGHT-SEAT WINDSTAR, A BELL JET RANGER, A BENTLEY, A PERSONAL TRAINER, A FULL-TIME CHEF, A LIVE-IN MASSEUSE AND A STAFF OF 24, THEN, YEAH, [ Chuckles ] I GUESS I AM SUCCESSFUL. BUT NO MATTER HOW MUCH I ACCUMULATE, THERE'S STILL ONE THING I JUST DON'T HAVE. [ Michele ] YOUR OWN COUNTRY ? [ Sandy ] I DON'T HAVE YOU, MICHELE. WILL YOU DANCE WITH ME ? [ Michele ] ONLY IF ROMY CAN DANCE WITH US. [ Sandy ] SURE. [ slow song plays; they dance ] "LYING IN MY BED......." [ Cheering ] [ Romy ] SEE, I TOLD YOU IT WOULD PAY OFF... TO GO TO THOSE CLUBS EVERY NIGHT. [ Heather ] OH, COME ON. OH, JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH. WHAT DO YOU WANT ? [ Clarence ] YOU WERE RIGHT. I WAS A BRAIN-DEAD, REDNECK ASSHOLE. ALTHOUGH I NEVER SCREWED A SHEEP OR MY SISTER. [ Heather ] WHY NOT ? COULDN'T CATCH 'EM ? [ Clarence ] I GUESS I DESERVE THAT. I WAS A JERK. BUT I WAS SO MISERABLE IN HIGH SCHOOL, I DON'T THINK I SPOKE MORE THAN TWO WORDS THE ENTIRE TIME. I JUST COULDN'T BREATHE THERE, YOU KNOW ? PLUS, I HAD THIS REALLY BAD STUTTER. LISTEN, YOU, UH, WANNA GO SOMEWHERE QUIET ? SOMEWHERE WHERE WE CAN TALK ? [ Heather ] YOU-YOU WANNA TALK TO ME ? [ Clarence ] YEAH. [ Heather ] OKAY, COWBOY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR TRIP IS, BUT IF THIS IS SOME KIND OF A SICK GAME-- [ Clarence ] WHAT ? NO. [ Heather ] IF YOU FUCK WITH ME IN ANY WAY, I WILL RIP EACH AND EVERY APPENDAGE FROM YOUR BODY, STARTING WITH YOUR DICK... CAPEESH ? [ Clarence ] LOOK, I J-JUST W-WANTED TO TALK. [ Heather ] OKAY. WHAT THE HELL. WHAT IS YOUR NAME ? [ Clarence ] C-CLARENCE. [ Heather ] I LIKE YOUR HAT, CLARENCE. [ Clarence ] THANK YOU. [ Heather ] PICK UP THE PACE. [ Sandy ] YOU WAIT HERE. I'LL PREP MY CHOPPER. [ Michele ] OKAY. [ Romy ] ALL RIGHT. [ Vomiting ] OH, MY GOD, SOMEBODY'S PUKING IN THE BUSHES. [ Michele ] EEEWWW ! [ Sandy ] HEY, HOW YOU GUYS DOIN' ? [ Romy ] BILLY ? [ Sandy ] CHUBBO ? [ Romy ] THE NAME IS ROMY. [ Sandy ] ROMY AND MICHELE. SO, WEREN'T YOU GUYS, LIKE, TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH ME IN HIGH SCHOOL ? [ Scoffs ] [ Michele ] SHE WAS. [ Sandy ] YOU WANNA GET A ROOM ? [ Romy ] BUT YOU'RE MARRIED. [ Sandy ] TO CHRISTIE. [ Romy ] YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT CHILDREN, AND YOU'RE A SUCCESSFUL REAL ESTATE DEVELOPER. [ Sandy ] I DO DRYWALL FOR HER OLD MAN'S CONSTRUCTION COMPANY. AND YOU KNOW THIS NEW KID ? DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE'S MINE. [ Giggling ] SO-- HOW ABOUT THAT ROOM ? [ Romy ] OKAY... WHY DON'T YOU GO AND GET THAT ROOM ? GO AND WASH YOUR FACE AND TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES, AND I'LL BE UP THERE IN FIVE MINUTES. [ Sandy ] ALL RIGHT. YOUR FANTASY IS GONNA COME TRUE... TONIGHT. SEE YOU LATER. [ Michele ] UGH-- OKAY. [ Both Snickering ] [ Romy ] GOD. NOW HE'S GONNA SEE WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO WAIT. THAT'S SUCH A GOOD ONE. [ Sandy ] LADIES. [ Michele Gasps ] [ Michele ] GOD, CAN YOU BELIEVE WE'RE GOING HOME IN A HELICOPTER ? [ Romy ] I KNOW. IT'S SO COOL. I JUST WISH EVERYBODY INSIDE THE REUNION WOULD COME OUT AND SEE US LIFT OFF. [ Michele ] OHH ! [ Romy ] THANK YOU. [ Michele ] OH. [ Chuckles ] OH, MY GOD ! I'M SO GLAD YOU DIDN'T BRING YOUR BIG NOTEBOOK WITH YOU. [ Sandy ] MICHELE. [ Chuckles; music ] [ Christie ] BILLY. BILLY ! BILLY, WHERE ARE YOU ? BILLY. DAMN IT. DAMN IT ! [ Romy ] [ Laughing ] OH, MY GOD. IS THAT HEATHER ? [ Michele ] GO FOR IT, HEATHER ! [ Whooping ] [ Romy ] [6 Months Later] THANKS FOR STOPPING BY. [ Michele ] YEAH, ENJOY YOUR FASHIONS. [ Romy ] HAVE A ROMY AND MICHELE DAY. [ Michele ] THAT WAS A GOOD ONE. [ Romy ] THANKS. I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW BUSY WE'VE BEEN. [ Michele ] I KNOW. HEY, MAYBE WE CAN PAY BACK SANDY THIS WEEK. [ Romy ] UM, I THINK WE'RE ABOUT, LIKE, TWO YEARS AWAY FROM THAT. [ Michele ] OH. OKAY. [ Romy ] HEATHER, HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT SMOKING CAN KILL YOU ? [ Heather ] NO. NO ONE. THANK YOU. [ Romy ] OKAY, BUT IF YOU BURN IT, YOU BOUGHT IT. [ Heather ] LIKE I GIVE A SHIT. I LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE. [ Michele ] WHAT ? NUH-UH. YOU LOOK TOTALLY CUTE. [ Heather ] THIS DRESS EXACERBATES THE GENETIC BETRAYAL THAT IS MY LEGACY. [ Michele ] OKAY, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE OF THOSE WORDS, BUT COME HERE. [ Heather ] OW ! [ Michele ] GOD, THAT HAS BEEN BUGGING ME. [ Heather ] STAY AWAY FROM MY BIKINI AREA. [ Michele ] UM, OKAY. [ Heather ] I'M IN A RUSH... RING IT UP IF YOU MUST. [ Michele ] OKAY. LET ME HAVE THE TAG, PLEASE. THANK YOU. YOU REALLY DO LOOK CUTE. [ Romy ] YOU KNOW WHAT ? [ Michele ] HUH ? [ Romy ] DESPITE THAT SURLY DEMEANOR, I THINK WE'VE JUST GIVEN HER A BIG GIFT. OKAY, I MEAN, TO GIVE SOMEONE... LIKE HEATHER MOONEY THE CHANCE TO EXPRESS HERSELF THROUGH FASHION-- WE COULD'VE REALLY CHANGED HER LIFE. [ Michele ] YEAH. FOR ME THOUGH, IT'S LIKE... I'VE GIVEN BIRTH TO MY OWN BABY GIRL, YOU KNOW ? ONLY SHE'S, LIKE, A BIG GIANT GIRL... WHO SMOKES AND SAYS "SHIT" A LOT. YOU KNOW? [ Romy ] YEAH. [ Michele ] YEAH. LET'S FOLD SCARVES ! [ Romy ] OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT, MICHELE ? [ Michele ] HUH ? [ Romy ] I THINK YOU ARE, LIKE, THE FUNNEST PERSON I KNOW. [ Michele ] ME TOO. WITH YOU. [ Gasps, Chuckles ] [Fade out. "We Got the Beat" plays]